Party of Three, At Last!

My little oasis

2010-08-11T23:58:00.000-07:00

I love love love having the sailboat in the Bay. It's really become my home away from home AND my little working mom's oasis. It's the one night a week when I am truly alone in a quiet place with no TV, lots of reading material and time to just... whatever. I've actually had some moments to think about future travel plans, catch up on the myriad of magazines and catalogs I never get to glance at when I'm at home and listen to water lapping on the sides of the boats while planes come in overhead. For the first time in awhile I have time to reflect, *post* and think. What an amazing concept.

The only small problem I've encountered is that since I never have time to just hang with my thoughts, I've got so many jumbled up, they seem to be fighting for my attention. One minute I'm thinking about being a better mom (while reading Parents mag usually) the next I'm thinking about making plans for the Fall and after that I'm thinking about where we should plan our travel in 2011 and beyond. I almost need a priority list of what I can think about before I think. Extreme? Maybe.

I've been thinking about how drastically things have changed for me since becoming a mom. The things, places and people I care about are definitely altered from times past. The things I'm willing to tolerate (or not) are certainly different. But the thing that strikes me the most at this moment is my awe at how other people spend their time. Now, when I read about someone doing something I'd never even consider spending time doing, I'm in awe that they have time for that. When I see someone engaging in activities I couldn't (or wouldn't) dream of doing these days, I wonder "how do they have time for that?"

Not in a judgmental way (well . . ok, sometimes) and not completely without envy (I haven't read the Sunday Times in forever!) but certainly not in a forlorn, longing way. I would never give up the time I have with E and M for any of the things I've previously spent time on or people I've spent time with. And only sometimes do I wish there were more hours in the day so I could do some of those things.

But now, I just find ways to do the things I truly care about and see the people I love most dearly in more creative ways. And I think that's the balance we have to aim for as working moms. At least this working mom.

hmm . . . I'm in awe that I even had the time and ability to follow one thought through to completion. :-)

Nothing to report, wee!

2010-08-03T13:59:00.000-07:00

August has become one of my favorite times at work. The summer associates are recently departed, the partners are on vacation with their kids before school starts up again and the associates are out playing (or hiding) if they can. Which means things *seriously* slow down for me. And after the madness this summer both at work and home, it's quite a welcome change. And bonus, my boss is on vacation as well! So no 1:1 calls, no team calls, etc. Even though I know it won't last, I am savoring this temporary quietness in the office.

I've actually been tempted to take my laptop up to the clubhouse/pool and "work" from there :-) Haven't gotten that far yet though.

Other than that, not too much to report. We enjoyed a fabulously busy (but good) weekend celebrating E's 2nd birthday with friends and family, hosted our first overnight guests from the Bay with their new little one, N, and then enjoyed a quiet Monday at home with just a few emails in/out. Since Monday felt like Sunday, I'm hoping it will feel like a shorter work week, which is always a good thing. And with M's improved schedule, we'll be able to enjoy the weekend both at home and on the boat in the Bay.

So, here's to a good week to all and an even better weekend coming up!

ps--Almost done with Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest--the final book in Stieg Larsson's trilogy... woot!

Balance is returning, slowly

2010-07-27T14:06:00.001-07:00

Obviously I've broken my 'once a month' rule in posting. Haven't posted since we moved in! But it has been an INSANE few months. Since the end of March we have: bought a house, moved, bought a new car, bought a sailboat (our home in the Bay), transitioned to life in Rocklin, celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and are about to celebrate E's second birthday (gulp!). The move, the commuting, the couch-surfing in the Bay while we looked for a permanent/short-stay option in the Bay, the kid, the craziness, working and life in general has taken every ounce of my energy, sanity and time since the end of March. BUT, and that's a big BUT, the tide is finally turning!

It certainly has not been all bad--not in the least. We've had the best summer--the one I always wanted for E: watermelon and cherries on a hot summer day, corn and BBQ dinners, weekends at the pool, hangin' with our neighbors on the court, the ice cream man driving onto our court at the end of a 100+ degree day, the BEST 4th of July party and lots of pinching ourselves to believe it's all come true.

After we bought the boat, I really felt like 'this is it!' We truly are living our dreams (as corny as that sounds). M and I are still going strong, we have a beautiful son who amazes us every single day, awesome grandparents, wonderful friends, the home we always wanted and now the sailboat that Ryan never dreamed we'd get before he turned 40. We get to enjoy our life in the Bay when we want to, but live in a town that allows E to have the childhood we *always* wanted him to have--one like ours. With nature close by, bike rides, parks, pool time, soccer, grandma and grandpa.

In short, we really feel like we can't ask for anything more. I haven't felt this elated or in love with my life since we got married. No more saying "I cant wait 'til _____ (fill in the blank)" And I finally feel like I have more balance in my life. Time for working out regularly is coming back slowly, time to spend with my husband and E is more consistent, time to talk and visit with friends and most importantly time to just BE. I'm actually reading again!

Being a working mom is never easy, it is certainly the most challenging and humbling experience in life (IMHO), but as cliche as it is, it's also hands-down the most rewarding. I can't stop hugging and kissing my kid. He drives me bonkers sometimes (at least 100 times a day) but I have never loved anyone like this. I'm not sure it's possible.

So, cheers to all of that! And here's to hoping balance finds a more permanent place in my life. :-)

Tick tock

2010-03-22T13:27:00.001-07:00

The countdown is really on now. 4 more days until we move into our new house. Really?! O mi god. But thankfully the packing is well under control, utilities and junk are mostly moved/canceled/set up, the emergency Sears run for a fridge and washing machine is taken care of. Come to mama you gorgeous stainless steel, French door, bottom freezer lovely! (How could I not have noticed in all the docs and walk-throughs that a fridge is not included?! Hello!)

In 5 more days, I'll never have to spend another night in this god forsaken house. I'll never have to hear the "clink" from weirdo-behind-our-house's chain link fence and dread that he'll be walking by my kitchen window and peering in to see if we're in here. M will never have to drag his (as well as our) trash cans out to the curb. In 5 days I'll never have to look at my dumb landlord ever again, worry that he'll drive up and want to wash his Porsche in my driveway, or worry that psycho-behind-us will come out of his rat hole while E and I are playing in the yard. All of that will be OVER! FOREVER!!!

And yes, while the commute down to the Bay for 2 days per week will royally suck, it will pass. I will get a new job and/or make it work in another way.

This past weekend we enjoyed the lovely Saturday with our closest mom/dad/kid friends at a BBQ in our honor. The host presented us with a handmade scrapbook she made of all of the memories with us and the kids and each mom wrote a personal message within. I cried when I read it. It does make me sad that we won't be here daily with the special people in our lives here. But my excitement at having a place to call home, really home, is overwhelming. E will now have a place he *belongs* and will remember all throughout his childhood. We are now able to give him everything we wanted--a safe home, good schools, a great neighborhood filled with families like ours, and hopefully, LOADS of memories.

So, while the *extreme* stress of closing on the house, inspections, escrow, blah blah blah and packing everything up, while at the same time trying to do our full time jobs as well as we can AND take care of our favorite toddler, has been . . . taxing, to say the least, it will all most definitely be WORTH it when we get into our new home THIS SATURDAY!

YAY!!

Icing on the cake

2010-03-12T12:25:00.000-08:00

The universe has decided to pile it on... so I find myself trying to dig out of the rubble with just a "reasonable" amount of stress-related issues.

Last night E came down with a case of pink eye. POOR BABY BOY! So, in addition to being out of daycare for a regular cold Wed/Thurs (grandma did Wed, M called in sick Thurs to take care of E), he now also has pink eye. RAD. He officially can't go to any daycare (gym or regular) for 3 days after he starts the eye drops. He's miserable, tired, cranky and I feel awful whenever I look at his little red eyes (tearing all the time) and little fists rubbing those itchy eyes and hear him screaming while I try to work downstairs. :-( aww, my poor baby. :-(

Then . . .

Upper management decided to crank up the pressure in a BIG way at the end of Q1 and now Q2 looks like it'll be equally stressful for several reasons [1] the uppity ups are "eyes on" and watching everything we do to make sure we are performing and [2] my bay area team is literally crumbling, so I and 1 other colleague will be left holding the bag for all of our 4 combined territories until at least August/September the way things are going. RAD. The thing that blows the most is that I'm literally the only one meeting (and exceeding) quota for 2010 so far and even though I realize equity dictates that everyone must receive the same message, I really don't appreciate (or feel appreciated) that my manager and her managers are treating me (and everyone else) like we're a bunch of slackers. Makes me really question whether keeping this position after we move is a good decision or not. Especially after I got my teeny tiny raise (no raise last year, keep in mind) which equals roughly $50 per paycheck before taxes. Um, YEA. RAD.

Unfortunately there's nothing I can do about the latter except what is asked of me (I gotta pay my new mortgage) and the former will resolve over the next few days. But I sure do hope I get good news on the position I've been vying for over a month now. (fingers crossed!!)

Last night when I went to pick up E's eye drops I also grabbed a new bottle of antacids (for me) and a new bottle of pepto (for M) and when I reviewed the contents of my bag on the way out, I thought, "hm... clearly we are a little stressed right now."

I must say this--thank GAWD for awesome grandparents who answered the cry for help and drove down today to help. Between reports, con-calls, manager calls/fire-drill emails, the movers' in-home estimate, E's pink eye & cold, crankiness and general unhappiness, and the massive pressure I've got at work, I really don't know what we'd do without them today. I literally called last night and said "mom, we need you guys!" and just like Roto-Rooter, they came on down.

Thanks universe. While you're royally screwing me at the moment, at least I'm able to fight back with a posse of support!

99 bottles of beer on the wall....

2010-03-09T10:44:00.000-08:00

That's what I feel like these days. Each beer represents the number, and perhaps its exponent, of things left to do in the 18 days (thanks for the reminder BT's lil sis!) left before we move in. Actually 17 since we're moving in the day before C's wedding. Yesterday I felt pretty good with the progress we've made--I packed all the non-essentials in the kitchen, family room and dining room. M has agreed to take on E's closet (which he shares). I'll tackle the hall closets, bathroom and my office this week before we head back up to Rocklin for yet another meeting. (fingers crossed). And thanks to his tenacious efforts, M has secured our new homeowners insurance provider and taken care of many of the new utility set ups and we have an appointment to tour a new daycare next Monday. But still, lots of to-do's remain and I often wonder how we'll get it all done in 17 days. REALLY.

We were so worried about it last weekend that we decided to hit up our local winery one last time before the move--Picchetti. Picked up 2 overdue shipments, drank one bottle and met 2 other amazing couples (with kids E's age) in the process. Overall a great Saturday afternoon.

We were so stressed again that we took Sunday off to attend a baby shower (me) while M and E hit the kids' Science Museum in San-Jo.... then hit an Oscar party in the City that night. (it doesn't matter than we haven't seen a single film that was nominated).

Then, we decided 'screw it! We're going ahead with our planned date night!' last night. And I don't regret a single moment (except perhaps overindulging in the food and wine). We enjoyed each other's company as partners in life, love and marriage, and not just as co-parents, at the lovely and amazing Evvia. Probably our last dinner there for awhile too.

Ultimately it'll all get done. In the meantime, we want to savor our last few weeks in the Bay Area. There will be much to miss. But I'm so effin' excited about our new life in Rocklin I'm having a hard time being sad. I can't tell you how excited I am to have my own bathroom sink. And a dishwasher. And a backyard ALL to ourselves. And a GARAGE! (3-car garage at that!). And free babysitting for those much-needed date nights.

Now, back to those bottles of beer on the wall . . .

Scatter brained

2010-02-23T10:06:00.000-08:00

I have way too many things going on upstairs and I've been finding myself awake at 3am because of them....things I'd like to accomplish, things that *must* get done and things I'm hoping happen (at my excited urging of course). The problem is pushing the "wants" off to the side so the "musts" can be executed successfully and leaving the "hopes" to themselves now that they are in the hands of others. Of course saying as much is much easier than doing so. But the key priorities now are getting the move organized, do my paying job to the best of my ability, do my best in my mothering job and put at least some meaningful effort towards my wife job. Needless to say, I'm feeling stretched on all fronts. And it's more fun to plan some of the wants (10 year wedding anniversary fun!) than the needs (finding a new daycare in Rocklin).

Not much else exciting to report... except that we are hugely excited to move into our new home!! Seeing the progress has been really fun and going to see the house in person this weekend is going to be awesome.

Back to my paying job . . .

Writing again

2010-01-22T12:20:00.000-08:00

I always forget how therapeutic writing is for me until I start doing it again. It all started on the plane rides back and forth to Oklahoma--thinking about my grandma before she died and what I'd like to say at her funeral afterwards. But then I filled up my old journal (it was almost done anyways), so I bought a beautiful new journal. Nothin' like a new journal to motivate me to write!

And see, now that I'm writing there again, I'm writing here more too.

Not that I have much interesting to share--E has his first ear infection--poor little guy. I took 2 days off work to stay home with him. Which, coincidentally, worked out because I've been sick all week and the weather has sucked like no other. So, walking around from firm to firm sounded awful. Staying home with my sick almost 1 1/2 year old actually sounded better. And it was in more ways than one. First, I knew he was getting the best care possible with his parent(s). And two, I learned that maybe I could do the stay-at-home job. I've always doubted my ability to be a stay-at-home mom because every time I've tried to stay home with him, it's so damn hard. He wants constant attention, to play non-stop (except when he's sleeping) and gets pissed pretty easily when he's not being paid any attention. (like most toddlers) But what I've discovered is that when I'm not trying to do my paid job at the same time, it's *so* much better. Huh. So maybe I could do it.

Except for the fact that I actually like working. And I'm really excited about the new job that I just interviewed for. But at least I know that if I had to, I could stay home with him for awhile. Although I'm not entirely sure how long for. The difference this week was that I did have my paid job to go back to. Hm.

Anyways, making time for writing necessarily means that other past times get less time. And that's ok too. It's a good adjustment to make and for the betterment of all involved.

Happy Friday! Here's to hoping this nasty cough goes away so I enjoy Frivolo this weekend!

I'm ready for a staycation

2010-01-19T13:18:00.000-08:00

It's been an absolutely exhausting 10 days. Of the last 10 days, I've spent 7 in Oklahoma and/or on planes between California and Oklahoma. My first visit was to see my grandmother before she passed. Not more than 20 hours after I left her bedside, she died, on Monday, January 11th. Just 6 weeks shy of her 98th birthday. So, I packed up, organized travel and bundled up my boys and headed back to Oklahoma on Thursday for the funeral services over the weekend.

The day of the funeral was the most sad, emotionally exhausting, yet celebratory and fun day that weekend. My cousin had the entire family over after the post-cemetery dinner and after many hugs and tears, the alcohol flowed. Let's just say we all like our drinks.

Despite the gloomy feeling of the weekend, the one bright spot was seeing my son enjoy all of his cousins and second cousins. We don't have any young kids in our family in California and now with a little one, I desperately wish we did. It's so fun! and easy! You just dump the kids in the family room or outside with each other and fun ensues. They come in when they're dirty, hungry or tired and we feed them, bath them and get them ready for bed. And bam, you're done for the night. Easiest parenting experience ever!

And even though the kids outnumbered us, it seemed like we never had to worry about them. The older ones took care of the younger ones, the younger ones screamed when something was really wrong and at least one responsible adult was always available to pick up the pieces.

I'm entertaining the thought of buying a little abode out there so we can spend more time with the family as E gets older. We both really want him to experience the closeness of family and know who these people are. It saddens me enough that he wont know my grandmother--a woman who influenced everyone in our family--and I don't want him to be the lost cousin way out in California.

Anyways--after 6,000 miles back and forth, 4 layovers in Denver, 1 lost (and recovered) bag, hours in the car driving between family homes and now one minor cold (for me and E)---we are HOME. FOR GOOD. As much as I'd like a vacation, I cant fathom getting on another airplane for a long time (except for work in a couple weeks). Not because of E--he did fabulous this time! We bought him his own seat and plunked him down in the car seat--which made him comfortable and happy. And bonus--due to all the travel we endured in 2009, I got a fabulous bump up to Premier status, which made the travel experience so much better (premier security line, earlier online check in, automatic economy plus, free bag checks, etc). But it's more the upheaval of life and the chaos when we return home that I'm done with. So, yeah, I'm ready for a staycation.

Time, I've finally found you!

2010-01-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

I am more than pathetic in posting. Wow. Well, maybe not entirely. I do subscribe to a once a month rule and it's coming up on just a month... Anyways.

Things are . . . meh plus. What do I mean? Well, my oldest grandmother is dying. I mean, like in a matter of days or maybe hours. I am currently in transit back from Oklahoma, a state I was in for a less than 30 hours, and already know that I will be back on a plane no later than the end of the week for her funeral. So . . that stinks but at the same time is the best possible thing for my Grandma. And I've had lots of time on planes to prepare myself, gather my thoughts and while I was there, spend quality time with her and say goodbye. That's the meh.

Flash back 2 weeks ago and 2010 was looking like it was getting off to a fabulous start. We had 2 houses we were about to make an offer on. Then house #1's agent told us they were firm on the price (even though all comps indicated he was asking $25K too much), plus the loan we have doesn't allow us to put any offers on houses that are flips (the 90-day rule). So we can't put an offer on that baby till February. We're adopting a "if you love it set it free" mentality and hope that in February it's still available and the seller comes to his senses about the price. Not looking good on either front. Then house #2 accepted an offer it had pending (but for some ridiculous reason allowed us to see the house, claiming they were taking "backup" offers--no such thing exists, but whatever). So we're back to square one, but at least we know there are houses out there that we love and are looking forward to making our own in 2010. The other plus: M's Captain upgrade should now be on the fast track--his company just got word that the final legal hurdle has been cleared. Finally, my search for a new job is also going very well.

Then Grandma had a massive stroke.

So, here I sit, waiting for my flight in Denver, pretty well caught up on work, and finally with time to post. Hello time! I actually scored a bit more since I volunteered to give up my seat for a free flight (since I'm going back to Oklahoma in the very near future). So, back to uploading pics from the holidays... another item off my to-do list.

I hope your 2010 brings lots of joy and less sadness . . .

True to form

2009-12-15T12:57:00.000-08:00

I must have some wierd timer that tells me it's been a month since my last post because here it is, 29 days since my last post and I was compelled to sign on again.

Anyways, Japan is under our belt now and MAN was that a trip. On so many levels. Flight transportation there and back was the roughest 24 hours of my life. Then throw in a 2 hour bus ride to meet my parents & brother at the Ikebukuro train station, then another 30 minutes on the train (and one missed stop and backtrack later), then a 10 minute cab ride to my Grandma's house. Needless to say, E was D-O-N-E as were M and I. It's not entirely surprising how difficult air travel was with him. What can one expect? He's a complete energy ball being forced to confinement for close to 15 hours. It SUCKED like no other. And it's not an experience I am ready to try again for at least 6-9 months. Let it be known that M and I will *not* be taking E on another flight of any kind for at least . . . ok. . . 3 months. But we are definitely not taking him on a long flight until he's . . . 2. Maybe.

The hardest part about travelling is coming home because we royally screwed up E's sleep schedule which means we are going to pay in equal parts. E doesnt sleep, we dont sleep. It's not that we don't want to or are soft and go to him every time he whimpers. He screams in the middle of the night so that one *cannot* possibly sleep. So that took about 1 week to recover from and now, 13 days after returning, he is completely back on his little schedule. And we are all better humans for that.

In other news, today is a good day because I have been reminded of all the people in my life that really care about me. Who hates that?! And I'm also super lucky to have an amazing husband who, despite his innate abilities, tries hard to give me a good birthday. This year, unfortunately, he has to work and since I had to fly home from work at midnight, we didn't see each other and won't until tomorrow. Then M has knee surgery on Thursday. So, my birthday this year won't really be a big celebration (not like it ever is, given it's cursed timing), but it's understandable. At the very least, I'm very grateful to have such a healthy and amazing kid, an awesome husband and friends who take time out of their busy lives to wish me a good one.

So, on that note--till next year! Who knows, I might actually have time over the holidays to reflect a little more (and post).

Merry Christmas, happy holidays and happy new year everyone!

A month (or year?) in review

2009-11-16T15:15:00.001-08:00

I really should own the fact that I do not, and probably will not, devote more than 1 time per month to blog. That said... over the past month much has changed. I don't have time to post it all now, but the short version is:

We've decided to take the plunge and move to a place that is more affordable and just simply an easier place to live. Details when that's closer to finalized, which should be earlier in the new year.

In the spirit of simplifying, I am also in the process of transitioning into a position at my company that will allow me to work 100% from home (unless I'm required to be on site and travel, which will occur far less than now and will be planned at least a couple weeks in advance).

I'm working hard at living in the now, thinking in the now and therefore fulfilling my beliefs by repeatedly thinking and living in the present (and in a positive way). I'm happy about that and think it makes it easier to be a happier person overall.

Travel this fall has made keeping up with life extremely challenging... one more big trip to go. Japan over Thanksgiving to visit many many family members, see my grandfather's grave, visit my grandmother in her care facility, pay homage via a cherished ceremony and dinner with family afterwards. This trip is historical, in our family at least. It's the first time in our entire lives that all 4 of my immediate family members will travel to Japan together. It's M's 2nd trip to Japan and E's first. E is the first and *only* great grandchild in the entire Oshima lineage (and will be until my brother or I have another kid).

So it's a pretty big deal. I'm super excited for this trip (as much as M and I are bearing down for the 11+ hr flight with E) and the good times we'll have.

2009 has been eventful in many ways, but looking back the best times I'll remember are our crazy adventures as a family. Celebrating E's first birthday with our closest friends and family, watching him and his baby friends grow and develop by leaps and bounds, Labour Day in Oklahoma, Nova Scotia to visit family we hadn't seen in a decade (in some cases), Mexico--our first family vacation, and now Japan.

Here's to hoping 2010 is as joyful, full of adventure & travel and fun!

Vacation: A comparison

2009-10-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

It's a totally normal thing to ask--"how was your vacation!?" with excitement in the voice. I hate to let people down when they ask, but to be honest? Our trip to far eastern Canada was... Hard. Challenging. Exhausting. Mixed in with a bit of family fun.

The truth of the matter is, travelling with a toddler is DAMN hard work. It's supposed to be fun and there are definitely moments when it is. But for the parents, taking the toddler out of the home, the routine, the child-proofed house and flying him 9 hours to the WAY eastern shores of Canada is... well, tough. For everyone involved (including cabin crew, fellow passengers, parents).

Were it not for the beautiful kindness of strangers, I would not have survived the return trip alone. That's right, ALONE. For various annoying reasons, M was not able to get on my flight back from Halifax, so I flew 9 hours (plus transfers) with E alone. M's been telling me his buddies at work told him I should "buck up." Um, F-you. You do not know my kid. He's the kid no one wants to travel with (serves me right for hating travelling with other people's kids all those years). He's loud, he kicks your chair, he wants to touch everything and he doesn't give a fig about TV or other forms of entertainment (except maybe in short 2 minute intervals). So 9 hours alone in a tight, confined, shared space with 150 individuals was TOUGH. We're talking constantly walking the cabin, vertical diaper changes in that tiny-ass lav and LOTS of carrying. (My back still hasn't fully recovered and occasionally spasms)

Then, landing at SFO and having to load up the Bob (stroller), carseat, my GIANT 60 lbs bag, my carry on and another unwieldy bag and drag it on AirBart and to my car and then INSTALL the damn car seat (first time) was the final straw. It nearly brought me to tears. I *almost* called our good friends to have her husband come help me install the seat.

Anyways, our vacation to Canada isnt the sort of trip I'd classify as a vacation. There were no lingering dinners over lovely and amazing food. There were no unplanned stops at wineries. There were no spa appointments or leisurely enjoying a book on the beach. I've come to realize those vacations no longer exist for me (so long as we take E with us).

We take different vacations now. The kind where I walk into our beach cottage and evaluate the risks of each sharp corner, table, brick and glass and try to mitigate potential damages by child-proofing. Barricading doors, fireplaces and dangly glass objects from the curious reach of E. Our daily activities revolve around whether E could tolerate the planned activity for any length of time. (will he jump out of the paddleboat? Would he sit in the stroller long enough to enjoy a nature walk? will he destroy the restaurant?) And meals are now eaten in shifts with one parent typically enjoying a glass of wine and apps alone while the other walks/entertains E in hopes we can all sit down for 10 minutes to enjoy an entree together.

To be honest, M is not to bothered by this. He's not a sit-around-read-a-book kinda guy. When we'd do our thrice-annual trips to Maui, he'd surf, beach comb, do anything but sit and layout with a book. So he's loving have a new little buddy to take along. And I say, more power to ya!!

Thank god I have an amazing dad for a husband. As much as it wasn't relaxing, it was such a joy to see E experience feeding bunny rabbits for the first time, walk the Nova Scotia beaches with Daddy, pick up rocks and point gleefully at the birds, go paddleboating and visit all his family in Timberlea.

As much as I miss the vacations of yesteryear, I am thrilled to experience a new kind of vacation.

Now I just need another one.

Vamos a Mexico! See ya next week!

Wow, talk about timing

2009-09-17T21:54:00.001-07:00

A good friend just posted this quote on her blog and it could not be more timely for me...

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

Thanks litlflogr!

I want . . .

2009-09-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with the mom-work-life balance as of late. I'm not sure if the catalyst is the insane travel we have planned this Fall (partly planned in advance, partly as a result of involuntary circumstance--but for good reasons). But the long and short of it is, I want to be more balanced and am at a bit of a loss on how to achieve. The list of wants vs needs is dynamic, as one would expect, but recently I've been feeling stretched to the limits like a pizza dough that's been made too thin. Mostly, I want....

to be the kind of mom who remembers/considers getting a Halloween costume for my child before being reminded that Halloween is approaching. I mean, last year the only reason E had any Halloween-esque attire is because Grandma kindly thought of the outfit months in advance.
to have more time to reflect on the kind of mom I am, want to be and practice in real life
to spend *at least* the same amount of time I do thinking about how to be better in my job and progress in my career as I do thinking about how to be a better mom and how to encourage E's development.
to really live in the present and not think so much about how the kitchen floor is icky, the cats haven't been fed today, the tomato plants and grass haven't been watered in days, how the long work day has just killed my only workout time today and oh, I have no gas in my car. There's 40 UPS/FedEx packages on the front porch, I haven't been able to get to the banking in days and we leave for our next trip and don't have a rental car/hotel, etc. (seriously, I booked our rental car for Labour Day weekend at 11pm the night before we left).
but to also think about the future in a different way. Not in a "what do we have to do, what do we have planned, how can we accomplish those things" way; but in a "how will this affect E, how can that help us grow as a family, how can we spend more quality time together" way.

I'm definitely seeing a need evolve here and it certainly involves less outside pressure internalized, fewer outside obligations, blocking out external needs and focusing more on the needs of our family, myself and our marriage (not that anything is wrong, but to be wholly inclusive). I need to say "no" more often and not feel bad about it. I must be better about multi-tasking less (I mean seriously, am I really doing anything better?).

In short, I need to implement simplicity in a way I've never conceived of before. It can no longer be rhetoric. It must be practiced.

Any super-full-time-working-moms out there with some solid advice on how to achieve? Please don't tell me "not to sweat the small stuff." Good message, but some real-life examples of how you did it all would be more helpful. I can't afford a personal assistant, housecleaner or nanny... so if you have some great ideas on how you did it all on your own and worked full-time, I'd be ever-so grateful.

Fall racing season: Is it really for charity?

2009-08-12T21:25:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine from law school recently asked me to join her team for the ego-boosting Half Marathon coming up this fall in prime racing season. I've always wanted to do this race for the ridiculous reason of wanting to finally set a PB below 2:30 for a half (I didnt get very far with that goal four years ago when I first started running half marathons). This race is, as many of you know, known for allowing the recreational runner to set PBs because it's so flat and fast.

So, I diligently logged onto the race website with the intention of registering. I was also planning to register for another race I have been thinking of doing for quite some time, the Big Sur Half. Holy expensiveness Batman!! When did the prices to register skyrocket? Is there some special new thing they are doing at these highly commercial events to make it uber attractive for the recreational runner? Or are they succumbing to the take over like the Nike race in San Francisco?

I mean, $95 bucks for the Rock and Roll Half, $85 for the Big Sur and the Nike race isn't even an option unless you're willing to raise approximately $4k for Team in Training (as they've effectively taken hostage of this event unless you win the lottery to get a spot). Geez! I don't think I can afford to run races this fall season, in more ways than one.

First, the buckage (i made that up, pretty sure it's not a word) required to run most of my favorite races and my goal races (ones I haven't done but always planned to) is ridonkulous. Not to mention that I've have to seriously dedicate lots of time and energy to training for these races because I'd feel like I have to justify the cost of the registration fee.

Am I the only one who's noticed this extreme upward trend?

Tell me, have the race organizers done some amazing shiznit in the last two years that I'm not aware of? Have they stopped providing hose water mixed with powder Gatorade at the rest points (like they did at my most unfavorite race) and instead switched to holy water trekked in on donkey backs from the trickling streams of the Sierras? I mean, what is the deal?!

Needless to say, I'm not registering for anything this season that requires a down payment of $80 bucks. I just can't do it. I mean, last time I ran Nike it was $80 for the Half but we got a Tiffany's necklace handed to us by cute men wielding little blue boxes at the finish line. I'm scared to even see what the cost for the Half would be now. Christ Almighty.

Dear Race Organizers--wake up to the fact that not everyone is loaded and able to pay these ridiculous fees. We are in an economic downturn right now and if you truly care about raising money for the charities who are supposed to be the beneficiaries of these races, you might want to re-evaluate the actual cost of putting on these events from a .org perspective. Not a .com one.
Just a thought. . .

The big 1

2009-08-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that my little E turned 1 on Saturday. Even though many of our closest friends and family arrived at our house for a big Mexican-styled fiesta for the entire afternoon complete with taco man, pinata and kids running amuck. Despite the *extreme* stress pre-party (due largely in part to the vast amount of work that had to be done plus M's mother staying with us the night before--oh what a JOY that was), it was such a wonderful celebration.

And yet I still have to process the fact that my little guy is a one year old. All the signs are there. At his 1-yr doctor appointment, he showed perfect progression, all in good health, just growing beautifully. The doc even made my feelings official by stating that he is a "high energy" child. Um yea.

I have a year's worth of pictures showing him getting bigger and blowing by milestone after milestone. Sitting up, holding his bottle, eating solids, crawling, walking around holding furniture and most recently walking with us holding just one hand. It's amazing.

And then when I put him to bed, asleep so peacefully in my arms and looking every bit the angel he's not during the day, I see the quilt my mom made him with his full birth name and date, I see the plaque another family member gave us with his birthdate and full name... and it's just so wierd.

Several good friends are having or just had their first babies within the past 2 months and baby #2 is on the way for a friend whose son is just 7 weeks older than E (yikes, huh!)... so I know time is marching on. But I almost don't feel ready for it. I want my little baby to be my baby.

But he's not. It's official, he's a toddler. Apparently after they surpass the 12-month mark babies enter toddlerdom. And that is just wierd.

I don't know when it will finally sink in....

Luxury is in the eye of the beholder

2009-07-30T13:28:00.000-07:00

I forgot what it felt like to sleep in. And be alone with my husband. And read uninterrupted *not* at night time. And linger over a ridiculous dinner for close to 3 hours. And take a bath at 10am, after sleeping in.

That, my friends, is the new definition of "luxury" for a new momma. And it was friggin' awesome. Thanks to the employment of R's brother at a lovely resort in Sonoma, we were treated to a lovely and amazing 2 days at the Fairmont. Holy mother of all things that are good and pure! And R2 generously requested an upgrade to a huge suite complete with an iced bucket of champage, chocolate-covered strawberries and a handwritten note of congrats for our anniversary. Sweet!

The hotel room was gorgeous and perfectly appointed. The complimentary champage (my fav--Gloria Ferrer Blanc de Noir) and strawberries were so yummy. Then R's brother went ape shit on our dinner. We only ordered the lobster mac & cheese to start and 2 entrees. But R2 decided that a proper dinner starts with an amuse buche (yum), a caviar & cauliflower custard and foie gras before our mac & cheese (I forgot, there were black truffles shavings on top too). Then he sent over the wild, local halibut (out of this WORLD!) with the biggest and sweetest peas known to man, a tender piece of Sonoma pork tenderloin (mmmm) and came out after to see how it was going. All the while, Renee, the sommelier, kept bringing amazing wines she paired with each course... filling us up even more. So when R2 came out to see how we were, I almost waived a white flag. But we decided to soldier on to our entrees with a small request that he scale them back a bit. Thank god he did. But the Maine lobster M ordered was amazing and my red snapper was simply divine.

Then R2 sent over the most amazing sorbet and fresh berries followed by the pastry chef's pot de creme (holy goodness) and three other chocolate desserts that were beyond amazing... and we were D-O-N-E.

I didnt think it was possible for 2 people to eat that much and survive. And then get up and eat again the next day. But we did.

After sleeping in till 9am, the huge tub called to us and since I brought my L'Occitane lavendar bubble bath, we felt like we had spent an hour at the spa. We meandered to breakfast at Big 3 on the property and had a simple and lovely meal there too. And on the recommendation of Renee, we checked out and headed up to Pride Mountain Vineyards. YUM. The only bad part was that we can't afford to roll out with an entire case like we usually do.

In short, we spent 2 luxurious and extremely gluttenous days in Sonoma and came back totally refreshed. That's the best part of a vacation. It gives you the will to push through the rest of the work week (since I came back to work today), albeit a little slower on the uptake. And the memory of the luxury is still fresh enough to make me smile.

So, the biggest shout out to R and R2. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for showing us an amazing time, stretching the outer limits of my stomach and giving us back a piece of something we hadnt seen or experienced in a long time.

Cheers!!

Week 51: A moment of reflection (just a moment)

2009-07-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since I posted Elliott's progress by the WEEK. Geez. I can barely calculate the tip on a dinner out. But my weekly tip from parents.com tells me that Elliott turns 51 weeks today. Holy mother of pearl. What happened to the last 50 weeks? Has it really been almost a year??

As EM's baby boy is welcomed to the world, having arrived barely 36 hours ago, it reminds me of all they will be going through in the next three months. As much joy as a new parent experiences then, it's also the hardest three months of the first year in many ways. Totally been said and done, I get that. But one thing they never tell you is that the parents, as a couple, will have another hurdle to overcome at about 9-10 months when all you've been are teammates on this crazy journey (and less romantic partners). How anyone can think of concieving again in that timeframe is beyond me. After the initial relief of surviving those first 9 mos and having a baby who can sit up, hold his bottle, grab snacks, eat finger food and understand "no," one must turn to the issue of the state of the marriage.

Not that it's all bad, but you do have to try and remember what you were like before your lives, as individuals and as a couple, were forced to take second fiddle to that of your new baby. It's a necessary sacrifice ripe with rewards. But taking that time to come back to where you were is something not often talked about.

Anyways.... Week 51 is here (which reminds me that E's birthday party is just one week away, ahh!!). E makes me laugh, reminisce, get frustrated and then feel guilty about getting frustrated all on a daily basis. But you know what? I would not change a thing. I remember being one of those people who couldn't imagine my life with a kid--no more spontaneous travel all over the globe, lingering dinners with M, staying up late with no consequence, etc. But now, as every parent says, I cannot imagine my life without him. The sacrifices are not even sacrifices when I see his little face looking at me with such joy. It's a feeling I've never been able to replicate or explain other that showing you this:

How could anyone say no to that face??

Then parents.com reminded me of what I have to look forward to now that E is entering his 2nd year of life...

Up until now, chances are you were able to distract your baby from things that were off-limits--the VCR, for instance, or his older brother's Lego set--by offering alternatives. But one day soon, he may respond to an attempt to redirect him by turning bright red, falling to the floor, pounding his fists and feet as hard as he can, and screaming loud enough to rattle the windows.
Welcome to the world of the toddler tantrum. Although tantrums are disturbing, try to distance yourself by viewing them as a dramatic performance--your child is using every tool at his disposal to make his displeasure known. Unless you want the performance to repeat itself several times a day, however, don't give in to his demands. Don't spank him or yell at him--just stand there and let him scream himself out without responding. (If you're in a public place, this may be embarrassing, but it really is essential.) After a few minutes, he will calm down. Most important, he will get the message that this particular tool does not do the job, and he'll eventually drop it from his repertoire.

Oh the joy of the tantrum in public.

Moment is over.. E seriously needs his nap now. Practicing for his public tantrum

Reading again: Bel Canto book review

2009-07-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person on the planet (over 18 included) who is not reading the Twilight series? I don't get it. It's like my aversion to cartoons (and that includes The Family Guy, The Simpson and any other adult-oriented cartoon) and all things sci-fi. I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, that the Twilight series (as did the Harry Potter series) qualifies as sci-fi. As I understand it, it's about teenaged vampires.

I feel bad being so judgmental, it's obviously very popular. But I just can't get on board with teenage vampire love. Just like I couldn't get into pre-teen sorcery.

So, instead, I finally finished one of my many Girls' Book Exchange acquisitions--Bel Canto. And I must say, I was less than impressed. It came highly recommended, as did Ann Patchett's other books, and I was ... quite honestly... bored. It drug on and on and on. Yes, they were held hostage. But for 4 freakin' months? Don't buy it. And then BAM it was over. (Spoiler Alert) All of a sudden, in the last 10 pages, the government busts up the joint, kills all the terrorists and breaks up the love fest. Then 2 of the main characters, who were in love with 2 of the terrorists, end up marrying each other. WTF?!?!

L-A-M-E. In my humble opinion, this is a DUD. Skip it.

The roundup: The quick version

2009-07-21T21:01:00.001-07:00

It's obviously been quite awhile since I last posted. No great reason other than general life chaos. Baby sick, husband sick, now I'm sick. Round 1. Now we are in phase 3 of round 2. Good times.

In other, more exciting news, E turns 1 in less than 2 weeks (!) and we're planning a big birthday bash (yay!). Although planning-wise (other than in my head) I have yet to execute some of the major items (food, booze, pinata, cake). I'm really hoping it all comes together in time. I'm also in charge of next month's (August) mom/baby gathering. But since it's the month when 90% of the kids in our group were born, we're doing a huge birthday bash in Central Park with spouses and the older kids too. I am also seriously lacking in getting in together on that front. (but it's all planned out in my head!)

So, I'm feeling a bit underprepared and annoyed that I'm on the verge of getting sick (sore throat, on the tea and vitamin train, going to bed in a few mins). The thing I hate most about being sick is that it's a colossal waste of time.

The other huge bummer? My good friend and co-worker is having her baby as I write this and I probably won't be able to see him for at least a week because I've got this darned bug. And lord knows I won't go near a newborn with anything but perfect health (do unto others as you'd want them to do unto you).

We are seriously in need of a little vacay. And luckily we have a small, teeny tiny break planned for next week in Sonoma to celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary. For the actual date, we treated ourselves to an *amazing* dinner at Dio Deka in Los Altos. I was so excited to go there as a good Greek friend told me it's her fav "Hellenic" (she said Greek, but they call themselves Hellenic cuisine) place in the Bay Area. That's a lot to live up to. But they did amazing. Every single bite was un-be-lievable. And we topped it off with a lovely bottle of 2005 Justin Isosceles Reserve (from our special shipment ordered in the midst of my pregnancy last year, major wine depravation mode). All in all, awesomeness.

We are looking forward (as long as we're both in good health and E doesn't give us any surprises) to eating equally well at R's brother's restaurant in Sonoma and partaking in some winetasting with a local.

So, here's to hoping that this cold scoots on out pretty quickly here. I mean, come on, I've got Baby Sign class, the D family garage sale this weekend to bust out and my favorite spin class on Sunday to get to!

Cheers to all and have a great week!

A Really Goode Job, please VOTE for me!!

2009-06-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

I hate solicitations, but I actually do need your votes. Can you please take 30 seconds to click on my video and then enter your email to vote for me? You don't even have to watch the 60 second video I posted... just vote!

I applied for a Really Good Job to bethe Wine & Lifestyle Correspondent for Murphy Goode Winery this Fall. The job is amazing--live the life, write the stories, twitter and facebook about it and generally get people to fall in love the Sonoma and MG wines. Easy, right?

Well, not exactly. I need YOU to PLEASE vote for me. I know, my video is a bit cheesy and not nearly as cool as the other kids. But just because you have a cool vid doesnt mean you can do the job. And I know I'll do it justice. How can you really get people to fall in love with a place you've never lived in??

So VOTE LOCAL! Please?

http://www.areallygoodejob.com/video-view.aspx?vid=s6AcQV2P7E4

I, for one, am looking forward to consistency

2009-06-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

in daycare that is. E starts daycare July 1st and unlike other moms and dads, I am looking forward to it. We just averted a child care crisis for tomorrow afternoon because we had nowhere to take E for 3 hours. 3 stinkin' hours. Our babysitter is in Croatia. My go-to stay-at-home mom friend is on vacation, my other SAH mom friend was unreachable. My only other option was to ask my mom to come down a day early... which meant she'd be here Mon-Friday. Need I say more?

Thank god, L's mom saved the day and said she could take him for 3 hours tomorrow. I am eternally grateful and look forward to the day I can be her savior (for day care) as well. Not sure when that'll happen... maybe when she goes back to work?

Nonetheless, I am grateful for good *good* friends who step up when we have no one else and am very excited to see how the consistency of professional daycare will make our lives easier (or at least more manageable).

That is all!

Trimming the fat is actually kinda fun

2009-06-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

With the forthcoming addition of daycare to our list of financial obligations every month, plus our desire to buy a house this year and take care of our yearly tax raping issue, M and I have executed a new family budget and are sticking to it (this time).

This has meant trimming the fat on all unnecessary expenditures and I gotta say, it's having quite the positive effect. I like knowing exactly how much I'm supposed to spend on lunches each week. I kinda like bringing my lunch on Thursdays because I know I'm eating healthier and I'm getting work done during my lunch now (with the small exception of posting right now). I'm budgeting my time better too and carving out much-needed time to hit the gym. That's gotta help trim the fat on my waistline (stay tuned for updates).

And I was just introduced to a cool site that posts fun, cheap stuff to do in the Bay Area. Woot! I'm loving looking at all the fun stuff we can do as a family and not spend a lot of money.

Finally, we've instituted mandatory monthly "family only" weekends during which we have NO plans with other folks and spend the entire weekend doing whatever the hell we want. Hopefully that won't include chores and bill paying (although to a certain extent it's a necessary evil), but we are looking forward to tending to the summer garden, playing with elliott in the backyard, going on family bike rides with our new (to us at least) pimped kid bike trailer, etc.

I'm really looking forward to seeing what benefits we'll reap (financially, emotionally, as a family) in the next few months. Hopefully we will be able to get that house we desperately need by Nov 30th and hopefully I'll lose those last few pounds before Elliott turns 1 (like I desperately need).

Here's to trimming the fat, yippee!

New life, new rules

2009-05-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

I've been made aware, forcefully in some respects, that my new life does (and must) encompass a new set of rules. This wasn't something I was completely prepared for, but over time I've adjusted to it. I thought I was adjusting well. For example, I've become quite the planner now (if it's possible to plan more than I did before)--always having to think 10 steps ahead and anticipate every possible need/roadblock/want for E. I've acquired new skills and even more importantly, new friends. My new friends (who are also moms) have become my lifeline. We support each other, understand what life is like at this stage and hold realistic expectations of each other as we grow into our new roles.

The flip side of that is that I have lost friends too. It's unfortunate, but I understand that that too was a necessary evil. Learning and adapting to my new role in life is tough, but doing so while managing our home & lives, maintaining and thriving in my job and progressing on our goals has proven to be extremely overwhelming. Unfortunately that has meant that I'm more forgetful, I'm constantly moving at the speed of light (my husband calls me "the tornado" now) and unfortunately, I can't be present in quite the same capacity in other areas of my former life. I am constantly struggling with the feeling that my plate is too full, I can't handle it all.

I've posted about this before, but I feel an urgent need to significantly simplify my life in order to manage what I do have going on successfully. And like many other moms, struggle, almost daily, with a proper balance between work, life, love, friends and children.

There's no real point here... I guess the take-home lesson has been, "win some, lose some." Too bad it can't be all winning....

Thinking outside the box

2009-05-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

Lately I've spent time I should be doing something else (like falling asleep, working) daydreaming about the next perfect job. I think I've come up with a few winners... now it's just a matter of researching each option, consulting people in the field and figuring out how to work it into the mix of chaos I currently call my life.

Luckily, with each option I can continue to keep my day job while the "dream job" is still getting its legs. But again, I'm stuck with the problem of how to juggle the dream job, my real job, my family life and managing the home.

For now, it's going to mean hiring babysitters to watch E so we can tend to things 'round the house, sneak a few hours of research in after work and E goes to bed, and take advantage of the times when E is away (which is *rare*... but I do have one weekend coming up) or otherwise being tended to.

Someone once told me I was good at my job (back then I was a lawyer) because I always think outside the box. I'm not sure if it was true back then, but I do feel like that skill/talent/characteristic (?) is surfacing and in a good way.

While I'd like to think I would *love* staying home and being a mom only, I'm fairly certain that in reality I'd want more. Not because I'd be bored (taking care of E is anything but boring!), but because I simply want more for myself. I want an identity outside of being E's mom. I have a friend who decided to quit her job and be a mom. More power to ya. Wish I could afford it, but even if I could. . . Anyways. I called her the other day and got her voicemail. Girlfriend's outgoing message said, (in her husband's voice) "F's mom can't take your call right now. Leave a message." BEEP.

Um.. NO. That is exactly what I do NOT want. I do not want my identity to be "E's mom" only. I do not want to be so lame/lazy/tired/indifferent to the outside world that I allow my husband to leave MY outgoing message and call me E's mom, and not my REAL name.

My visceral reaction to that message, every time I get it, solidifies my belief that I could not (even if we could afford it) be a stay at home mom only. So, I've started thinking outside the box for a "job" I could do that would allow be the greatest flexibility ever, be my own boss, not be stuck adhering to the traditional "business" schedule, have the ability to take time off when/if I want to and incorporate E into my daily routine without it crimping my professional abilities. I'd also like to be paid fairly for my time, but am willing to accept that if I leave Corporate America, there will be a time period for which my earnings will decrease before I realize a gain. And I'd lose my health insurance. Doh.

Sounds like I want it all, and I do. So. . . to find a way, I need to think outside the box.

Damn invisible box.

Language barrier or something else?

2009-05-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

So, I had my second fight with my mom since she started taking care of E last December (however it is the second one since Easter, so a bit close for comfort). For those of you who know my mother and my history with her, you know that's quite a feat. But that's neither here nor there. . .

I'm trying to process what the hell happened. How it got started and why she got so upset. And I'm having a hard time deciding whether the root of the problem is the language barrier, a cultural difference, an interpretation issue or simply the situation at hand. Starting with the latter, M raised a good point--saying that in a situation like ours (my mom is taking care of E without pay--just the cost of her commute/costs incurred), it is inevitable that she would feel she a lack of gratitude. She's working for free, ultimately, to help us. Sure, we do everything we can to make it easier for her--cook for her, clean up after her, buy whatever she needs here, etc. But at the end of the day, she's not collecting a paycheck. So no matter how many times we thank her, express our gratitude, working for free (no matter what one may think their reaction would be) can, and probably will, result in her feeling like we take her for granted. (which we don't!)

At the same time, I have a deeply held belief that when there is a disagreement, each party should have an opportunity to express their thoughts, feelings, etc and be heard. Without interruption and completely. Then the other party should be give the chance to process and respond. Maybe it's the lawyer in me. But more than that, I feel it's only fair for each side to be heard--fully and completely--so both sides can hear (if not listen) and perhaps understand.

The problem tonight (and with my parents in general) is that they *loudly* express their thoughts and problems with the situation--and I listen--but when it's my turn to respond, they interrupt and say "No, that's enough. Just stop. We aren't discussing this anymore."

UM. NO. I am not 16 anymore, you do NOT get to decide when the conversation is over. I heard you, listened to you, asked you clarifying questions regarding your position, and now YOU will hear me.

Sadly, when someone decides they are not going to hear, let alone listen, it's not gonna happen. Especially when they storm out the door.

So, what is one to do?

Luckily, I have one sane parent. In explaining this to him after he cooled down and returned to the house, he said, "yup you're right. I cant just listen when I disagree." And, "no, you're right, it's not entirely fair."

But ultimately, when dealing with my mother--I do wonder what the underlying cause is. I know it's not the gratitude. That's a symptom of the situation that can't totally be fixed. I do think it's a toss up between the language barrier and a cultural difference. While she cannot apologize (never has and never will), cannot admit she is wrong (same) and rarely expresses gratitude herself to others--she fully expects those things from others.

I really struggle with that. I have a hard time reconciling what I know about her with how she acts. Even though I know better.

Damn rock. Damn hard place.

The billable mom

2009-05-12T20:49:00.001-07:00

My short stint as an attorney haunted me last night as I was trying to fall asleep. . . I got to wondering--if I billed my time now (in 6 min increments) what would an average day look like?

~630-800am
.10 slowly wake to the sounds of a delighted 9 mos old chatting with himself in a very wet diaper
.20 change wet diaper, warm bottle, feed bottle
.30 hang with happy baby in bed with happy husband and sleepy kitties

Then the day starts. . .
~8-830
.30 feed E breakfast, make coffee, fix my own breakfast
.10 check blackberry for any emergency emails that need immediate answering. If yes, head down to the office. If no, drink coffee while cleaning up after breakfast

~830
1.0 work in home office, prepare for day with clients
1.0 commute to City
1.5 work with clients, meetings

~12noon
1.10 lunch with friends

~130
1.5-2.5 client meetings

~330/4
1.0 commute down peninsula

~4/445pm
.30 errands on the way home
.20 commute home

~5/530pm
.20 hug & kiss my son after dropping my crap at the door
.20 play with E, who is exuberant to see mommy
.10 consider going to the gym

~6-7pm
1.0 hit the gym
OR
dinner for E, prep dinner for us, rub a dub with E, story time with E, bed time....

~8pm
1.0 prep and eat dinner with mom and husband

~9-10/11
1.0-2.0--either banking/emails during TV, working with wine, laundry, cleaning up or passing out. Depends on the day.

~10/11
blissfully hit the hay.

Doesnt sound that bad when I see it written out. How come living it is so much harder? Kind of reminds me of when I'd look at DTE (for non-lawyers, the billable hour/timekeeping system), I'd see days with 8.0 and think "huh, that's all I billed that day?" I'd also see days that read "14.2" or at my worst "17.0" and think--"yeah, that explains why I'm so tired, have no food in the house, havent seen my husband, forgot to leave a check for the housecleaner, found 6 UPS delivery notices on the house door, etc."

I guess it's a lot easier to digest when it's just a number on a screen. When you're living those hours, it's a different story. If I digress from the above schedule at all, ie if someone is sick (worse if it's me), if I want to have some *gasp* down time, or am more busy than usual at work--all of that is thrown out of whack and it seems like recovery is impossible.

So, I ask. . . what do we do then? Back in the day, when faced with the choice of sleeping or eating (when E was about 2-3 mos old), I always chose sleep. Now, I don't have that luxury.

I'm convinced now that if I could bill my mom time and my work time to my former clients, I'd be set for retirement by the time I'm 40. Ahh to dream.

Back to work. . .

Working moms... that phrase should be separated

2009-05-11T23:54:00.000-07:00

into two separate nouns/jobs. I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to "work" and be a "mom." For the past couple months, but even more so in the last 2 weeks, I've become bogged down by the stress of trying to gear up for my busiest work season, return from our psuedo-vacation, and be a mom/wife/house manager.

Really, I need a personal assistant/housecleaner/errand runner to help manage the Dixon household these days. If I could, I would pay this person a pretty penny.

OR, stay home myself.

Seriously, I never thought I would ever consider being a "stay at home mom," but these days--I'm feeling like that job and job title are not entirely fair. Admittedly, some stay at home moms get to shop, have nannies, housecleaners, car washers, errand runners and personal trainers. However, in my case that would mean I would continue to do all the stuff I already do (manage the household finances, grocery shop, cook, clean, fire up the troops for household cleaning, manage the pets, vacation/social scheduling, manage correspondence with family/friends/outside world and TRY to work out) and also add on the *huge* job of taking care of E. In return, I'd get to let go of my full-time work responsibilities (ahh, Calgon, take me away!!!) and feel better about doing a better job on both fronts. My (former) clients would get a rep who'd take as good (or better) care of them than I currently can and my son would get a mom who is actually present mentally, emotionally and physically when with him.

The biggest problem with this plan, as with all others that sound too good to be true, is that it is. We simply cannot afford for me not to work right now.

And so the struggle continues.....

Until then, we are conducting a MAJOR overhaul of the Dixon household--leaving no stone uncovered. Every nook, cranny, bill, duty, thought, to-do, expense item, income item, etc will be making its way into a spreadsheet for analysis on how to simplify our lives. There is simply not enough time for us to continue on with life status quo. For the time being, TV and the NY Times on weekends has been cut. What else must go... remains to be seen.

Advice solicited and welcome.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, new and experienced

2009-05-10T07:17:00.000-07:00

Today I am celebrating my first mother's day. And yet it started off like every other day--waking to the sound of my son thumping his feet loudly against the mattress of his crib, eagerly awaiting the arrival of mommy or daddy to start his day. The smile on that kid's face when we change that first morning diaper is like he's celebrating every single day, which only reminds me even more that I am lucky and blessed to have him in my life and a husband who adores us both more than anything in the world.

It also gives me pause to think about how different my mornings are now from just one year ago. One year ago I was pregnant (of course) and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little boy. But I was also sleeping in, reading the Sunday Times, gently rubbing my belly thinking about how different our lives will be in a few months, etc. Never did I imagine how correct that assumption would be!

It's funny how the cliches are true:

Motherhood is the best and most challenging job one may ever have--check!

Despite all the hard times raising a human being from scratch, I'd never go back to my life without him--check!

And on.

Don't get me wrong--do I miss sleeping in? yup. Do I miss working out without watching the clock and thinking I should get back home? yup. Did I read BT's blog entry about her uber relaxing vacay in Anguilla and think "holy shit that sounds awesome..." but also "those kinds of vacay are a long way off for us"--yup.

But look at this face--i mean, come on!

I know, I suck at updating

2009-05-09T21:12:00.001-07:00

It has been much too long since my last post. But post-baby, return-to-work me hasnt found the time or will to dedicate to updating my blog. Obviously new motherhood is a good excuse, but not an entire pardon. More recently it's my participation in Facebook that had effectively ended my blogging.

While I'd like to promise that things will change, at the moment M and I are struggling with lack of time, too much stress, too much clutter, too much to do and generally too much of everything EXCEPT relaxation and are making a very concerted effort to reverse that trend. Getting sick every 3-4 weeks, constantly feeling behind on life/home/work, feeling like we can either be good parents OR be good employees but not both at the same time, etc is exhausting . . . so we are on the path to changing that.

Any new parents out there (both working full time) have suggestions? We'd like to have it all--fulfilling jobs, be wonderful, present, dedicated parents, travel, have a semblance of a social life and make progress on our financial goals..... but are really questioning whether that is possible? Are we delusional or simply overreaching?

Oh and one other to-do?

2008-11-18T22:40:00.000-08:00

Yeah, and I forgot to mention the other big stressor in my life right now. We are moving in like 2 1/2 weeks and haven't got a thing packed. Yay!

The house (rental) kinda fell in our laps right before E's big coming out party (otherwise known as a party where E's parents get to drink wine and hang out with long lost friends) and we sealed the deal this morning. So we move in Dec 4th. But just to keep things lively, we are spending this coming weekend painting (it's a must-do, the kitchen cabinets and bathroom walls are *hideous*), the next weekend jamming in Thanksgiving and some much-needed packing and then moving day is here.

Granted, M and I have moved many times. That might be an understatement. 14 times in 8 years of marriage to be exact. But never have we done a move with an infant in tow. Should be interesting.

ps--For those who've emailed with concern, don't worry! We are only moving 4 blocks from our current location. :-) And the new house is much bigger, so our next shindig will be much more comfortable.

Back to the grind . . . UGH!

2008-11-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

Yikes. Has it already been almost 4 mos? Geez. Just 3 1/2 months ago I gave birth to a teeny tiny baby boy, 4 lbs 6 oz to be exact. And now he's tipping the scales at 12 lbs 11.8 oz, smiling at mom and dad (and pretty ladies), cooing and gaga'ing, practicing putting one foot in front of the other when daddy helps (we swear he'll walk early) and generally stealing our hearts on a daily basis.

And now, sadly, I have to go back to work! I know I said (in a recent post) that I was looking forward to going back to work. And in some ways, I am. But I am seriously bummed to miss the daily dose of E-love and cuteness that I'm currently get all day long. Sure, I'll get to see him every afternoon/evening and to be fair, my job allows me to work from home 2 days a week and be home at a very reasonable time the other 3 days. But still!!! (hear me whining here)

To be totally honest, the biggest reason I'm dreading going back to work is pure laziness. In the beginning, when E was first home from the NICU, every day was hard. It was difficult to even fathom getting out of the house with a shower, clothes that match and a well-fed baby. I never knew when he would freak out, I was *chained* to my breast pump and generally life outside babyville was non-existent. But now I have a great group of new moms to support me (and occassionally babysit), grandparents who would rather do nothing else but see their grandson, a pretty well-rested hubby and most importantly a *very* good baby who only really fusses when he wants to eat. I feel like we are dialed in on E's needs, wants, idiosyncracies, etc. And now that we've got it figured out (as much as one can), I have to go back to work. Now that I can actually work out (almost) every day, pay bills on time, get back to cooking real meals, keep a relatively decent house and finish very tardy to-do's (like thank yous!), I have to figure out how to do all that AND work full time.

So, yeah. yikes.

I do realize I should give up on the delusion that I can be the "do-it-all mom/wife/friend." But the A-type in me refuses to admit this might happen. Let's be real. I can't even update my blog AND keep up on Facecrack.

Here's to hoping!

E's first vacation

2008-10-26T15:03:00.003-07:00

I forgot to post a couple more recent pics! Here are a few from our recent trip with E to Oahu for a friend's wedding. He hated the sunglasses but they were necessary for the intense Hawaiian sun!

First dip in the ocean with Dad--he loved it! Fell asleep!

Freshly washed after a shower with Dad--he loves the water!

His latest stats--as far as I can tell, he's about 12 lbs now. His last official weight was 10lbs and change about a month ago. 21 inches. I'm going to go weigh him on Tuesday, so we'll see where he is. He's definitely bigger though, he's wearing clothes anywhere from 0-3 months and some 3-6 mos. Oddly, some of his Newborn size clothes still fit too. . . albeit a bit more tight.

Don't judge me, but . . .

2008-10-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

One of the things that has kept me from blogging since having E has been the experiences I've had with the real world with baby in tow. On the positive side, people love seeing a new baby. They goo and gaa and love to comment on his cute spikey hair. (which is not styled by me, it just goes straight up! I've been asked more than once). People generally get out of my way and give me wide room to get through, hold doors open and are generally overaccomodating. In fact, an old lady actually insisted that she unload my cart at Costco onto the check out belt because I was wearing E in the Baby Bjorn! However, I've also found that people seem judgmental regarding the choices that every mom has to make. So, I'm going to just lay it all out there. . . please don't judge me.

[1] I give my baby formula. Yup! It's true. At least one time per day I have to give E a bottle of formula. Most of the time it's because I simply don't produce enough milk. But honestly, sometimes it's because he's being a major fuss monster and I can't stand another breastfeeding session where he's kicking me, screaming his head off and scratching my boobs (and nipples!) off. It is no fun for anyone and a bottle gets the job done as good as any boob. Even better in fact.

I've been puu-puu'd for giving my baby formula and ya know what? That's f'd up. What if I was a breast cancer survivor who had a double mastectomy that you didn't know about? Would you still judge me? And the fact of the matter is, I have a former preemie. It's a whole new ballgame raising a preemie. So unless you have miraculously transformed your own preemie from a bottle feeder (which all of them are in the NICU) to a 100% breastfeeder and have some fabulous tips to share, please keep the puu-puu'ing to yourself regarding how I feed my child.

And as R recently pointed out to me--many of us were bottle fed formula as babies and we turned out just fine. No worse for the wear. AND it's not like breast milk is 100% chemical and toxin free either. Ya know that diet coke you had at lunch? Your baby had some of that too next time you fed. So please don't judge me.

[2] I am looking forward to going back to work. Despite popular opinion, I need some time away from my little boy. And I shouldn't feel ashamed or bad about that. At the end of the day, I miss having adult conversations about something OTHER than feeding schedules, diapers, developmental changes, etc. While it's been *great* for me to have new moms to talk to about this stuff (because frankly no one else cares to hear about it and I don't blame them!), I need to talk about something else at least once a week, preferably once a day.

Most new moms I've talked to are dreading going back to work, saying that they are going to have *such* a hard time with it. I don't really feel that way. Maybe I will. But right now, I'm very much looking forward to getting out of the house every day with normal clothes on, makeup and a place I need to get to at a certain time. I'm looking forward to having lunch with friends in the City without having to worry about if E is fussing, when he last ate or if he's got a wet diaper. I'm looking forward to having a whole day using my brain and the $100,000 education we're still paying for. I'm looking forward to driving to client offices and being able to listen to music and not worry if it's drowning out my child's cries or if it's too loud for him.

Unlike some other new moms, I don't cry when I leave E to run errands, get a hair cut or have a night out with M. Don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! It's natural for a new mom to be attached to their new little baby. Of course! But I'm just not that kind of mom. I absolutely adore E and feel so blessed that he's in our lives now. But I had a life before him and there are parts of that life I am looking forward to reclaiming.

These are the things I don't feel super comfortable talking to some of my new mom friends about. I get the feeling that they don't feel the same way. Or at least no one is admitting that they do. And that's a shame.

It reminds me of the lack of discourse on miscarriage that I experienced just a year ago. It seems like it's something that many women experience, but for some reason no one talks about it. Why not? It seems to me that it would be good for moms to know that other moms are experiencing the same thing. It's not all peaches and roses and we shouldn't have to pretend that it is. Being a new mom is HARD and sometimes saying "oh, it's worth it," doesn't make you feel better. It's true, but it doesn't make those *really* difficult days any better.

Anyways, since I said I'd be blogging no holds barred, thought I should put this out there. And hopefully remind myself that I don't have to strive to be super mom-super wife- superwoman.

Hmph . . . food for thought.

September round up

2008-09-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

Clearly keeping my blog updated has fallen by the wayside :-) But with baby on board, I must say, it's one of those things that doesn't even make the to-do list anymore. In fact feeding the cats is now one of the things that I have to remind myself to do, save the times when the poor kitties meow and lead me to the kitchen where they sit patiently in front of their food bowl. Aww.

Life with E is good! We are definitely getting into a rhythm of feed, sleep, change and change again. I'm now able to work out with more consistency, with the great support of M who doesn't go to the gym so I can. I'm constantly amazed at what a wonderful Dad M is. I mean, I knew he'd be great, but I had no idea he'd be so intuitive and tuned-in to E. He's probably more tuned-in than I am in many ways. While I can tell when E is on the verge of spitting up or about to come off his latch, he has an uncanny sense of when E is still hungry (despite eating an insane amount of food and seeming to be sleepy). He knows exactly what will comfort E most of the time (there is always the time when E is inconsolable). He's just an amazing Dad. I love it, it's so sweet to witness.

Another positive effect E has had on our family is my relationship with my parents. We have seen them every single weekend for the past 4 weeks and will see them this weekend and then be spending a week in Hawaii with my mom. Amazingly we have all gotten along perfectly. They are turning out to be the perfect grandparents (so far). They come down and help with the mundane house stuff (laundry, dishes, running errands, bringing us food) so we can take care of E. They also love to take care of E whether it's feedings, preparing bottles, holding and comforting, changing diapers--they (mostly my mom to be accurate) do it all. They dont crowd us, they encourage us to leave the house so we can do stuff for ourselves and they do it all with no consequence. It's the most amazing transformation I've ever witnessed. I wouldn't even believe it if I wasn't living it!

On the calendar for October? M and I are going to Big Crush again this year, yeah! We are heading up the moment it opens this year to hopefully avoid the frat boys and girls who came and acted all crazy in the afternoon. And our babysitters? My parents of course. In fact my mom asked me if we wanted to go to Big Crush this year and they would babysit. They offered it before I even thought about asking them!

Then we are leaving for Oahu for a week with my Mom for a good friend's wedding. Granted, the wedding is over the weekend, but we are taking full advantage of the airline downtime (Oct and early Nov are slow for the airlines, so M got a whole week off no problem) and my maternity leave to enjoy a week away. Yay!

I do hope I can keep the blog more up to date... but of course if you're on phanfare, you can always see what we're up to there.

Cheers!

A big step forward

2008-09-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

For those not too keen on baby-centric posts, you may want to check back later.

In addition to the WONDERFUL change in weather starting today (woo hoo!), we are experiencing another cool phenomenon in our house. E has finally started breastfeeding. After weeks of trying (and mostly failing), E finally took a turn in the right direction. It's like he woke up yesterday and just got it. Amazing! At a family birthday party yesterday (in private of course), he did an entire feeding from me with no bottle supplement. If you don't have experience with babies or have had a newborn who took to the breast soon after delivery, this is a *very* big deal. It's extremely frustrating to keep trying to get E to latch and stay on and continually watch him be unable to do so and get very very upset. I started to feel like he was never going to get it and that we had missed our opportunity to get him on the boob. It's also exhausting doing the "triple feed" (breast attempt, bottle feed, pump for the next feed) 7-9 times a day. Seriously.

For the past two days, E has been so cooperative and is doing so great! I'm so thrilled and feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. Now I can leave the house with a bit more freedom and not have to be so concerned about how long we are gone.

Another interesting factoid: This Friday marks the day E was supposed to be due. Wierd! I cant believe he's been in our lives (outside the womb) for 5 weeks now, soon to be 6. Wow.

The other good news? I'll officially be 6 weeks soon and can officially start working out. But I must admit I've not stuck to the doc's advice. I have been walking 3-ish miles per day (as many days per week as I can) and have started integrated a slow jog into the mileage. This week I'm going to try spin and maybe yoga in addition to my run/walks. So I'm not exactly sticking to the plan. But next week I'm starting my whole new workout regime and am totally looking forward to it! (and hoping to see some results). woo hoo!

I love Fall . . . so where are you Fall? And of course, life with baby E

2008-09-03T12:17:00.000-07:00

Even though the weather here is trying to trick us into believing it's not Fall yet, I am hoping it will catch up with my mentality soon. I am DONE with summer, done with being hot and sweaty inside my house. Done watching my poor infant son sweat his tiny balls off in a diaper and no clothes. Done trying to escape the heat. Even my tomato and zuccini plants realize that summer is close coming to an end. We haven't had a zuccini on the vine in a few weeks. Maybe even a month. And after our last crop of tomatoes, those too are dwindling. So, come on weather! Change already!

One of the reasons I love Fall-- college football season. That's the first indicator of Fall for me. Yay Bears!! I remain cautiously optimistic after last season's disappointing end. But I have renewed hope and a new little bear to share the fun with, yay!

I am also looking forward to soup season. While I love barbequeing, with E, we barely have time to get the grill up and running in between feedings. Whereas with soups, I can make them on my feeding breaks and we can enjoy them for at least 2-3 days with no effort. Perfect!

As for an E update: He is doing wonderfully! Although he had a VERY VERY VERY difficult Sunday (he was circumcised, a decision I still regret and probably always will). He didn't exactly love getting his Hep-B shot on Tuesday morning either. But it paled in comparison to the excruciating pain he (and therefore I) experienced on Sunday.

E has gained over 2 lbs since birth, he's now 6 lbs 14.5 oz (almost 7 lbs!) As my Dad says, now he can hold him without fearing he'll "break" him :-) We are finally getting into a more comfortable routine too. Now, when M goes on overnights, I don't freak and worry how I'll get through the next 24 hours on my own. Sure, I get less sleep because I'm doing every feeding. But I can manage that and even throw in a couple other things--the grocery store, our walk on the Bayshore Trail, a doctor's appointment, errands in downtown.

See, when you have a newborn, your life becomes all about the "chunks." By that I mean the 3-hour chunks from the start of one feeding to the start of another. After he actually finishes eating, burping and goes down for the count, I'm really left with 2 hours with which to accomplish a "thing." This thing is typically: sleep, eat or do something outside the house that can be accomplished in 1 hour or less.

Right now, I'm eating my breakfast (12noon is my first meal of the day if I choose to nap after the morning feeding) and blogging. If I'm lucky I'll get to that next load of laundry and tidy up the house, maybe even do some online banking before the next feeding in an hour. After the next feeding I'm hoping to get to TJ's and get a nap in. We'll see about that one. After the late afternoon feeding, M will be home and I'm going to race to the gym for the first time since my water broke. (i hope!!) And so on.

Such is life with a newborn. It's amazing how many things I once thought were "must do's" fall to the wayside now that my life is all about the chunks. It really does re-adjust your perspective :-)

Happy short week to everyone who's working!

Here are some recent shots from E's first trip to the beach last weekend:

My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades!

Enjoying the sunset with Dad

3 1/2 weeks already?!

2008-08-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe little E has been in our lives, or more accurately, dictating the course of our lives for almost 4 weeks! Sorry for the light posting, as you can imagine, there's not much time now. In fact, right now E is stirring for his next feeding. Luckily M is home today, so he is going to take care of this feeding.

I must say, when you have a newborn, you become astutely aware of choices. For example, when E is falling asleep after a feeding, I am thinking "ok, what do I have time for and what do I want to do--sleep, eat or get a chore done?" More often than not, sleep wins. Especially when M is gone for work and I'm on full-time duty by myself for 24 hours. It's tough getting up every 2-2 1/2 hours to feed E! Throw in a breast attempt every other feeding (trying to get him to take the breast), a diaper change and 20 minutes of pumping time (plus equipment clean up each and every time) and I'm left with roughly 1 hour or so. Anything after that, I'm playing with fire. If I leave the house without having pumped, E will be eating formula at the next feed. And god forbid I leave the house without any food, well then, I'm just asking for punishment. It's not like those lucky moms whose babies are [1] full term and [2] can take to the breast immediately. I dont have the option of throwing a boob at him when we're out. I've gotta either have my hand pump and the foresight to pump ferociously before he starts wailing or have some formula on me. Needless to say, we have learned that lesson!

But all in all, we are doing great. It defintiely takes some adjusting to get used to a new person in your life and making the necessary changes to accomodate him. He needs us! Plus, we have to account for at least an hour a day of just staring at him when he's sleeping. :-) He's our little peanut!

Other observations:

People LOVE babies! Every time we've been out in public with him, women will stop us and want to see him. Aww him and ask how old he is. Tell us how precious it is to have a little baby (no doubt remembering that time in their lives as well). Getting knowing glances from moms and dads of how difficult it is to manuever around. Today we went to Costco and spent at least 10 minutes dicking around with the Baby Bjorn. Who the f** designed that thing? It's impossible to put it on and get the baby in it (without dropping your child) without a second pair of hands. Impossible!

People are nicer to you when you have a baby with you. I don't know why! But it's totally true.

People are incredibly generous when it comes to your baby. Today alone we've recieved a very generous sum of money as a gift to E (one in the form of a US Savings Bond and the other money from a relative). E's grandmother is setting up a CD or something for him. We've recieved baby gifts from friends and family all over the place! Even our housecleaner dropped by the house with some baby gifts. That was the show stopper--our housecleaner giving up baby gifts? WOW! That is seriously sweet. I've especially loved the folks who've made us meals and brought food. That is a gift that keeps on giving because I can get more sleep, get other stuff done, pump more, etc.

Finally, here are some recent shots of E:

Dad holding E fresh after a bath. Spiky hair!

E's first bath

Tummy time with Guinness

Has a week already gone by?

2008-08-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

This week is flying by, which is wierd because each day is basically the same as the one before: nap, pump, feed Elliott, run around frantically trying to get stuff done. To add to the mix, this week we discovered our cats had fleas (ICK, I know!) and I've got the worst case of hives I've ever had in my life. Sweet. So in addition to running back and forth to the hospital on no sleep, I had to schedule a time for Fleabusters to come over and bomb the house before Elliott comes home, then arrange for the housecleaner to come over and clean everything up so that none of the bug dust, etc is left behind and try to figure out a way to deal with my constant itchiness.

I should post a pic of what these hives look like, because they are vicious. First it was just on my stomach/trunk area and boobs (perfect for nursing and pumping, btw). But it has since travelled to my ears, face, back, legs, hands and arms (among other places that shall remain nameless). Luckily, I am so busy with all the other stuff that I don't have time to think about how itchy I am. I just try to remember to take my Benadryl and have my benadryl spray and cortisone cream with me at all times. UGH.

In other news: Elliott is coming home TOMORROW-YAY! We are both so relieved and excited (and a bit nervous) for him to come home. In many ways it will be much easier to deal with all of this craziness at home, not having to drive back and forth to the hospital. Although we are SO glad Elliott is here now and doing so well, I wouldn't wish a preemie on anyone. It's unbelievably draining, both emotionally and physically, and it definitely won't be less worrisome when we go home. My good friend who had twins at about 35 weeks understands completely what this is all about--so it was great to talk to her about it. Having a preemie is whole other experience than having a full termer. Nevertheless, I am glad we are almost done at the hospital! I can't wait to get into a normal routine with him and integrating him into our new life.

Finally, congratulations to our good friends W&J who just welcomed their own baby boy into the world on Aug 13th! We are so happy for them and are looking forward to having the boys meet each other soon.

Cheers! Have a great weekend!

I should be napping, but I'm not . . .

2008-08-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

So I decided to post a quick update. Elliott is doing great and I've been told that the plan is for him to come home Friday. YAY!!!! I cannot even begin to describe how happy that makes me. For many reasons, but a big one is that I am SO. SICK. of the hospital. It's incredibly difficult to be productive or effective at anything else in life when I am constantly shuttling back and forth between the hospital and home every 3 hours. I know it could be a lot worse, so thank god it's not.

Elliott is doing great! He's gained 25g for the last two days, after a record 40g in one day. He now weighs more than he did at birth, so he's on his way/ He's continuing to eat well, do his business and not have any apnea episodes. We'll do the car seat test later in the week (they put him in the car seat for an hour to make sure he continues to breath normally), M and I will watch a CPR video and one other thing E must do (it escapes me at the moment) to go home.

M also went back to work today, so I am on my own until Friday. I made a huge list of to-do's now that I am *supposed* to have more time on my hands. Uh, not so much. I find myself still running frantically from home to hospital after Elliott's lunch feeding, then falling asleep with him on my chest in the nursery. So apparently my to-do list will take some more time to get through than I originally anticipated.

One thing I can't do, which I'd love to, is work out! So far not much of the baby weight has "fallen" off as others have told me it would. Just a mere 9 lbs. So I'd love to be able to work out for that reason as well as the fact that my muscles are atrophying each day I'm not doing much. Ick.

Ahh, c'est la vie for now. I'm looking forward to Elliott coming home so we can take nice long walks as a little family.

I am happy to report, however, that I am back to enjoying wine!! Definitely not as much, since I can only drink right after I pump and not too close to the next pump session (every 3 hours). But I am very happy about that!

Cheers!

Houston, we have a name!

2008-08-08T22:30:00.000-07:00

As most of you probably know by now, we've finally made it official! Our son's name is Elliott. We had the hardest time coming to a decision on his name. I can't explain why. We had 3 great names picked out and they were all different. We tried them out almost every time we saw him (which at 8 feedings a day is a lot) and still we couldnt decide.

Then yesterday the birth certificate people came hunting us down. Apparently there is some state law that your child must have a name after 5 days. Oops. We managed to avoid her for another day between our time in the nursery, naps (when we have a 'do not disturb' sign on our door) and our hour or so away from the hospital. But she finally caught up with us yesterday, so the time crunch was on.

Anywhoo, we decided on Elliott and so far, everyone is loving it. Which is great, but of course no one is going to tell you the name you selected stinks. Nor would we care.

As for other updates: Elliott gained 20 grams in the last day, which is great! Almost an ounce. So he'll be back to his birthweight soon. Overall, showing consistent weight gain is a good thing, so we're very happy about that. And he had an awesome day today, feedings-wise. He LOVES feedings with Daddy. In fact, I think he's a better eater with M than he is with me. M says it's because he's more aggressive than I am. I hate to force him to eat when it seems like he's done. But because he's a preemie, we have to make sure he's getting his 30-45mls per feedings. It's like the law. And M is very good about making sure he gets it all. Me? Not as good. When he gets really tuckered out after 30 mins, I have a hard time forcing the last 10mls on him. Plus he looks so freakin' cute when he falls asleep after a feeding.

And this is my life right now. :-) Friday night at the hospital, watching the Olympic opening ceremonies with M, pumping while I blog and looking forward to the next feeding with him at midnight.

Cheers!

Baby Dixon updates

2008-08-04T23:31:00.000-07:00

Since many of you have questions... here are some updates:

We havent quite selected his name yet, we are constantly discussing it and hope to have it settled soon.

We aren't at home yet. He's still in the nursery and it looks like he'll be there for at least a week or more. Luckily, our hospital offers "maternity inn" which is basically a room we can stay in until he is discharged. So for now, we are staying at the hospital. We are definitely looking forward to going home! It'll be great to sleep (or nap, really) in our own bed and have him at home finally.

Ok, must run for now! Cheers!

Baby boy Dixon has arrived!

2008-08-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

The quick stats:

Baby Boy Dixon arrived unbelievably quickly after just 5 hours of labor on Friday, August 1, 2008 at 7:57pm. He weighed in at a healthy 4 lb 6 oz--which is great for a 34 week old. He came out and cried right away, which was great!

Me and baby are doing fabulously. I just love him to death :-) He is literally the sweetest thing I've ever seen, experienced, been through, waited for, loved. There is absolutely nothing else like it in the world. I'm finally convinced.

Ok, gotta hurry up and eat before the next round of feeding!

He's coming soon, o mi god!

2008-07-31T17:44:00.000-07:00

I just got the word that I will be induced tomorrow. O MI GOD. Now I am freaking out. Holy shit! We have some serious childbirth DVD watching to do. And perhaps come up with a name?!

o mi god. I dont even know what to think now. I have just got into a groove of being here in the hospital. And around 5pm my ob walked in and said "we're going to induce you tomorrow."

holy shit. that's all I can say right now..... O MI GOD.

Update from the hospital

2008-07-31T10:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally won my little battle for a shower--yay! I wish I had known, or had even an inkling, that I'd be admitted Tuesday night when I came in--I totally would have taken a shower before coming to the shower. But once the water breaks you're on the clock, so to say, and they want to monitor you and keep the situation under control. Word of advice to pregnant women--before you come to hospital for anything other than a dire emergency--take your last shower at home!

Ever since Wednesday morning, I've been asking every shift of nurses if I can have a quick shower to wash my hair. My primary ob said no... but every time a new shift comes on, I nicely plead my case and see if the on-call ob will let me. And this morning, my new cool am shift nurse said she'd ask my on call ob (who is also a practitioner in my ob practice) if I could and *finally* I got the yes!

I cant even tell you how nice it was to wash, shave, shower, put on clean clothes and get in a clean bed. Granted, it was all in a matter of 10 minutes and my feet were back to swollen afterwards. But it was more than worth it.

The other update is the POA (if anyone watches Design Star on HGTV, then you know this is Mikey V's favorite catch phrase--Plan of Action). Long story short is that I'm on 2 shots of steroids (every 24 hrs) to quickly help develop our baby's lungs, as lung maturity is the biggest concern now that he'll be a preemie. After the 2nd shot this afternoon, within 24-48 hours I'll be induced. So by Friday afternoon I may be starting labor according to the current plan.

Clearly this isn't the POA M and I had in mind a couple weeks ago when I thought we'd be able to avoid drug intervention. We are so in unchartered territory right now--I am going even earlier than my good friend who had twins a couple months ago. So the drug part is mostly out of my control unfortunately. I will be given Pitocin to induce labor and because the contractions are so much more painful and strong on Pit, I will likely have to get some sort of pain medication. I was bummed to hear that my hospital doesn't offer walking epidurals. So my choice will be flat on my back epidural or some other narcotic that's got a shorter life cycle and is basically less effective (Fentinol?). I'll see how things go I guess!

For now, M and I are just hanging in the room here. We're as comfortable as we can be--have snacks, computers, clothes, cameras and video cameras. I get my three meals a day (although lunch yesterday was a no-go, I asked M to bring me a salad instead). In fact, last night M and his buddy saw people bringing in boxes of pizza---hmm, that's a good idea too. We've recieved lovely flowers from concerned and thoughtful friends. And my other currently-pregnant friend and her husband came to visit us last night bearing candy, snacks, celebrity gossip rags and a birthing prep video--thank god! I signed up for our childbirth prep course, which was set for Aug 16 and 23, but clearly we aren't going to be making that. So we're doing the best we can with videos and on-the-job training once labor starts.

Looks like baby boy Dixon is making his appearance much in the same way his parents have lived their married lives--on the fly and never knowing quite when he's going to get here.

Cheers! Stay tuned. . .

In case you hadn't already heard . . .

2008-07-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

My water broke last night aout 1045pm and I'm now in the hospital on bed rest. Because our baby is so early, not yet 34 weeks, they want me to bake him a little bit more before they induce. And as long as he's doing well and happy in there--good heart rate, no distress, he will stay inside for another 48 hours. Until then, as long as I dont have contractions, I am instructed to lay down (Doc was not happy to see me sitting up and on my laptop) and just chill out.

Right now all is well. M and I are trying not to think about any bad things that could happen to him once he's here. We are hoping and sending good vibes to him that he's healthy, at a good weight (he's roughly 5 or so lbs now) and can breathe on his own or with little help so he can stay at the hospital with me. If he has to be intubated, he will have to get transferred to CPMC in SF, which would suck.

There is a high likelihood that he will be in the NICU for a couple weeks until he gets to 36 weeks. But if he's anything like his dad, who was a super-sick preemie, he will be a fighter and prove everyone how amazing he can be and go home with us.

So for now, all is ok here. I am having small contractions but I dont feel them yet and I'm not progressing, which is good. The longer he cooks inside, the better. The only bummer is that hospital food is like airplane food...ick. So M is going to make a grocery run today and get some actually-ripe fruit and food stuff for us both.

Thanks to G&M for the gorgeous flowers!! They smell so good and were such a beautiful surprise. Thanks to all of our amazing friends for your support, well wishes and early congrats. Hopefully we will be able to send/post pics by early next week!

Cheers!

Report from Week 33 1/2: It's gettin' hot in herre

2008-07-28T16:13:00.000-07:00

That is the messed up way Nelly spells it, right?

Anywhoo--it's hot. it's damn hot. real hot in week 33 and i suspect it's only going to get worse. This weekend M and I went up to Sacramento for the baby shower hosted by my mom. It was something like 104 degrees on Saturday and we opened presents outside. At first it didn't seem so bad--my parents installed misters on the patio and we were blissfully misted for awhile. Then the sun moved, shade moved and I was sitting in a puddle of my own sweat. I literally had a sweat rag to wipe down between presents.

That's not just because it was 100+ degrees though. I was sweating indoors with the AC running, exerting no energy whatsoever. And my feet and hands were swollen to all get up as well.

M was complaining that I kept the AC in the car too cold, said his feet were freezing. Too bad buddy. I'm fucking hot and since M forgot his driver's license, I was the PIC. That means I control the AC. (PIC=pilot in command)

I hear this is normal. That does not make me feel better.

Please, please please let there be NO MORE HEAT WAVES in the Bay Area. I may not make it unscathed. I will blow up like a hot dog in a microwave that suddenly bursts.

On another note: The shower was a blast besides all the sweating. I'm looking forward to the Bay Area baby shower this weekend, which will undoubtedly be cooler and will involve more alcohol for my wine-lovin' friends :-)

Cheers!

Baby boy D is doing great

2008-07-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

We just got back from my 32-week ultrasound this morning and all indications are that Baby boy D is right on track! His growth, heartbeat, major body parts (head, brain, limbs, internal organs) are right on target for his gestation. He weighs 4 lbs 8 oz right now (4.5 lbs), which is exactly where he should be. If he arrives on time at average weight, the guesstimate is that he'll be anywhere from 7-8 lbs. Due date is still between Sept 12-13.

The ultrasound was really cool this week! We were able to see a close up of his face--he has chubby cheeks already and hair on his head! We both thought at that moment, "this is definitely our kid" :-) We also got to see his heart close up, see how big is femur is, etc. It was absolutely amazing how much they can see/tell from an ultrasound.

This shot is confirmation that it's a boy:

This short is a profile of him sucking his thumb. Sorry you can't really see much. It was much better live than the picture.

32 weeks!

2008-07-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

Finally! I'm hitting another self-designated milestone, 32 weeks. Woo hoo! On Monday we will see our little boy in an ultrasound, the first time since we found out he was a boy at 17 1/2 weeks. We are both looking forward to this appointment. Hopefully everything is a-ok, status quo and it doesn't change anything as far as the outlook for the next 8 weeks. There's always a chance that his growth is off or I have a placental issue (which is why the doc ordered a third trimester ultrasound to begin with--elevated HcG level in me)... but I'm hoping it was all precautionary.

After my 32-week appointment next week, I'll have to go in weekly for non-stress tests, which I didn't even know were going to be required when they told me at 17 weeks that I had a *slightly* elevated HcG. (so slightly... 2.02 is my number, normal range is up to 2.0) Right now, my only concern with the weekly NSTs are the time consuming factor. I have to go to the hospital (not my dr's office) and get strapped up to a machine for up to an hour. I haven't found out if this is something I can do on a weekend... but hopefully they're not as restrictive as regular business hours.

Anywhoo. Other than that, all is well. Baby boy D is kicking, rolling, pushing, moving, shuddering, etc all the time.

Another interesting development: I recently watching this movie, The Business of Being Born, and I have to be honest, it has seriously changed my mind about how I want to give birth. At least given me some serious food for thought. One of the best lines in the film, "most people do more research on buying a car, a phone, a stereo, than they do on their options for giving birth." Um yeah. Guilty as charged. In fact, the day I saw the film, one of my things to do was "sign up for birthing class," and I was just going to do the one the hospital offered. I mean, they know what they're doing right? uh...

So needless to say, I've been an information hound, reading and re-reading sections I probably glazed over in a book recommended by my midwife, Birthing From Within. Researching natural childbirth options, the possible help of a doula, formulating a list of questions for my dr at my next appointment and heavily researching childbirth prep classes that will educate M and I on pain coping mechanisms that will help me avoid begging for an eppy.

Don't get me wrong, I am reserving my right to cry for an epidural. We haven't gone all "home birth" (not that there is anything wrong with that, in fact M is up for it) and are not anti-hospital. I'm not agro-granola now and moving to a commune to deliver. But I am planning to go into labor and delivery eyes wide open, armed with information and hoping to stand our ground on avoiding unnecessary intervention (M is my designated advocate in the event I go animalistic in labor, which I'm told is almost inevitable). I am also lucky that the ob/gyn practice I've chosen (by accident 8 years ago, who knew?!) firmly believes that midwives will attend your labor and deliver your baby if all is normal and that a doctor will be on call and come in only in the event that a medical emergency calls for it. I am also lucky that I love both of the midwives in my practice and feel 100% confident that they can deliver our son safe and sound.

I do think medicine has its place and can be immensely helpful and obviously necessary for some situations (like my D&C). But if I am lucky enough to have a "normal" labor, I'd like to have the use of my legs, which I won't be able to do if I have an epidural, to get into birthing positions that are conducive to actually giving birth. I'd like to be able to move around and not be stuck on my back in bed for hours trying to push from an unnatural (physiologically-wise) position. Basically, I'd like to be in control of my body as long as I can, and when it's no longer possible, I'd like my body and our baby to guide my labor and delivery--not drugs, an obstetrician's dinner plans or the snowball effect of routine medical intervention (pit, eppy, more pit to deal with the slow-down caused by an eppy, etc, etc).

Thankfully, M has been through the medical system before (many times) and feels as strongly, if not more, than I do about avoiding unnecessary medical intervention if possible. So I feel confident that he will step up and advocate for what we've discussed when the time comes.

Anywhoo.. just a taste of what's to come I guess!

The honeymoon is over my friends

2008-07-14T22:34:00.000-07:00

I guess cliches are cliches because they are so true. At some point during the third trimester (I have heard) every pregnant woman decides enough is enough. I'm almost there. I dont want to committ to saying I'm 100% there yet, because I am certain there is much worse I will endure before the boy arrives. But I am over it. Finito. Done. Cooked. Stick a fork in me, I am d-o-n-e. I am actually looking forward to labor and delivery if it means I will be able to push our baby in a stroller in front of me rather than strapped ON me.

A little less than 9 weeks to go and DAMN does that sound like a long time. I'm already dreaming about looking for an easy 5 or 10k to sign up for in Feb/March as my goal. (haven't decided if I'll push him with me or leave him with dad during the race). And maybe even a summer half marathon. I've already calculated in my head how much time it would reasonably take to lose the weight I've gained (and the few I had when I found out I was pregnant). And I've just started considering when I'll have the courage to drag my fancy jeans out of the garage and attempt to put them on for the first time. (the jeans I bought in Vancouver just 2 days before I found out I was pregnant!)

Things I am looking forward to are: sushi, wine, a diet (believe it or not) that doesn't include milk & ovaltine almost every day and probably about 80% less cereal than I'm currently consuming. I'm looking forward to SLEEPING ON MY STOMACH!! Not having my breasts shoved up by my engorged belly, seeing my bikini line (no matter how chubby it may be), tying my shoes with my feet right in front of me (rather than sitting with ankle on opposite knee and tying the laces on the sides). Not having to grasp the headboard to pull myself out of bed 6 times a night to pee. Giving two shits about picking something up off the ground that fell or I dropped (rather than waiting till M is around to ask him to do it).

There are so many other things... of course, most of all I am looking forward to meeting our little baby boy... to see his little face after wondering what he's going to look like, be like, etc all these months.

But, I will be *very* happy to be one single person again rather than a walking (or more accurately, waddling) incubator.

TGIF for more reasons than one!

2008-07-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

First of all, hallelujah it's finally cooler! Man, a whole week of puffy feet, ankles, fingers and toes was miserable enough with the oppressive heat. I thought I was going to finally have to remove my wedding rings until baby D's birth. But alas, I am returning to a normal state of puff, which is better than it has been in days.

Second, yay! It's friday which means I dont have to feel bad about being lazy for 3 more days. Although this weekend is socially much more busy than the last two weekends, I still want to sleep in and hang out with M and be lazy.

Speaking of being lazy... geez, I have totally fallen off the motivation train for work. I just don't give a crap these days about inane little things I should be doing. And I should care because any work I put in now will help (possibly) ensure that my commission come year-end will be better. But it's hard to search the well for motivation when the well is close to dry.

I find myself looking forward to maternity leave more and more with each day. In fact, the other day I was contemplating what it would be like if I didn't have to go back to work at all. Would I be happy to be a stay at home mom only? (I know, I know, it's a full time job blah blah blah... I mean would I be happy doing no 'regular' job for a paycheck) If I could stay home, what would I do with myself in the down time (baby naps, whatever other down time there is when you are taking care of a child)? And would I continue to outsource some of the home jobs? (housecleaning)

On the other hand, I've been contemplating going back to work in another capacity, one that uses my legal background and experience more. Sometimes I feel like I actually miss practicing law to some extent. I miss the vigor of searching for an answer to a client's question and finding it. I miss the sometimes-feeling that I'm doing something that matters to a client. Much of that value and intellectual drive is missing in my current job (not to mention that I'm not paid nearly what I believe I'm worth). But on the flip side, do I want to give up working from home 100% of the time and managing my own schedule? Do I want to have to put my baby in day care full time (no!)?

So, I'm definitely waffling on this whole work thing. But realistically, at the end of the day, I have to go back to some kind of work around the end of this year/January 2009 because we's all gotz bills to pay. But sometimes I wonder... if M upgraded to Captain before my leave was up and I had the option to stay home, would I? And if I didn't, would I go back to my current job or try to find something that [1] continues to let me work from home most of the time or [2] allows me to use my legal background/experience more OR ideally [3] BOTH!

Huh . . . dunno.

9 1/2 weeks: So short but so long

2008-07-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

Whenever I'm feeling uncomfortable, huge, cumbersome, tired, fat or achy (which is a lot these days), I keep telling myself, "It's only 9 1/2 more weeks." Sometimes that makes me feel better, I've already made it over 30 weeks now. I can hang in there for 9 more weeks. (my weeks turn each Friday).

But then I think, "man, he's due in September and it's only JULY." And it's been a hot June and July (for the most part). I still have to make it through the rest of this month and all of August and then part of September as well (unless he decides to come early). When I think about that, it seems so long.

So it makes sense to me why I'm caring less about going to my firms for standing appointments (when I may or may not have a meeting with a client, it's a walk-in basis) and why I'm not being as hard core about forcing myself to go to the gym if I'm hot and/or tired. Indeed, I am gaining more weight than I wanted to. But who ever wants to gain this much weight in this short of time? Besides, at this point, all I can really do is try to stave off any surplus gain, which is just a few pounds. Meh. I'd rather go balls to the wall after he's born than deny myself the comforts of cold foods right now (decaf iced latte, lemonade, yogurt, milk w/Ovaltine), especially since I can't chill with a nice glass of Pinot Grigio or Sauvignon Blanc or even an iced cold beer to help beat the heat. :-)

Here's to hoping that July and August fly by! I can deal with 10 days or 2 weeks of serious discomfort in September as long as I'm not working. But trying to drag me, baby and all my crap around the City through July and August for work, especially in this heat, is something I WILL NOT miss in the least!

Stay cool this week everyone! Enjoy a nice glass of wine or a cold beer for me please!

Unpatriotic?

2008-07-03T23:46:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but for some reason we seem to be the only people on the planet without 4th of July plans. Most people we know are either [1] on vacation/out of town or [2] spending the weekend with family. It didn't even occur to either one of us to make plans. Huh.

Sure, we could drive up to Sac-town and visit the folks, see some fireworks, eat some BBQ. But I just hung out with my mom all last weekend, which was totally fine and a good time.... not to mention that I don't really want to spend $100 on gas driving there and back just to say we did something on 4th of July. Then there's fireworks options locally, but anyone who lives here knows that fireworks in the City, and quite possibly in Pacifica, are just going to create brightly lit fog. Meh. So, I don't even know if we'll end up watching fireworks tomorrow unless they are outside our house. (which, like BT is experiencing, is quite possible given our neighborhood's love of cohetes).

I wouldn't say I'm feeling particularly unpatriotic... but it does seem a little odd not to even be bothered to think about celebrating our national holiday. Seriously, the only thing I have planned is to sleep in, go work out and see if M feels like cleaning out the garage this weekend. (hey, he's been seriously motivated for some DIY projects 'round the house lately, so it's totally possible he'd be up for it)

Maybe we'll go get a burger or something. That seems in keeping with the 4th of July spirit.

Happy 4th everyone!

29 1/2 weeks and counting . . .

2008-06-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

If you're curious as to what 29 1/2 weeks looks like, here is the latest:

I'm starting to see how they say my uterus is the size of a soccer ball now. Don't you?
Some other interesting tidbits on his development thus far:

Your baby now weighs about 2 1/2 pounds (like a butternut squash) and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel. His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is growing bigger to make room for his developing brain. To meet his increasing nutritional demands, you'll need plenty of protein, vitamins C, folic acid, and iron. And because his bones are soaking up lots of calcium, be sure to drink your milk (or find another good source of calcium, such as cheese, yogurt, or enriched orange juice). This trimester, about 250 milligrams of calcium are deposited in your baby's hardening skeleton each day. Courtesy of babycenter.com

Well, that explains my insatiable appetite for cereal (we currently have 6 boxes on top o' the fridge), milk with Ovaltine (1 gallon of milk in 4 days?!) as well as yogurt, cottage cheese and regular old cheddar cheese. Should I just buy a cow and get it over with?

Weekend roundup in pictures

2008-06-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

It's funny to think that my new definition on a busy weekend includes putting together nursery furniture, working in the garden and getting laundry/grocery chores done. There were no crazy nights out, no hangovers on Sat & Sunday mornings, no greasy breakfasts to ease the pain. Just a couple nights of pretty good sleep (which has been a rarity as of late), some movie-watching with M and hanging out with my mom here (and putting her to good use!).

Our family dog of 15 years, Taz, died on Saturday morning. My mom was so shaken and sad when she called with the news. The fact that my dad is out of town for the family reunion on his side (none of us were able to make it this year for various reasons), didn't help matters either. So M and I invited her to come down and hang out (read: help with the nursery) with us. Those who know my mom know that nothing is better than having lots of things to do. First, she's a do-er. She can't just sit down and chill. Second, it's a way she shows her affection--by doing stuff for people she cares about. Now that I am totally aware of these things, I'm able to deal better with her.

Plus, this weekend we were planning to re-stain/re-finish the crib, assemble the dresser and re-paint the glider chair for the nursery--all of which are right up her alley and areas of her expertise. Plus, I had some sick tomato plants that needed transplantation and she's got a great green thumb. So all in all, it worked out. She got to come down here, not be alone in her big house without our dog and hang out with us. We got the benefit of a third pair of hands, expertise and willingness to dig in and do the hard work.

So, here are some pics of the fruits of our labors:

The crib

M repainting the glider chair (my mom is making new cushions):

While we bought a new dresser for the baby's room, after putting it together (for 3 hours!), we decided that the color was wrong and gave him our dresser instead. The dresser we bought is actually part of the set that goes with our bedroom furniture, so we switched with him. Which actually saved us from having to refinish/restain the crib, so double yay!
Thyme that my mom donated to our garden:

Our zuccini plants are going wild! This particular plant has 5 or 6 new baby zuccinis growing on it. We already ate the first of the fruit off of this one-yum!

One of our Early Girl plants going crazy!

One of our Brandywine plants, actually bearing fruit! My mom says that hierlooms are hit or miss, so if you're lucky to get a plant that bears fruit in a season, you're doing well. Yeah! That also explains why none of our heirlooms did well last year. Although not exactly explaining why none of our hybrids did particularly well either.... Hm.

This is our formerly sick tomato plant that we just transplanted this weekend into a bigger pot with lots and lots of new soil. Grow baby grow!

Truths about pregnancy

2008-06-28T13:59:00.001-07:00

Ok, this isn't really a post, but I thought it was worthy of posting because it's absolutely true and pretty funny when you're going through it. The article I'm stealing it from calls it Belly laughs, I'm calling it Truths about Pregnancy. Enjoy!

If only you'd known you were going to trade...

• Monthly PMS for nine months of weeping
• Lacy thongs for cotton tents
• Sex for gas
• Zinfandel for Ovaltine
• Birth control for laxatives
• Going to the gym for getting up to pee
• Your waist for a hot-air balloon
• Kickboxing for kick counts
• Your innie for an outie — a way-outie
• Sleeping for groaning
• Freedom for the most intense love you've ever known*

*this one I'll have to wait to find out, but from all current reports, it's absolutely true. Every cliche about being a new parent (I've been told) is more than true. (if that's even possible). Stay tuned.

Happy Saturday! We're off to work on the nursery--building furniture, restaining the crib, painting the gliding chair, etc etc etc. Woo hoo!

A new high, low . . .or wherever the baby is at the moment

2008-06-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering now--Is it possible for the baby to have grown so much that I can tell a difference in 2 days? It sure feels like it. Over the weekend I was starting to feel mildly uncomfortable after sitting for a length of time. But now that my boobs rest on my belly all the time, I find my upper back getting tired of sitting for as long as just a lunch with a friend. And crossing my legs? Fuggetaboutit. That was a talent that left me probably a month ago, I can't even remember.

I am beginning to think of new milestones now that I'm in the third trimester. For instance:

30 weeks--because then I can assume/hope that I only have 10 weeks left. Plus, it's an even number; and like I said at the beginning of this journey, I like even numbers.
32 weeks--because that's the next time we get to see our little guy in an ultrasound.
35 weeks--because it's kind of an even number AND it means I only have (hopefully) 5 weeks left.
38 weeks because then he's no longer "premature" in the dangerous sense.

My secret wish is that I don't gain more than 35 pounds. My original goal was 30 but now that it's become evident that I will be passing that number for sure.... I have made a new goal :-) These goals are, of course, completely arbitrary and I know that. But they have been a good reason for me to skip a night at Yumi Yogurt (oh butterscotch with Reese's PB cup chunks I miss you!) and choose a salad over a sandwich at lunch, so it's all good.

So, I have a week and a half to go until my next milestone--30 weeks. Woo hoo!

Week 28: The last trimester is here!

2008-06-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's already here . . . the third and final trimester!

The baby is doing well. Man! He is kicking up a storm as of late. Last night I got the biggest kick ever, so big that I saw my stomach jump even though I wasn't looking directly at it. My eye just caught the movement. And of course I felt a huge kick.

I am now in my 28th week, it's official! I am coming in on the home stretch. YAY! I must admit, I haven't hated being pregnant and by no means has this been totally unpleasant. In fact, since he started moving around 21 weeks, it's been pretty cool to feel him all the time.

But, I am looking forward to getting my body back. Since about week 20 I've been fine with the weight gain and looking chunky. I'm not totally at ease with the fat thighs part, as I'd been hoping and trying to keep my arms and legs looking reasonable with regular workouts. (that didn't exactly work out for me even though I have been working out). But overall, it's been fine. M doesn't seem to mind my weight gain, in fact he's still telling me I'm beautiful. He must be one of those guys who finds pregnancy sexy or something... he sure acts like it. And for that I'm eternally grateful!

And while I do realize there will be a few more months after he's born that I'm not totally back to my normal (or even close to it) weight, I am looking forward to being able to work on it it more. Right now, even if I don't want to, I drink milk, eat potatoes, lots of fiber, etc and whatever I injest seems to be making it's way to my hips, butt and thighs.

In fact, this morning I was looking for a picture to send to a friend who is making a bridal scrapbook for another friend and came across many many pictures that made me feel nostalgic about how I used to look. Even just 7 months ago when I thought I needed to lose a few pounds before the holidays. I can't wait to have my face look less chubby, get my thighs back to a reasonable size and look at my quads and not think, "damn, those weren't that big before!"

I know I will be changed when he gets here and this is definitely going to be worth it, but it still will be nice to be "me" again.

Speaking of me now, here is a recent picture of M and I at the Tahoe wedding a couple weeks ago. Trust me when I say that the angle is extremely flattering! I normally look wider and chubbier than this :-)

The blogging committment

2008-06-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

I remember back in the day when a friend suggested I start a blog thinking, "well, I dont think I can commit to writing something so frequently." Then I finally got around to doing it and was doing fairly well at staying current. Then, I stopped being good. I keep finding myself thinking, geez, I should get on and say something. But I realized today that I can and will only do as much as I think is a priority. And clearly blogging daily/weekly has dropped off the priority list. At first it was because work was insane. Now that it's June, however, I have fewer excuses other than just not logging on. So I've decided to let that guilt (or whatever feeling it is) go and just blog when I can. I will continue to post updates and pics and anything interesting that pops up though maybe not as frequently as I've done in the past.

I do have a few things to update on. . .

Lessons learned in month 6

2008-06-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

[1] No matter I'm doing, I'd rather be doing something else. ie, if I'm sitting, my legs get swollen and tight so I want to stand up. If I'm standing, my back is achy and I want to sit down. I can only imagine it will get more difficult as I head into month 7 here shortly. And then month 8 and 9. Yikes.

I am told by my friend who is currently at 40 weeks that I should hope and pray our son wants to come at 38/39 weeks because the last two weeks are hell. (and she's had a perfect pregnancy). Thus lesson #2:

[2] I have decided that I will be going out on leave starting Tuesday, Sept 2nd on the wise advice of aforementioned currently pregnant friend. I want the last two weeks to be free of the politics and antics of work as well as the worries of work. I can already feel myself caring less and less as the weeks go by... so I know I will not care in the least at the beginning of September.

Reflections from the Lake

2008-06-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

M and I spent the weekend here in beautiful Lake Tahoe for the wedding of a good friend. Let me tell ya, if a weekend in Tahoe can't instill some reflection and relaxation in you, then you are seriously wound up. We've only been here for 2 days and nights and already I feel so much better (despite the too-soft cabin bed on my sore, pregnant back)

Yesterday I went on a walk with a very good friend and we just talked and talked, catching up after what seems like a long time. We both couldn't help but be awed by the amazing views of the Lake. I couldn't stop saying "I've forgotten how beautiful the Lake is, it's been so long!" And it really has. It's been at least 10 or so years since M or I have been up here at all and at least 15 or 16 since I've been here in the summer. WOW. The Lake is just so.... blue, the most amazing deep blue. So clear, so majestic, so awesome set against the snow-capped mountains. It's literally a divine place if one could ever be imagined and created.

After a walk with my friend, a shorter walk along the lake shore with M and attending the wedding on the Lake's shore, I've given pause to think, for one of the few times in my life, particularly as of late.

I am so lucky that my husband is my best friend. We were at the wedding, laughing and watching all of the people dance, drink and have a good time and although I couldn't partake in much more than sitting at our very fun table, I was so glad to be there. I saw old couples ripping up the dance floor while at the same time laughing at each other and themselves, just having a grand time. I saw young couples expecting their first and second babies seriously in love. Of course the bride and groom, who are one of those couples I think "wow, they are really going to make it." And I saw all of their family members gather round and create the most loving and supportive environment for their most recent family additions and the budding couple. All of this with Lake Tahoe in the backdrop.

I looked around and saw those young couples in love and some seriously making out at their tables and then I saw what M and I must look like to them: sitting at our table absolutely crying with laughter, holding hands and in our own world too, and thought, this is so cool. Sure, M and I are not in this place where we are making out in public anymore. We are so much farther along on our path. We have been together for 15 years but we are still in love. M is so in love with his son that it makes my heart ache. He still (crazily enough) thinks I am beautiful even though I've gained 20 lbs of baby weight right now. And he knows me well enough to know that I need to hear all of that right now. So yes, M is my best friend, the best husband I could ever ask for and like the officiant at the wedding said yesterday, he makes me remember why we said those vows and how true they stand today (almost) 8 years later.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that we've been together for almost 15 years. But last night at the reception we kept talking to people from high school (the groom has kept insanely close with his high school and college friends), most of whom were in different crowds from BT and I during high school, and M kept remembering some of them. He's been around that long! This one ran track with him, this one he played some other sport with, that one was a friend of a friend. One of the last guys we talked to, another fly boy (pilot), told M "yeah, you do look familiar!" after hearing that we had been together since high school. One of the groom's friends from childhood went to high school with M (and as it turns out, also went to U of O with M and the groom, duh). And at one of the two tables full of the groom's college buddies (University of Oregon, where M also went to college) there was a girl that lived across the dorm from M. It was insane and fun all at the same time.

I know it must have been a weekend of serious reflection and some difficult reflection for some people. Something about weddings and definitely something about Lake Tahoe does that. I, for one, will remember this weekend, one of the final getaways before our son is born, as one where I became solid and comfortable in the knowledge that M will be a great dad and continue to be a great husband. Not for a second did I ever doubt that before, but something clicked in me this weekend and I knew he is ready and has been for quite some time.

Stanley Cup games always make me cry

2008-06-04T19:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, not literally, but pretty darn close. I went to a playoff game this series and I felt SO BAD for the losing team, I wanted to cry. I mean, sitting there (5 rows from the ice, nonetheless) watching them put their hearts, souls, bodies, every cell and every effort on the ice to win the game in the hopes of winning the Cup, it always makes me feel so so bad for whichever team loses.

And tonight is no exception. Pittsburgh has done an amazing job this series, not to mention Crosby being such a baby player (ok, kind of, but compared to the vets on the ice tonight, yes) and it just made me so sad to watch the last few minutes of the game thinking and hoping (even to the last 1.8 seconds when the puck passed right through the goal) that Pittsburgh might tie it up and go into overtime again.

M and I feel the same about institutions like Detroit. And the Lakers. And USC. We always root for the other team. For some reason it feels like they deserve it so much more simply because they haven't won it as much or as many times as those institutions.

I'm not even one for pro sports (with the exception of hockey), but it will be interesting to see what happens between the Lakers and the Celtics. Of course I am rooting for the Celtics. Mainly because I cant stand Kobe. But for the same reason I want all underdogs to win--because it's only fair dammit!

Watching the Red Wings players each take their turn on the ice with the cup (which they do deserve to be fair), I couldn't help but think of how each of the Penguins must feel thinking, "fuck, that could have been us."

To you Pittsburgh I say "Cheers and well done. Have many beers tonight to celebrate your accomplishment."

bye bye! see ya in a few months (i hope)

2008-06-03T22:55:00.001-07:00

About 3 weeks ago I finally noticed what must have been happening for some time, the temporary disappearance of my belly button. I pointed it out to M, who exclaimed, "nuh-uh?! Let me see! . . . . dude, that is crazy!"

It's true, it is crazy. I (normally) have a very deep bellybutton. And now the tan insides of my bellybutton (which also prove that I'm not insane and that I was tanner when I was younger) are coming out into the wide wide world and leveling out.

Tonight, while on the phone with BT, I instinctively felt my belly button and momentarily freaked out, thinking it was completely gone. Alas, it's still slightly inward. But in preparation for the inevitable, I say to you belly button "bye! have a good vacation and I look forward to seeing you when you get back."

Love the One You're With

2008-06-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

Another great fast read by Emily Giffin. I've always found her writing style to be so easy and fluid, it takes no time at all to read them. This particular story is about a newlywed woman and her apparently perfect marriage. I like Emily because her background makes her content so much more relevant to me. She's an ex-litigator (practiced at Big Law in Manhattan) and then up and quit, moved to London and started writing. Now she lives in Atlanta with her husband and three boys. Very cool.

I think her background is also the reason why this story is so engaging. The husband is from a very visible family in Atlanta (much like BT's hubby) and is an attorney, the wife is a photographer. It's basically a journey that a lot of newlywed couples take and make and how she survives it on her own (and in her marriage).

I finished reading this one camping a couple weekends ago and it was a perfect read for a long weekend.

25 weeks: The good, the bad and the ug-leey!

2008-06-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

A couple things I find hard to believe: [1] I've let my blog go 2 weeks, woops. [2] Me and baby are at 25 weeks. O mi god! It's June, which is also hard to believe. This year is flying by!

I've finally taken a second to snap a couple belly shots and shots of the nursery (by request). So enjoy those.... 25 week belly shots:

I told M that I don't really feel much of a change. But then he reminded me of this shot at 19 weeks (when we last took a picture):

So yeah... I guess I have gotten bigger. Which is good. I can't even tell you how many times I've been told "o mi god! you're so small for XXth month!" I'm 6 months now and I am by far the smallest bump of any of my currently pregnant (or just gave birth) friends. But at my last appointment, I was assured that baby D's growth is normal and he's doing just fine, so for now I'm counting myself lucky.

The bad? Well it kinda goes hand-in-hand with the ugly which all came to a head this weekend. For weeks now I've been having heartburn. It doesn't matter what I eat, if I eat at all. If I drink a huge amount of water, that fills up my stomach and gives me heartburn too. So I've learned to cope by eating and drinking smaller amounts of food at more frequent intervals and popping antacids whenever the heartburn becomes more than uncomfortable (which is a lot).

That was working for quite awhile until Sunday morning. Did anyone know that antacids can cause constipation? Lesson learned!

The scene? My folks are in town for a Parent's Weekend celebration (mother and father's day combined since we are unable to celebrate on either of the prescribed weekends). After a lovely dinner Saturday night (homemade pasta noodles with a light veggie/garlic/olive oil) and wine for those who could partake, we decided to do breakfast at one of our favorite spots, Hobee's. We sit down to order and just after we order, I excuse myself for the restroom.

*WARNING: THIS IS GROSS AND SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC*

9:15am: After trying to go for about 20 minutes (my mom came to check up on me), I started to break out in a full body sweat and my abdominal area is in pain. I cannot go! This has never happened to me before (in life or during pregnancy), so I'm not sure what to do. But after stripping off my sweatshirt and still unable to stop sweating (or go), I decide I need an exit strategy. So I go to the table and tell my folks that I need to go home NOW and Ryan will come back to get them. We rush out of the restaurant, and on my way out I tell my folks, "If you need to use the restroom, you better go here because I'm gonna be in there a LONG time!"

10 am: I am at home trying to go. M is (so sweet) setting me up in the bathroom for every possible need: water? check. book? check. cell phone, blackberry and home phone? check. vitamin water? check. And before he goes back to get my parents, he makes certain I am ok. Given my level of discomfort, I am doing the best I can. So he's off.

10:15: I decide that I'm going to give it 15 more minutes before I start the epsom salt bath (supposed to help with constipation). Still nothing. And SO painful.

10:30: I get in the tub and try to sit comfortably for about an hour. M gets back and checks on me. Still no change. I'm in pain and I can't go!!

11:30: Still no change. I've been in and out of the tub twice now and trying. Nothing's happening. But in the meantime, M has picked me up some laxative pills so I take those.

11:49: I throw up the pills, the metamucil crackers I just ate and about a gallon of water I've been chugging. And I meekly beg for M to call the advice nurse at my ob-gyn office to find out what we should do now.

For awhile, I am status quo. They say there's nothing to do except try fibrous foods, water, laxative pills. Enema being the last resort if nothing happens by tonight. UGH. But as I'm sending M to the store for more fibrous-specific foods (advised by my midwife-nurse), I try to pee. And I can't go. SHIT.

So I call the nurse advice line again and they call back saying that my ob-gyn wants me to go to the ER now. They need to know why I can't urinate and if it's dehydration, I need to get on an IV.

12:30: M rushes home from Safeway and picks me up and we head to the ER.

For some reason, time goes by SO SLOWWWLLYY at the ER. There are literally 3 patients there (including myself) and yet it takes the Dr. at least 20 minutes to come see me after I've been roomed and changed. Then another 20 minutes for him to wheel in the ultrasound machine (to make sure I'm making urine and the baby is ok). Then another 20 minutes for the nurse to come in and give me the enema. (Clearly this is the ugleeey part).

By 3:30pm I am discharged and on my way home feeling so. much. better. I can't even tell you how unbelievably uncomfortable that was. It wasn't "painful" in the traditional sense, but so much more than discomfort. I wish there was a word to describe it. Let's just say that I'll never take the ability to pee and "empty my colon" for granted EVAR again.

Now, more good (cuz that was groosss!). Pics of the nursery! Here is the dresser I refinished (painted and put new pulls on) We will be using this as a changing table (changing pad goes on top):

Here is the bookcase I painted (although I will be distressing it another weekend to make it not so bright). But you can also get a feel for the wall color, cute!

Here's the cute lamp set we got for his room too:

This weekend we also picked up my friend's glider (rocking chair) that we are going to refinish and re-do the cushions on. Rather, we are going to re-paint it (it's currently white and scratched up) dark brown like the rest of his furniture and my mom is going to make all-new custom cushions. Yeah!

Suprisingly, after all that business at the ER, I was able to go to the fabric store with my mom and look at fabrics for the chair, the curtains (we also hung curtain rods in his bedroom this Saturday) and for the blanket/bedskirt my mom is making. That's an additional bonus of having reconciled with my mom over the past two years and her being super handy. She knows how to refinish all kinds of furniture (she advised on how we should refinish the crib we are getting and the glider chair) AND she's a super good seamstress. And she's totally stoked about this baby and wants to make everything.

Here's a short list of what I already know she's making: custom curtains for his room, bedskirt/quilt and headboard pad, a bunch of recieving blankets in various weights for weather, a few slankets (she claims they are so easy to make, there's no sense in buying them), custom cushions for the glider chair, a custom terry-cloth cover for his changing pad (which goes on the brown dresser above). I think that's it. Oh, and a hand-made quilt with his name on it.Yay!

This kid is going to have so much stuff, it's ridiculous. But I love that most of it is repurposed (yay environment and saving money at the same time) and/or homemade.

So, there ya go. The good, the bad and the ugly. Even though I had a hell of a Sunday, I feel pretty happy with where we are and so happy the baby is doing so well! Kicking all the time and being a little showman (except when Daddy comes around to feel it. Then he quiets down for some reason)

Cheers!

Mission accomplished

2008-05-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

This weekend we had planned to, and did, conquer many of the projects we had set up for the nursery. We (or more accurately M), painted the entire room, I re-purposed the dresser in there and made it appropriate for a changing table (got new drawer knobs and repaired/painted the dresser), I also painted the bookcase in there so that it can now cutely store baby books and stuff. We also managed to squeak in a quick visit to Lullaby Lane's warehouse clearance to see if we could find a dresser and crib (we didn't.)

I must say, it's pretty amazing what a coat of fresh paint does for a room. The nursery now looks much bigger and taller than it did before when it was all white/white. The pale blue walls against the white crown moulding look so great, I now want to paint all of the rooms!

We also ran over to an open house today on a property we thought looked good. It was really cute! We both liked it. But when we came back to our house, I really started thinking.... it's not so bad here. Sure, the temperature control is an issue here. But we have 2 full bedrooms plus a bonus room and a garage that can store much of our extra crap. Would I love a dishwasher? Definitely. Do we need all new windows and window frames? Yes. But, for what we can afford right now, we can't beat our location. We can walk to downtown San Mateo for dinner (or my latest fav, frozen yogurt), Trader Joe's is 1.2 miles away, Draeger's is walking distance as is my gym. And we're equidistant between the City and Palo Alto (for my job) and 6 miles to the airport (for M's job). So honestly, we can't beat it right now. It's cheap, convenient and best of all we're all moved in and settled here.

My folks are really into looking for a house for us right now. This comes second only to their new hobby of buying tons of shit for our son. (I can't emphasize that one enough). But I'm gonna have to break it to them that we aren't interested in moving before M upgrades to Captain unless we find the deal of the century with a location to boot. Unlikely at best.

So until then, we're making this little home cozy for the three of us.

My car tells me it's hotter than f**k right now!

2008-05-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

Given that the INSANE HEAT is all anyone can talk about these days, I might as well post about it too. Holy effin fugnut it's hot here. And today it was a tad cooler than yesterday. Now, my car is black inside and out, so there's that to consider... but when I left the underground parking garage at 1pm today it registered 91 degrees in Palo Alto (after sitting underground in the coolness for 2 hours). By the time I got to Firm B 10 minutes later, it registered 100 degrees.

Honestly, I'd rather see the little snowflake my car bleeps when it hits 32 degrees and hear the friendly little "frost warning" ding-dong than see triple digits like this. Mainly because I know that back at our house it will, undoubtedly, be hotter inside our house that it is outside. Our house is a little greenhouse that cooks all day and becomes unbearable around 6pm when temps are starting to make their way down. And because we don't own this house, all the windows suck and have to be propped up with items 'round the house (like shoeboxes, plastic things, etc) because they don't stay up on their own OR (even better), they don't open at all.

I feel the worst for our cats. On days like these I wish I could shave the poor creatures so they'd be relieved.

Thank god M installed the window-unit AC in the office. At least we all have one teeny tiny little room we can gather in for relief when the house becomes an oven.

Seriously. It's 95 degrees INSIDE OUR HOUSE right now. What the F?!

Week 23: Almost 6 months!

2008-05-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my 23rd week. I can't believe how fast the weeks are going now. Next week I'll officially be 6 months into this journey. (Well, depending on which reference material you read... I am starting my 6th month now according to What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I go by the old math formula-- 4 weeks in a month)

Anyways. M and I were just saying tonight that we can't believe how each week flies by now. I guess when we're not stressing about every single week and just making it to week 13 (getting out of the first scary/worrisome trimester), or to week 18 (to get the ultrasound) or to week 20 (to hit the halfway point).... it's just easier.

The other corner I'm rounding is public knowledge. Depending on what I wear, it's fairly obvious to most folks (particularly women who have had children) that I am pregnant. Yesterday I walked into a partner's office and the first thing she said was, "I didn't know you were pregnant! Congrats!" (wearing an empire waist dress that IMO is actually kinda flattering, not fattening). But today I walked into another client's office who had no clue. As we were ending our meeting, it came up and she was surprised. But she also does not have kids, as the partner does.

So I think I am still a bit on the cusp. I also think it depends on the time of day. One of these days I will post comparative shots so you can judge for yourself between morning belly and evening belly. Evening belly is definitely unmistakable. Morning belly is like, "uh... kinda ..... you could be, are you?"

I'll let you be the judge of that. For reference and just coolness, this is a depiction of what's going on inside my belly:

For reference, babycenter.org says that during week 23 he will be more than 11 inches long and weigh just over a pound. Cool huh!

ps- In case you are wondering, I am doing better getting over the weight gain part. And because you probably want to know, I've gained 16 lbs. Not terrible for 23 weeks, not at all.

Nights like these

2008-05-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

Even though it was hotter than a frying pan in our house when I got home from work 'round 6-ish, I do like nights like these out and about. Because it was 85 degrees inside our house at dinnertime, the power was out and I had a super long day on my tired dogs, we decided to eat in downtown SM outside to beat the heat. Apparently everyone had the same idea. We walked downtown and found everyone eating al fresco at fabulous street-side cafes and restaurants on our way to the little Thai joint we like.

In passing, I thought, "I'd love to sit there at the Italian bistro and enjoy a cold glass of Pinot Grigio..." which is why I kept walking to the Thai place. It's too hard to enjoy a hot summer night at a cool Italian cafe with no wine. But M and I were perfectly happy with our meal of spicy clear glass noodle salad and basil beef with fresh spring rolls. A perfect meal for the night.

On our way home, we both commented on how we miss nights like these. It reminded us of summer nights in Sacramento where you could go to dinner at 8pm and it's still light, everyone is wearing flip flops and shorts/sundresses and not the normal Bay Area casual evening wear consisting of windbreakers/parkas and Uggs. (winter's version of flip fops).

So, even though I couldn't enjoy a refreshing glass of sparkling wine or a cool white wine over dinner with M, I did reminisce about nights like these of yore (if you will).

Cheers! If you had a brown out in your area too this evening, I hope you enjoyed it!

PHSPCA, not so humane to humans

2008-05-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

One other thing we did this weekend was attend our volunteer orientation at the Peninsula Humane Society. I had the urge to volunteer here about a month ago and this was the first available orientation.

Let me just say, while they are great to the animals... to the volunteers? Not so much.

M and I showed up at the prescribed time expecting to complete our orientation in the 2 hours they indicated. We enjoyed the tour of the facilities, talked with the other volunteers, thought carefully about which volunteer positions we each wanted to do. But as the time started to run on and on and on... I started getting nervous. For a couple reasons, [1] We were hosting a BBQ at our house at 2pm, 90 mins after the orientation was set to end. Keep in mind we were still in our stinky gym clothes having gone straight from the gym in the morning to the orientation. We needed to shower and get the house/food in order for the BBQ. [2] I was STARVING like no other. I am pregnant, obviously, and need to eat regularly to avoid all kinds of nasty. I ate breakfast at 830am and worked out and it's now 1230pm and counting....

So when the group orientation breaks and we are supposed to watch a video, a woman raises her hand and tells the Volunteer Manager (basically HR for volunteers here) that she has a 1:30pm class in Palo Alto and given that we have to watch a 10 minute video and then do individual interviews after (there are about 35 people here), she wanted to know if she could skip the video and do her interview.

Then all hell breaks loose.

I am thinking the same thing. We need to get outta here because of the 2 aforementioned reasons and now I have a headache because I am STARVING and I have to pee so bad I want to rip the HR manager's head off.

About 4 of us go outside to discuss this issue with him and his helper in private. He proceeds to tell me that we have to watch this video and that we cannot do our individual interviews until after. Then each person launches into the committments we have, how we stayed here for now 2 hrs and 15 minutes and we gotta go! HR Manager is an asshole and doesn't give a shit though. When I finally get a chance to state my case I say, "We have been here for the 2 hours you said it would take. Is there any way we can do the interview over the phone during the week?" He says NO. "Is there any way we can do something over email?" He says NO. "Is there anything you can do to accomodate us? I mean, we came and stayed for the 2 hours and it seems a waste to make us come back and do the whole thing over in another month because we can't watch the video and wait to do all the interviews." He says NO.

D-I-C-K-H-E-A-D.

As soon as he says he can't accomodate us, the other woman still standing there with me spins off and leaves in a huff, saying "I just want to foster cats in my home. But I stayed here the whole time and now I GOTTA GO."

He runs off after her telling his assistant to just do our interview. However, in the process asks me "Well, where do YOU have to go and what time do you need to be THERE?" (tone is angry and condescending). I said, "we have another committment for which we have to get ready. I cannot stay here until 2pm to do all this stuff!"

Ok, let me just say this: If you, HR Manager, are going to get and keep volunteers here are things you should NOT DO:

1. Yell at your volunteers at their orientation
2. Tell them there is NOTHING you can do to accomodate their request even though they stayed as long as you asked them to (and longer)
3. Badger them into telling you what their next committment is and make them feel like no matter what it is, it can't possibly be as important as watching your STUPID ASS video
4. Tell them during the orientation that you regularly have to fire volunteers
5. Yell at your volunteers after orientation!

I cannot believe how poorly we were all treated. M was in the video room with the others when all of this went down, but when I relayed the story to him on the way home, he was outraged. First, during orientation the HR manager tells us that if we can't do the time committment or if we don't show up/call twice, we will be fired.

Ok, WTF? We'll be fired from volunteering??!

Then after he yells at me because I can't stay for another 45 mins for a fucking video and interviews, he freaks out and stomps off.

After much discussion at home, M and I decided to NOT volunteer at this organization. It sucks that we can't devote time to the animals like we wanted to and I hate SO much that we aren't going to help animals because of this asshole. But there are many other worthy organizations in the Bay Area who would gladly take our help without making us feel like pieces of shit.

Not to mention the fact that the PH SPCA requires a 1 year committment at 16 hours a month. Um, sorry. I actually have a life, a job and a baby on the way. I can't take another part time job right now from which I'll probably get fired because I have plans most Saturdays through July.

So, Brian Probst at the PH SPCA: f-you very much. You just lost your organization 2 very good volunteers. And until your organization finds themselves a new Volunteer Manager, we won't be coming back.

That is all.

The Domino Effect

2008-05-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

DJC and Wintermute sound like they had a fabulous Sunday of strolling through shops, leisurely eating pastries, and enjoying the sights and sounds of a cafe. We had a great Sunday too, but of a different order. We started with a yummy breakfast at Hobees's, who happens to serve the best coffeecake in California (IMHO). Then meandered through Home Depot looking for a good paint color for the nursery and organizational shelving for the mudroom/laundry room. (Why we didn't do this 2 years ago when we moved in is beyond me!). Then we moseyed through Bed Bath & Beyond looking for curtains & rods for baby's nursery (that room gets insanely bright in the morning, so I luckily located some blackout curtains. Ya know, the hotel kind). Then we ran across an awesome consignment furniture store and found a couch we must have. This place was awesome because most of their furniture is actually new! So no gross factor, don't worry. We originally went in there looking for a new desk, but found a highboy that might work for the nursery and a couch I am trying to convince M we gotta buy. :-)

We finally made it home with all good intentions of getting started on trying the paint color and clearing crap out of that room... to no avail. The nap urge took over both of us (sometimes I swear M is pregnant too--napping, eating in the middle of the night, etc) and we crashed.

But we did manage to try out the paint color (too bright, going back to lighten it), clear out the dresser in there we're getting rid of, and re-organizing M's closet. We also managed to add about 3 more projects to our list before the baby comes though.... hmm. We'll see how that works out.

I am hoping to get it all done though. Since we've officially decided to stay in our current rental rather than try to buy a house right now in a big rush before the boy arrives, we are trying to make this place as livable as possible. Which includes getting rid of a bunch of furniture and consolidating down into pieces that are functional and efficient. Sounds like a lot of work....

It's bizarre how adjusting one room really affects all the others. But in a house as small as ours, every little thing needs a home or needs to be tossed/donated. So in the course of a day we decided we need a new bed for ourselves, a new couch (and sell the old 2 we have), reupholster 2 chairs we are going to move into the living room, get a new desk (and get the old one hauled away), in addition to the nursery furniture. It really is an Domino Effect.

The Gathering: Don't bother

2008-05-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. This book is a major dud. Like I've said before, I always give books 100 pages to get me in and did the same with this one, a book club selection that my fellow book clubbers told me suh-ucked. And boy were they right.

At first I thought it was the author's odd style of bouncing back and forth (without notice, rhyme or apparent reason) between her childhood memories and the present. Between her live brother and dead brother (same guy). But it went on like that in a rambling, nonsensical way for 100 pages--or rather the whole thing--and I couldn't take it anymore. I skimmed the last 10 pages of my 100 goal looking for any change in dialogue or prose and found none.

So, if you like rambling nothingness, then I'd recommend this book. If you prefer books with a discernible point, a plot, some characters you can grab onto, aka anything resembling a normal novel, then this isn't the book for you. (or me).

Week 21+: He kicks!

2008-05-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting for weeks to feel our son move or do anything that resembles fetal movement. Partly because I've been feeling like a beached whale and it'd be nice to have something to think about other than that fact. Partly because most all of my currently-pregnant friends had felt their babies move by now. I don't know, just because I wanted him to move! And while he had been moving on occasion, we really had to lie there quietly and concentrate for a few minutes, waiting for him to move. M finally felt him move for the first time while we were in Maui, so cool!

Today, all of a sudden, he decided to have a little party in there. All during my client appointments he was be-bopping the day away, a little kick here, a little bump there. It was awesome! He really got the party started after lunch. I love it!

M's not here to take the bump picture, so I'll post something this weekend. But I am quite certain it's noticeable now. Sure, some folks still think I just look "thicker" as one (gay male) client said today. (you'd think he would have been a little more sensitive, huh?) But at the right angle and in the right clothes, it's quite clear to the non-idiots of the world that I'm pregnant. Yay!

So things are getting really fun now.

Pregnancy rant #1 and Aloha!

2008-04-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

I. AM. FAT. And this is really bothering me. It does not matter that I "have a reason." I do not enjoy getting fatter. It does not matter that it's "for a good cause." It does not matter that it may be "water weight." None of that matters, so word to the wise, don't tell a pregnant woman that all is a-okay if (or rather when) she complains about weight gain.

I don't really know when this all happened. Before I went to Japan I was in great shape, my legs resembled their old selves, my arms weren't bad and my stomach.... well I had no hope for that. I'm not delusional. But after a week of being back home and sick, then 5 hard-core workouts before leaving for Maui (btw, Aloha!) I am still looking like a massive fat ass.

For the first time in recent recollection, I have visible cellulite on my ass and back of thighs. And speaking of my thighs, could they be any bigger? Jesus.

Needless to say, this is making me very uncomfortable in my own skin in Maui. I hate, generally, going on a beach vacation being even 5 lbs over my "comfortable" range. I am firmly OUT of that range and in whale-poaching range now.

For some pregnant women this may not be a big deal. But for someone who has spent her entire life watching what she eats (within reason of course) and working out with some regularity and intensity, this is very difficult. I am having a very. hard. time getting over this. And it's only going to get worse. I am perfectly aware of that.

Anyways, Aloha from Maui! Other than the fat factor, we are enjoying ourselves. The weather is pretty wierd today, so M just surfed a little bit and now we're chillin' at our fat hotel. We've never stayed at such a nice hotel in Maui. We've both realized, with certain clarity, that we vacation very differently than most of the people we've encountered. We generally don't:

[1] Pay more than $100 bucks a night for a hotel room. Or stay in hotels period. We always rent a condo/apartment so we can buy groceries and eat out less.
[2] Stay in our hotel room/apartment for any period of time. We sleep, wake up, eat breakfast and leave all day almost every day while we are here.
[3] Come down to Wailea for any discernible amount of time. And now we are certain we never will again. French toast is $25 bucks here at the Fairmont! f-that!
[4] Shop at the hotel grocery/convenience store for staples like water, fruit, soda. $8 bucks for Evian?!

We've just realized that we are probably considered cheapskates. But honestly, when I can spend $10 bucks on lunch for the both of us or eat on the premises for roughly 10 times that amount, who would eat here? Sure, it's easy and convenient. But [1] It makes no sense to do so and [2] spending all your time in Wailea and thinking you're actually experiencing real Maui is completely delusional.

Are we budget-travel snobs?

Don't get me wrong, this hotel is amazing. Our suite is bigger than many apartments in San Francisco and Manhattan. This hotel has a great beach onsite for which they provide beach chairs, towels, snorkeling geat and boogey boards all for free. And dudes who will bring you cocktails and food all the livelong day. But that's not really our gig, so it's just really wierd. We'd rather drive to some out-of-the-way secluded beach where we're the only ones, with our cooler and subway sandwiches and read or surf the afternoon away. Then come back to the room, shower and change and have a nice dinner out.

Anyways. Mahalo for listening to my rant(s). Despite my complaints, we are having a great time so far and looking forward to a lovely week here in paradise. :-)

Aloha

2008-04-28T01:06:00.000-07:00

Yet again I've let my blog go. I'm not entirely certain where I went wrong this week .

Anywho.. we're off to Maui for a well-deserved Babymoon, aka the last real vacation before our baby boy arrives in September. So it'll likely be quiet on the front here unless I can snag free wi-fi in the hotel.

Have a great week!

Aloooohhaaa!

My first real complaint

2008-04-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

Holy backpain Batman! Last night I experienced the most excruciating and debilitating back pain evar. Seriously. I don't really know why or what happened, the books just say 'backpain happens.' But I did some household chores yesterday that might have aggravated it. I dunno. All I know is that last night as M and I were laying down to watch a movie, each time I coughed, my back would spasm and send shooting pains throughout my lower back.

It was then I thought, "god, I don't know how anyone could go at this alone." M got me a heating pad and helped me roll over so I could apply it, got me something to wash down the Tylenol, etc etc. I was helpless.

So, I am officially logging my first real complaint--back pain in pregnancy SUCKS. I just hope to GAWD that I don't experience back labor, which I've heard is way worse than regular labor pains.

I am doing much better today but decided to forego my Saturday morning weight training class. Seeing as how I was having trouble standing up to get to the toilet last night, it didn't seem like a good idea.

Happy Saturday!

Baby update and pictures: 18-19 weeks

2008-04-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

Well, last Monday was my 18-week appointment and if you've been pregnant or know about this kind of thing, it's a big deal because if you want to, you get to find out the sex of your baby. This is VERY exciting news because up until this point most women haven't felt any fetal movement, haven't gained much weight, etc. So you may not feel all that pregnant until you find out the sex of the baby, which of course we did. IT'S A BOY!!

Here's what he's looking like now:

The thing by his mouth looks like a foot/hand but it's actually his umbilical cord (see, there's no bone in there).

The above shot is proof of his, er, status... it's basically a shot from the butt up. There's a leg on the left, his thing and then a bit of his other leg there. Like I said, this may be inappropriate to send to the world, but c'est va.

It was really amazing for M to be there for this ultrasound because he missed the 13-week one, so he hadn't seen the baby since the 8-week ultrasound and he was literally the size of a kidney bean back then. So M and I were so excited to see him. And, not to brag, our son did not disappoint. He put on quite a show in the beginning with his acrobatics, his punching and kicking, and moving all around. After about 20 minutes, he started to calm down and decided he was done cooperating. Thankfully we had already found out the sex, because he decided to curl up and take a little nap. Despite the tech's insistent pushing and jiggling my belly to get him to move and lay straighter for his measurements, he was insistent on sleeping.

Since the ultrasound, I've been wondering when I'd feel him move. Even though "they" say not to compare yourself to other women, everyone does. And all of my currently-pregnant friends had either felt movement by now or are publicly showing. I was neither, so I kept on pushing and prodding him each night hoping he'd kick me back. Well, at 3am the other night, he finally did. YEAH!! I got one swift kick in the side. Not too much since then. I tried to get him to kick me again last night and I think I got a small tap with his elbow or hand, but I'm not certain.

I'm still not really showing, my belly is the opposite of my friend's bellies right now, even though 99% of us are having boys. They all have little beach-ball bellies that stick straight out and are cute. Mine is still more of a pitcher's mound, just rises slightly and you can't really see it in my clothes. I actually look more pregnant after a meal because the top part of my belly (which seems like my regular stomach now that my uterus has grown all the way up to my belly button) rounds out more.

But finally one person did ask me, politely and in a roundabout way, if I am pregnant. So cute, she said, "Um, so do you have any news for us?" Clearly she knew. But I was happy to hear that she didn't think I just gained weight. She knows I run (or used to) and am conscious about what I eat/do as she is. So when her co-worker said, "well maybe she's just gaining weight." SP said, "nope, not LG, she doesn't do that." YEAH!! I love you SP.

When all is said and done, I'm really happy with how this pregnancy is progressing. Although I was concerned with my small size, my midwife has assured me that baby boy Dixon is right where he should be size-wise and his health couldn't be better. I've gained 10 lbs so far, and given that I'm 19 weeks now (almost halfway there) I am pleased, if not disconcerted at times to get on the scale.

Here's to hoping that I've only got another 15 lbs to go! Even if he gains 6 or 7 lbs, I'm hoping that'll do it.

Japan, again

2008-04-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

In other news, the Japan trip....

Overall it went well, albeit short--4 days. I arrived in Tokyo Friday and after a 1-hr train ride from the airport on the Keisei line, I met my parents at the Nippori train station for the 45-minute ride back to my grandma's house. (she now lives at the care facility nearby, so her house is our home in Tokyo now).

The funeral on Saturday went as well as expected. It's quite strange to attend a funeral spoken entirely in Japanese and run by a monk rather than a pastor/priest/etc. But at least I wasn't the only one who couldn't totally understand what was being said, my dad was there too. But the monk did say one thing that I felt was particularly true in our case, that a funeral, while sad, is a time for the family to gather and remember but also to remind each other how we can help each other in life and not just in death. (rough translation) For the Oshima family, this is particularly pertinent because my grandmother and my uncle hadn't been on speaking terms for years until after my aunt died last Fall (they now are, mostly because she's forgotten what they were fighting about). Similarly my aunt and my uncle hadn't spoken in many many years and in fact didn't reconcile before her death. So it was really sad for me to see my uncle wipe his eyes at the service and be reminded of how deep his regret must be.

But I'm really glad I went. Not only did I get to see my uncle, who I hadn't seen since I was about 6 at his wedding, and my cousin (his daughter) who I hadn't seen since she visited us last in the States about 16 years ago, I got to see my grandma again in her new care facility and see how happy and well she is doing there. Dementia is a crazy thing, she's totally healthy otherwise, but she just thinks she's still running the show. A few weeks ago she was helping the staff prepare meals for the other residents and after a couple days of doing this she told my mom "I am wondering when I am going to get paid?" hee hee! Then, she told my mom recently that she really likes this place and can't believe it's only 100Y a day (about $1 USD), although she doesn't know why she hasn't seen a bill yet. ha!

It's really funny... I just try not to think about the good memories she can't recall anymore because she still remembers me, my mom and my dad. For now. She's thrilled to become a great-grandmother, the first in her family. And I'm excited at the prospect of taking our son to meet his Japanese great-grandmother sometime next year.

My mom was so funny during the trip too. During my short stay, we took one day to do some touring we hadn't done before. We visited Ueno Park (a Central Park-like place in the middle of Tokyo), went to the Tokyo National Museum and went to Ame-yoko, which is an outdoor market that has everything from food, knock-off designer bags and shoes, groceries, pharmacy to old PX stuff from way back when. (It actually started as a place to get American goods during the war). My mom kept saying, "i cant wait to bring the grandson here... and here...and here..." (fill in with Tokyo Disneyland, Ueno Zoo to see the famous panda exhibit, etc). It was really cute actually.

After a day of touring we met up with BT and her husband, who had arrived in Tokyo just the night before. It was really cool to see them in Tokyo actually. We met at the top of the Park Hyatt in the bar featured in the film Lost in Translation. Although the views were *killer* the drinks were l-a-m-e and expensive and took FOREVER to get. There had to be maybe 5 other patrons in the bar when I ordered my drink. However our waiter failed to bring my drink or even WATER to the table until BT and E ordered their second round. And when my virgin-drink got there it was about 98% ice chips and 2% liquid. For 1300Y (13 bucks). Sorry, but I'm not willing to pay for that tourist attraction again. Puh-leeze.

Thankfully we were able to locate where the *cheaper* food is in the Park Tower (down in the basement, like it is in most tall buildings in Tokyo). We were so lucky to have my mom there because all of the signs in English indicated that the only food in the Park Tower was above the 41st floor (the bar we were in was on the 52nd). My mom found a building attendant and asked them where the food was (we read in my book there is tons of food here but couldnt find it) and they directed us to the one elevator that goes down. All the rest go from Floor 2 (entry) straight up to Floor 41 (where check-in is for the Park Hyatt). BT cleverly pointed out that if you only spoke English, you'd be spending roughly 3xs the price of dinner because there's no way to know the cheaper food is downstairs! In retrospect, our round of drinks on the 52nd Floor were more expensive than our dinner for 5 down in the basement. Huh.

Anyways, dinner was lovely and yummy--fresh, handmade Udon and beef over rice served with hot tea and a lovely mucas-fest by yours truly. I felt bad for BT/E and my folks for having to put up with a sick person at their dinner table. I'm sure i wasn't pleasant company and I kept having to leave the table to blow my nose. ICK. Although BT made me feel a little better by noting that out of everyone, that kind of grossness would really bother me the most, so it's a good thing it was me who was sick. Touche!

Alas, I was supposed to leave on Tuesday, but after a restless night with no sleep, despite the Japanese decongestant I took and about 5 mini-boxes of kleenex, I woke up feeling worse and decided to call it. My mom called the airlines and changed my listing to leave that night and we packed it up and headed out for a visit with my grandma. Thank goodness her care facility is close to her old house. It was a short walk and bus ride away, so I was able to drag my sick ass down there for a nice visit with her.

I can't believe I spent roughly a long weekend in Tokyo. It's such a funny contradiction to BT/E's trip. They have been planning this for 18 months and looking forward to it for weeks. I planned my trip about a week before. Granted, I don't have to book hotels, worry about getting around with the language barrier or even think about how to get where I'm going from the airport. I've done it now twice in 6 months and we'll likely go again next year with our son. It occurred to me on the train home from dinner with BT & E that my experience in Japan will never be what theirs is. I'll never stay in a hotel in Tokyo. I'll never eat 3 meals out a day there. I'll never really be a tourist in Tokyo. Maybe in Kyoto (kinda, because last time my mom made all our reservations over the phone for us the night before and figured out our train schedule). It's kinda cool actually. It feels like going to Japan is not a big deal anymore, it's not a o-mi-god, we-have-to-plan-forever-in-advance thing anymore. We just get a buddy pass on United from a friend, hop on a plane and bam 11 hours later we're there.

Anyways, you're officially caught up! I'll be posting recent baby and belly pics soon, so stay tuned!

Holy lateness Batman!

2008-04-18T09:51:00.000-07:00

I was thinking last night that it's been some time since I blogged, but wow, almost 18 days?! Geez. So I looked at my calendar to see what the hell I've been up to and it has been rather busy. The first week of April was crazy at work and I've been trying hard to keep up with the workouts. The second week of April started off with my 18-week ultrasound, which many (if not all) of you know resulted in us finding out the sex of our child. It's a boy!!

I think the only electronic/personal announcing I did that week was via email with the picture of him and his little thing. Which no one could see or identify. In retrospect this is a good thing because when is it *ever* appropriate to send a picture of your child's sex parts to all of your friends and family?! But people thought the profile shot of him was good, so that's all fine.

The day of the ultrasound my parents came down to spend the night with us before they flew out to Japan because last Saturday was my aunt's funeral. So they were here and then 2 days later I flew out to Japan myself to attend the funeral. Needless to say, that's all kept me away from the blogging world.

Throw in that the fact that I got sick the day after the funeral (it really reared its ugly head during dinner in Tokyo with BT, her husband and my parents) and the fact that I flew home the next day (Monday) after waking up in my grandma's house feeling like ass.... and here ya go.

Apparently when you're pregnant your immune system is depressed. So, recovering from a common cold actually takes a whole lot longer than normal. But dang, I've been sick since last Sunday (Japan) which is last Saturday here and we're now approaching the 7-day mark. I went to the doctor yesterday to try to get an inhaler to help with my "loud, dry barking cough" (doc's own words) and he just said "oh you'll be fine. Just take a throat lozenge. Even though Albuterol has no known effect on a baby in utero, we don't like to give pregnant mothers drugs if we don't have to."

Easy for you to say bud. Tell that to my baby who experiences what must feel like an earthquake and an ear-piercing barking cough every three hours throughout the night. Or my husband who is lucky enough to be able to fall asleep after I wake up the whole house each night. Or ME!! who can't get enough sleep to actually recover from this stupid cold. Doctors. Humph. What do they know?

Bump Watch 2008

2008-03-30T23:52:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting for some semblence of a bump to show itself here. I mean, come on! I'm now 17 weeks and still not showing! (at least not to the public) My three other currently pregnant friends were all publicly showing at my stage (granted, one of them is having twins, so she doesn't count), so I've been waiting for Baby Dixon to make itself known. I'm also dying to feel the baby move and be certain that it's not my imagination or the round ligament stretching I keep hearing about. It's not painful for me though. It's more like a giant knot is adjusting in my belly. So wierd. I have to think it's the baby, but I have no idea!

So, M and I have unofficially started "baby bump watch 2008." So funny, he actually had to look at my profile while I was lying down to see if there is a bump there. Here's what he saw:

Yeah! There is actually something there, it's not just my imagination.

In other news, I am so excited for my next appointment (next week).... we may find out the sex of the baby. Woo hoo! Until then. . . .

Ambition

2008-03-30T23:27:00.000-07:00

This weekend M was scheduled to complete his initial operating experience (IOE) with VA so I planned to be very productive and get a lot of stuff done. Some of which included: finally sending the pregnancy announcement email to long-distancers (done), going through the mondo pile o'crap that has accumulated on our kitchen table and throughout the home office over the past few months (done) and reorganize the office (not done). My very long, 2-day to-do list was comprehensive and very ambitious. Sometimes that backfires on ya though. Gotta say. I felt busy all weekend and I still feel like I barely made a dent in my list. In fact, going through the house doing some "light" spring cleaning, I added at least 4 more projects to the list.

I've heard about this "nesting" business for pregnant women. But I honestly don't think that's what's going on. I'm itchin'. We haven't moved in over 2.5 years, which for us is literally a record. I think we've accumulated too much crap and I can't take it anymore.

Other than that, I had a fabulous weekend. Got good sleep, had a great walk and talk with BT (who pointed out that we collectively couldn't remember the last time just the two of us hung out, besides lunches), and generally got shit done around here. I love that. Now if only I felt that way about the rest of my to-do list...

Cheers! Have a great week.

Gifts galore

2008-03-24T22:03:00.000-07:00

I'm doing that thing again where I buy all my wedding, bridal shower and baby shower gifts at the same time. And make hotel reso's for weddings we are set to attend this year. It gets expensive! So, to make myself feel a little more balanced, I am checking out this list o' crap we can register for for our little one-to-be.

I haven't set foot in a baby store yet. And only went to a maternity store to buy a bra (I was told I shouldn't be wearing C-shaped underwire bras anymore?). So I feel ok hittin' the web to peruse for things that we might need down the road.

I also signed up on the crazy baby store for all shit under the sun hoping that I'd get a discount on all the baby gifts I have to buy this year. Nope. No discounts. Geez. It really is like the wedding business.

Off to shop!

Must catch up . . . .

2008-03-20T23:53:00.000-07:00

I admit, I've been pretty lame on all blog fronts. I am actually not reading either of the two current reads anymore. Dumped them both. I have not posted in almost a week. And for some strange reason I haven't gotten up the motivation to even send out the baby announcement to the far-flung friends and family yet. Well, ok, we just did far-flung family yesterday. I feel terrible that we haven't shared the news! Last time we were busting at the seams. This time I almost feel like we've waited this long, might as well wait until we know the sex!

I vow to get it done this weekend. Maybe we'll throw in a belly shot with the ultrasound on our announcement to make up for the fact that we've been so lame in telling people.

At some point an announcement will be moot since I'll be showing. But it's mostly for the folks we don't see for distance reasons. Most everyone locally knows (i think?).

As for updates on the baby: The baby's heartbeat is very strong and now I can tell where on my stomach we'll pick it up. We used to have to hunt around for it and push on my belly pretty hard to get a signal. Now we could probably get one without even using the ultrasound jelly. So that's pretty cool. Whenever we feel curious as to what's going on in there, we just slap that Doppler on and give it a listen. Awesome investment.

The other day I thought I felt the baby because I pushed on my uterus and felt a hard bump. I was so excited, like "yeah! i got the head or butt or something!" But then at my dr. appt on Monday I asked her what that might have been and she asked, "well, did you need to pee?" Me: "yes." Dr: "did you go?" Me: "yes." Dr: "and did the bump dissipate?" Me: "yes, but i thought the baby just moved or something." Dr: "Oh, that was just your bladder that you felt. Sometimes it feels hard because it's so smashed up against your uterus." Damn. Wrong again.

I'm so anxious to finally feel pregnant. Get a discernible baby bump. Feel a kick. Something! But for now, we are happy to hear the heartbeat. But certainly anxious to find out the sex in 3 weeks!

Any bets? Guesses? Inklings? Send them along!

Yee haw! M's comin' home!!

2008-03-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

After a VERY. LONG. MONTH. without my husband and baby daddy, M is finally coming home tomorrow. And all because he passed his Airbus checkride! He's officially type-rated on the Airbus now. S-w-e-e-t! It was really funny, and oddly annoying, to talk to M after he passed and had a few drinks. (more than few really). Funny because he kept on repeating himself and saying how much he couldn't wait to come home, "i love you," etc etc. Sweet and cute, of course. And I totally think he should go get wasted after such an accomplishment, I know I did after I finished the bar (twice). But it was oddly annoying because [1] he's still not home yet and [2] he's partying and I can't. I know! It's so lame, but it's honestly how I feel. You got me pregnant, so I'm feelin' like you shouldn't go get to have the same life we had before with the partying and drinking when I'm stuck here alone, sober and carrying your child. (granted, I had just come from Bar Method with a close girlfriend who's also pregnant, but still, not quite the same).

Overall though I am THRILLED that M is done with his prison time in Miami. He's hated it. I've hated it. It's seriously sucked.

Thank you to the friends who went out of your way to make me feel not so alone during this month. besos besos!

Off to work again... for at least half the day:-)

Happy Friday!

2nd Trimester, woo hoo!

2008-03-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

Finally! I can breathe a little easier. I'm 14 weeks now and officially in the second trimester, yeah! Besides that, not much else new to report. We have been a little more loose-lipped in telling people but still have not sent out the official email announcement yet. I am more on the "tell people as you see them" train right now, I love the surprise.

Seriously though, it's been pretty uneventful in the way of baby updates. Oh, except that I finally crossed over the 5-lb mark. I've gained a tad over 5 lbs thus far. Eek. But I still feel pretty good, with the exception of being super tired today. I blame it on the time change and losing an hour, but I totally had to take a nap at 6pm tonight. Couldn't make myself go to the gym for the life of me.

Anywhoo, have a great week! More later.

The test results are in . . .

2008-03-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

In brief, the wierd dr. data I got on Monday where the doc said I was in the high range of normal is called the NT test and is done (in the Bay Area and in the LA Area only for California) as part of Integrated Screening. IS/SS is performed to test for the chance of the baby having Down Syndrome. I had the blood work done (as per the usual course) Monday and in conjunction with the NT test and results (on Monday where the doc gave me a scare)--BT was right. We had no reason to be worried. The results came back NEGATIVE! Yay!

All a positive would have meant is that in my case (because I chose to do Sequential screening instead of Integrated) if my "risk profile" came back anything under 1/50 they would say I was positive and that the baby had a 1/50 chance of Downs and I'd need to do an amniocentisis. (with Integrated, a positive would be anyone who was below 1/100). My results came back 1/125, which is great.

Of course there's no way to be 100% sure, but given the odds, I'm feeling pretty comfortable. And I'm definitely not willing to endure the risks associated with an amnio, which are significantly less than what they have been in the past. And even if I had to do one, I'm assured it's performed perfectly safely by CPMC and the Dr. who'd be doing it on me with a 1/1600 chance of miscarriage and 30 years of experience (thanks BT for asking how much experience Dr. O has and how many amnios he's performed).

So, for the non-pregnant ladies and the non-scientifically inclined, all this means is YAY! Everything is fine thus far. I'll do another round of blood tests in 2 weeks. That, in addition to my 14-week appointment coming up on March 17th (which will now actually be my 15 week appointment) is all good stuff because M will finally get to be there for those 2 events.

PLUS, and most importantly, he'll get to be there for the 18 week ultrasound (which is the 3rd part of the Integrated/Sequential screening tests) and when we'll get to find out the sex of the baby. YAY again!!

Consider yourself completely updated :-)

News!

2008-03-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

If you're just checking in.... and want the latest news, try filtering out the posts by Pregnancy and all things Baby.

You'll see why :-)

Crazy week, will post more soon

2008-03-05T23:05:00.000-08:00

Apparently arriving back from Miami at 3am on Monday didn't help me set up my week very well. As a result I feel like this week has been dragging me by the ear, I'm so not in charge. Like a mouse on a wheel, I tell ya. So, promise to update with photos tomorrow!

G'night all

13 weeks... oops!

2008-03-03T22:57:00.000-08:00

Holy canoli! Here's the baby at 13 weeks:

So BT and I went to my first screening appointment today which included (among many other things) an ultrasound and WOW! First impression--man this kid can MOVE! The baby was throwin' punches and kicking around in there like crazy. It was a non-stop dance machine. Like a little private party in my uterus. Second--the news that I'm actually a week farther along than we originally calculated and expected! So I lost week 12 in there, but so what! I'm almost done with the first trimester. Woo hoo!

For me, it was like watching a movie of someone else's stomach. SO bizarre. I can't believe that all that is going on in there and I can't feel a thing. Other than being fatter, most of the time I don't even feel pregnant! Now I can't wait to feel the baby kick and move around. Should be in the next 7 weeks or so.

For BT, it was pretty impressive too. She and I were both completely not prepared to see that much action today. Being the science person she is, she got to ask all the pixel-ey questions and 'is that the nose?' and stuff, and quiz my genetic counselor on the ins and outs of the odds of this and that. I was SO glad she was there to interpret and humanize the mass amounts of data they threw at us today because without her I'd be in hysterics and completely freaking out.

When the doctor told me"you're at the high end of our normal range" and didn't preface it by saying, "You are farther along than we expected, so a higher number is explicable," or "You are in the normal range, although .." I, as most pregnant women would, started furrowing my brows and wondering, "well shit, what does that mean then?" So BT and I were both unimpressed by the data-lovin' doctor's bedside manner. However, scientifically speaking, we have little reason to be concerned. Of course, the little reason I do have is enough to have changed my mind about the course of screening I'll be doing now. But unless I get bad news at the end of this week (which even then still has a 99% chance of proving nothing is wrong according to BT), I am content with the awesome action show I saw our baby perform this afternoon.

And I can't wait to spread the good news at the end of this week with a lovely picture of our baby!

Since I'm drafting this in advance, by the time this posts, you will see the 13 week picture here:

Can you see the arms and legs? Belly and head? Crazy!

The Alienist

2008-03-03T00:09:00.001-08:00

The other upside of a long flight in coach with a stupid movie Eastbound and a movie I've already seen Westbound is that I've finished my latest read, The Alienist. I must say, after a little rough patch in the beginning, it's actually quite interesing. It's set in the late 19th century (not typically my M.O. for books) and it's basically a murder mystery/historical thriller in which a team of unlikelies hunts down a serial killer. I appreciated how the author was able to truly integrate history of New York in the 1890s with a fiction that was actually engaging. And for the first time (sadly) I realized how incredibly difficult it must be to draft the first word, sentence, paragraph, page of a novel. As the author, you likely feel like your novel is thought-provoking, well-researched, engaging and thoroughly awesome... but how to start it to grab the average reader? I realized, when I finished this book, that I was actually engaged at about page 35 and that is quite awesome. I've said in the past, I give books 100 pages to get me interested. If they don't, I'm out. The fact that this book got it done in 35 pages is amazing and I totally appreciate it.

So, if you're in the mood for a well-researched, well-written and totally psychologically-driven murder mystery, this is a great find. It doesn't seem like it at first, but trust me, it is.

Happy reading!

American and now US Airways are on my s**t list

2008-03-02T23:53:00.000-08:00

If you've booked a flight to/from Miami in the recent past, you'll know that the only direct flight options are on American. I hate American Airlines. They have sucked for so long my last good memory of them was getting a deck of cards and wings on my way to visit my grandma when I was like 9. True to form, they f**ked us royally on the way to Miami. My flight, which was scheduled to depart at at 12:30pm didnt end up leaving unti 4:45pm. Yes folks, that's over a 4 hour delay to the East Coast. Thus, instead of arriving at a reasonable 8:45pm, I got in at nearly 2am and the normally lazy bag handlers at any airport at 2am were even slower than usual... because there was only 1 of them and he only had 1 luggage truck. Yup. He had to clear out baggage for an A-320 full of people and bags by himself with one truck. F-in sucked.

I was totally hopeful that my experience coming home on US Airways/America West would be better. What was I thinking? There's a reason M has always called them America WORST. The flight out West was fine, we left on time and even though the pilot promised a 5-hour flight that ended up being 5.5 hours, we still landed in Vegas on time. I should've known it was bad news bears when I didnt see my flight listed on the Departures board. I hurried to the gate (after asking another dude wearing a Stanford Rowing shirt---yeah yeah, but he was a likely fellow passenger and wasn't ugly so whatever) and found that my in-bound flight from BWI was late, wouldn't be here for another hour and I'd be departing at 1:20 am instead of 11:50pm. US AIRWAYS YOU SUCK. Do not fuck with late-night flights on a Sunday night. It is now midnight and I should be sitting comfortably on my plane home. Instead, I'm listening to the non-stop nonsense of "Wheel of Fortune" slot machines, other slot machine noise and blogging furiously. Thank god they don't allow smoking in the airport anymore.

The only upside is free wifi at the airport. At least I will sift through some work emails that I absolutely will be too tired to do tomorrow since I am now getting in at nearly 230am, won't get home till almost 3am and have appointments and conference calls all day.

Again, I repeat--US Airways/America West and American--you lick. There's no weather in LAS, no flow, clear skies at SFO and perfectly fine weather in BWI. WTF happened?

I know you don't give two shits about a measley passenger complaint, but I still feel the need to rant.

ps--Girl in the white long dress who is still drunk and yapping at the gate agent behind her counter (they hate it when you get up in their space), you should know that you can't fly drunk and next time you try you might find yourself the unlucky recipient of an overnight stay in the LAS airport terminal.

11 weeks and counting (me and the fig-sized baby)

2008-02-27T23:20:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me recently if I'm getting a baby bump. I said "no." But the more I look at it, the more I think I should be saying "kinda." I thought my belly just looked kinda bloated because it's nighttime and I'm always more bloated in the evenings, even normally. But when I wasn't pregnant, I could suck in my belly and go back to relatively-flat (for me, keep in mind).

Now when I suck in my belly, even as hard as I can, there is still a noticeable bump. So, yeah, I guess I do have a bit of a baby bump, even this early.

I told my boss today that I am pregnant, almost 3 mos (on Friday). And she was shocked, she said she couldn't even tell. So that's great. But before I get a big head about it, I haven't seen her since the holiday party in December, so it might just be because she hasn't seen me in awhile. I am going to see M this weekend in Miami and will try to get him to tell me the truth--is there a bump or isn't there?!

One thing's for sure--I am definitely not in my normal clothes anymore. I stopped even trying to use the Rock Star Mama pants adjuster as of late. Last time I wore it to dinner, I couldnt wait to get home and rip my pants off. So I figured it was time to move on. Sadly. I probably could get away with wearing my old pants longer. But it's like, why bother? I'd rather be comfortable and be wearing clothes that actually fit rather than living under the delusion that I can continue to wear my old pre-pregnancy clothes well into my second trimester, like so many women I've heard of. (skinny bitches:-)

So I've acquired some new cute clothes lately. I bought a cute pair of Citizen Maternity jeans and Seven Maternity capris from a girl on Craigslist, inherited a pair of Seven Maternity (and 2 other pairs of old navy jeans), and got a super cute dress I could definitely wear to at least 2 of the summer weddings we have coming up. Oddly, packing for my Miami trip was easy because I'm so limited in what I have that fits, I just packed what I have and what I recently bought. Done!

So far, 11 weeks of pregnancy have gone well. I've been able to hear the baby's heartbeat on our Doppler on a regular basis, so that's a nice relief. And I have another ultrasound on Monday (with BT) so we'll get to see the baby at 12 weeks. Woo hoo! I've been told this will be a super cool ultrasound, so I'm really excited.

On another note: my folks were here visiting last weekend (since M is gone for a month). It was surprisingly pleasant! We got to catch up about the baby and my progress, I got to hear about my mom's pregnancies and easy labor and deliveries with me and my brother (both of us were early by almost 2 weeks and her labor was short and sweet, YEAH!), and I was able to get the baby's heartbeat so they could hear it. Very cool.

I can tell they are excited. They are already planning what they won't be doing in September (going anywhere on vacation) so they can be here when the baby is born. And my mom has already told me to reserve a baby-shopping trip for her. It's so odd!! But also oddly nice. I think BT was on to something when she told me the story of her mom and her grandmother's relationship changing dramatically when BT was born. Good stuff.

More at Week 12!

I'm goin' to Miami.. bienvenidos a Miami

2008-02-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

I have been mighty lame about posting this week. Perhaps it's because I've been sick since Sunday. When you're sick, it's pretty much the same from day to day--sneeze, cough, flem. Sudafed, Kleenex and Mucinex. Nothin' anyone wants to read about, right? Or just plain ole lazy. Probably a combo of both. But maybe after a weekend visiting M in Miami I'll have more to blog about.

Even though I'm going to Miami (apparently folks think this is a cool destination) we don't have much planned. I'm totally planning to just hang out with M, see The Other Boleyn Girl, read, sleep in and eat out. It's going to be fabulous. I can't wait to see him! M desperately needs a mental break from training and physical removal from his extended-stay hotel prison. I know the feeling, it sounds a lot like studying for the bar. The pressure is enormous and the training materials are [1] organized so poorly because it's a start up airline and they haven't yet created their own training program so they are relying on Airbus' and [2] translated from French. And not well. So it's been rough for him.

I've got us booked in a nice room in the Grove (Coconut Grove). I don't know what the hell is going on in Miami this weekend, but a hotel anywhere near the beach was outrageous and/or completely booked, even in North Miami Beach continuing all the way up to Fort Lauderdale (we're talking $500/night for the cheap rooms). So I opted for the Grove. It's like Burlingame but tropical. Cute restaurants, bars, boutique shops and rich people. But they hang in South Beach too (which I loathe), so I'm glad not to be in that scene. Plus it's supposed to be cooler than normal and a chance of scattered showers, so I think we'll be happy we opted for the nicer, somewhat-inland hotel rather than the sketchy beachfront hotel.

So, have a wonderful weekend here! I hear it's going to rain pretty good. But I don't feel sorry for y'all staying here at home for two reasons: [1] We've had awesome weather here the past few days, even in the City and [2] Over the gorgeous holiday weekend we had a couple weeks ago when you all were having romantic weekends with your SO's, I was flyin' solo (it was a total "couples getaway-post-Valentine's-day-long weekend" holiday.)

Cheers! Perhaps more from Miami.... or at least upon my return.

A new reason to shop

2008-02-22T22:32:00.000-08:00

Ever since I left the practice, I've become quite an infrequent shopper. I've even stopped (gasp) shopping in stores unless it's required! I pretty much do all of my clothes and shoe shopping online now. Until recently, I've had no reason to buy anything. I have everything I need and since we were in pay-off-debt mode, I really didn't have a reason to spend money.

Now I do. Getting fatter creates a whole new need of new clothes and it's not that bad! I forgot that I like to shop! Albeit, still online, but dude. Maternity clothes have gotten a whole lot cuter, that's fo sho.

Some of my favorite bargain spots: babycenter.org (they have great brands like Japanese Weekend and Olian for much less than the actual retailer), oldnavy.com (surprisingly cute and inexpensive) craigslist for designer jeans (hello! Paige, Citizens and Sevens used!). I just found out about this new thing, Maternity Xchange. I haven't been, but I am excited to checking it out! One of the big reasons is they speak my language, "Because You're Losing Your Waist, Not Your Taste!" That's right sister!

So ladies, fear not, you don't have to look like your mom when she was pregnant with you. Bonus for you: I will be the guinea pig this time around, and hopefully you'll see me fuller but not frumpier.

Happy shopping!

RANT WARNING ....I hate being micromanaged

2008-02-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

At least once per quarter my boss pisses me the fuck off. Today is that day. Despite my undeniably good performance in 2007, Boss still feels the need to stick it to me regarding some stupid-ass meeting regarding 2007 performance. (which by the way I've never had to do in person with my former boss, we did it over the phone.) Boss is a working parent so I know s/he is trying to make the schedule work for him/her and their family. I get that. But I'm trying to make mine work for me as well. So when Boss puts unreasonable demands on my time for nothing else than personal efficiency, it really chaps my ass.

I was told over email today that Boss is DEMANDING in-person meetings in the office next week between timeslot A and timeslot B. Of course I already have client appointments during 90% of the times that Boss has alotted (although s/he was careful to be out of the office by 2pm to get home for the kids, no doubt). I was trying to coordinate and see if we could meet in the middle on one of the remaining timeframes that works to make it work for both of us.

NOPE. Just like the control freak Boss is once per quarter, s/he DEMANDED that I be in the office at a particular time because of the "importance of this meeting." It's so important that Boss can't change his/her schedule at all, even though Boss rarely meets with clients personally (which is why I can't meet with Boss any other time). I have to adjust my schedule with clients to meet with Boss's schedule.

I'm fucking pissed. This is why I left firms. Because I hated my time being micromanaged by asshole partners in Big Law who felt that their time was more important than mine even though i was doing their client's work.

ARG.

Easy yummy dinner

2008-02-20T19:09:00.001-08:00

These days I am cooking for one, so I'm going for easy and fast (yet healthy and yummy). Sometimes a tough combo because I tend to be very lazy in the cooking department when M isn't around.

I found this little gem of a soup, so I thought I'd share. Highly recommend it. The ingredients are ones I always have on hand (as do most cooks regardless of your skill level) and it's super fast and yummy! I added chicken that I boiled with the pasta for a protein element (although the egg is protein as well):

Spinach & Egg-drop Pasta Soup

1/2 pound tubetti, ditali or other small pasta
2-3 quarts chicken stock
4-6 garlic cloves, thinly sliced
5 ounces baby spinach (basically 3-4 large handfuls)
Salt and freshly ground pepper
4 large eggs, beaten
1/2 cup freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese, plus more for serving
Extra-virgin olive oil and lemon wedges, for drizzling

Cook the pasta in a pot of boiling salted water until al dente. Drain well.

In a saucepan, bring the stock to a simmer with the garlic; simmer for 3 minutes. Add the pasta and spinach and cook over moderate heat until the spinach wilts. Season with salt and pepper. Gently stir in the eggs, breaking them into long strands. Gently simmer the soup until the eggs are just firm, about 1 minute. Stir in the 1/2 cup of cheese. Ladle the soup into bowls, drizzle with olive oil and serve, passing lemon wedges and more cheese on the side.

*I skipped the lemon wedges part, but I do think it'd be a great addition

Courtesy of:
http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/spinach-and-egg-drop-pasta-soup

Sorry... must.. toot.. own..horn

2008-02-20T16:46:00.000-08:00

I'm amazed at some information I've just learned today.. it's about me and my work, so it's not earth-shattering or even very important in the grand scheme of things. But....

Early last Fall the Company I work for announced an end-of-the-year incentive program. If you increase your numbers in Q4, you'd get a bonus. (small, but still extra cash). I didn't mean to make it. I didn't even try hard. I just did what I normally do. For some reason, I was very lucky and my territory blew the s**t out of the WATER in Q4. Not only did I meet the 2% increase they wanted... I increased my territory's sales numbers by 51% in Q4. In fact, from Oct-December my territory went from 119% of goal to 170% of goal. Damn. DUDE! I cannot believe that. Most folks were in/around the 2-14% range. In fact my closest competitor was at 4%. Wow.

When I looked at the little excel sheet they sent today, there is not a single person in my market area that came CLOSE to that. (although some poor person decreased their sales numbers by 26% in Q4.

I hate to brag and normally I would tell just M. But he's in sim and I barely get 5 mins a day to talk to him.... so I'm bragging to y'all. Sorry!

I hope you all had as fabulous a day as me. I had a presentation that went AWESOME and then got the good news that my teeny tiny bonus is FINALLY going to be here because of this nugget of info. So cheers! Have a great week!

Cutie pies

2008-02-18T22:06:00.000-08:00

Arvay's postings of Autumn and her bunnies have inspired me to post a couple of my favorite pics of my/our kitties--Sadie and Guinness.

Befitting of their personalities, they sleep together in the afternoons like yin and yang:

Have you ever seen anything so cute? They are hugging each other while they sleep. They always clean each other around nap time too. It's absolutely heartmelting :-)

Guinness, my evil genius is constantly getting into stuff. He's completely insane and for some inexplicable reason, he loves to lay in, on and around our clothes whether they're clean or dirty. He also loves to be under any sort of cover. He *thinks* he's hiding and that he's magically become invisible. It's so hilarious. Example? Here's Guinness sleeping in my camping overalls one afternoon:

And my sweet Sadie girl. She's exactly what a girl cat named Sadie should be like. A lover, a mama's girl and always innocently watching her brother get in trouble. She and Guinness normally sleep together in the afternoons, but this particular day she got the green bed to herself (which is a rarity in this house. Guinness is always where she is or where there is *any* action in the house). Here's my sweet Sadie pie:

Thanks for indulging me! These are my babies until Baby Dixon arrives. But make no mistake, they will still get tons of love!

Week 10: Making it over another hurdle!

2008-02-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

So, week 10 is now upon us and again I'm feeling really anxious. 2 weeks takes such a long time while at the same time going really fast. It's very wierd.

This week's appointment was another milestone because we would be able to hear the heartbeat this time. I use "we " liberally here though because sadly M could not be there. Since starting his new job, we've known that he would have to do simulator training on his new plane in Miami for a month. However we didn't know it would coincide with the 10 week appointment and that he'd have to miss hearing the heartbeat for the first time.

Luckily I have an amazing friend in BT and when I asked her to come with me to this 10-week appointment, she said "Of course. It'd be my honor." I know this is a strain on her because of her demanding job, her training and her committment to her husband. But I'm glad she could come because if anything (god forbid) went wrong like it did last time, I don't think I could handle it on my own.

So, on Friday Feb 15th, BT and I trekked on down to the dr's office. After about a gazillion medical history questions (Thanks BT for helping me remember whether I had specific vaccinations or not!) it was time for the gel and Doppler. Melissa, my Nurse Practitioner/Midwife, did her standard speech. I know now that it's standard because it's exactly what she said to me and M last time we tried to get a heartbeat. I mean, it was practically verbatim. So I was instantly filled with a sense of dread. Even though we saw the heartbeat 2 weeks ago.... I just couldn't be sure.

THANKFULLY Melissa found the heartbeat in less than a minute. And o mi god, what a sweet sound that was. BT came to my side and held my hand, tears in both our eyes. Even though my baby daddy couldn't be there, I was so grateful that BT was. Later, BT thanked me for letting her be there. After all, not often in one's life does a hospital visit result in a positive experience.

I immediately emailed M (who was in the sim at the time) the good news and called the 2 other people who knew about this baby. And now I'm feeling more confident in this baby's survival. And although nothing is guarantee, I wanted to tell my good friend at lunch that day. She was one of the few who knew I miscarried last time and was very supportive, so I thought that no matter what happens, I know she will be there for me. I'm itching to tell more people now, but I know that niether M nor I want to take any unnecessary risks right now. We're superstitious, suspicious and generally weary of spreading the news. At the same time, we both want to share our happiness! So it's a wierd place to be in. I find myself wanting to blog about this because, as you would expect, this is a huge thing in our lives right now! But at the same time, I can't go public for another 2 weeks.

So, I've decided to blog and save drafts until the second trimester is here. Which might help explain why I've had a bit of radio silence at times during the last month and why there's a flurry of blogs all at once in the beginning of March!

For ease of use for readers, all the pregnancy blogs are labeled, so if you're only interested in catching up on those (or not interested in reading them at all), you can just filter them.

Oh, here's an update on what Baby Dixon's size is like now:

As crazy as it seems with the baby's teeny size, it is able to swallow fluid and kick. Vital organs — including kidneys, intestines, brain, and liver— are in place and starting to function. The baby's limbs can bend now. The hands are flexed at the wrist and meet over the heart, and the feet may be long enough to meet in front of the body. From crown to rump, the baby is about 1 1/4 inches long. (Source: babycenter.org) Hopefully this doesn't gross anyone out, but it helps to get a better visual of what the baby might look like: