into two separate nouns/jobs. I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to "work" and be a "mom." For the past couple months, but even more so in the last 2 weeks, I've become bogged down by the stress of trying to gear up for my busiest work season, return from our psuedo-vacation, and be a mom/wife/house manager.
Really, I need a personal assistant/housecleaner/errand runner to help manage the Dixon household these days. If I could, I would pay this person a pretty penny.
OR, stay home myself.
Seriously, I never thought I would ever consider being a "stay at home mom," but these days--I'm feeling like that job and job title are not entirely fair. Admittedly, some stay at home moms get to shop, have nannies, housecleaners, car washers, errand runners and personal trainers. However, in my case that would mean I would continue to do all the stuff I already do (manage the household finances, grocery shop, cook, clean, fire up the troops for household cleaning, manage the pets, vacation/social scheduling, manage correspondence with family/friends/outside world and TRY to work out) and also add on the *huge* job of taking care of E. In return, I'd get to let go of my full-time work responsibilities (ahh, Calgon, take me away!!!) and feel better about doing a better job on both fronts. My (former) clients would get a rep who'd take as good (or better) care of them than I currently can and my son would get a mom who is actually present mentally, emotionally and physically when with him.
The biggest problem with this plan, as with all others that sound too good to be true, is that it is. We simply cannot afford for me not to work right now.
And so the struggle continues.....
Until then, we are conducting a MAJOR overhaul of the Dixon household--leaving no stone uncovered. Every nook, cranny, bill, duty, thought, to-do, expense item, income item, etc will be making its way into a spreadsheet for analysis on how to simplify our lives. There is simply not enough time for us to continue on with life status quo. For the time being, TV and the NY Times on weekends has been cut. What else must go... remains to be seen.
Advice solicited and welcome.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, new and experienced
Today I am celebrating my first mother's day. And yet it started off like every other day--waking to the sound of my son thumping his feet loudly against the mattress of his crib, eagerly awaiting the arrival of mommy or daddy to start his day. The smile on that kid's face when we change that first morning diaper is like he's celebrating every single day, which only reminds me even more that I am lucky and blessed to have him in my life and a husband who adores us both more than anything in the world.
It also gives me pause to think about how different my mornings are now from just one year ago. One year ago I was pregnant (of course) and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little boy. But I was also sleeping in, reading the Sunday Times, gently rubbing my belly thinking about how different our lives will be in a few months, etc. Never did I imagine how correct that assumption would be!
It's funny how the cliches are true:
- Motherhood is the best and most challenging job one may ever have--check!
- Despite all the hard times raising a human being from scratch, I'd never go back to my life without him--check!
And on.
Don't get me wrong--do I miss sleeping in? yup. Do I miss working out without watching the clock and thinking I should get back home? yup. Did I read BT's blog entry about her uber relaxing vacay in Anguilla and think "holy shit that sounds awesome..." but also "those kinds of vacay are a long way off for us"--yup.
But look at this face--i mean, come on!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
I know, I suck at updating
It has been much too long since my last post. But post-baby, return-to-work me hasnt found the time or will to dedicate to updating my blog. Obviously new motherhood is a good excuse, but not an entire pardon. More recently it's my participation in Facebook that had effectively ended my blogging.
While I'd like to promise that things will change, at the moment M and I are struggling with lack of time, too much stress, too much clutter, too much to do and generally too much of everything EXCEPT relaxation and are making a very concerted effort to reverse that trend. Getting sick every 3-4 weeks, constantly feeling behind on life/home/work, feeling like we can either be good parents OR be good employees but not both at the same time, etc is exhausting . . . so we are on the path to changing that.
Any new parents out there (both working full time) have suggestions? We'd like to have it all--fulfilling jobs, be wonderful, present, dedicated parents, travel, have a semblance of a social life and make progress on our financial goals..... but are really questioning whether that is possible? Are we delusional or simply overreaching?
While I'd like to promise that things will change, at the moment M and I are struggling with lack of time, too much stress, too much clutter, too much to do and generally too much of everything EXCEPT relaxation and are making a very concerted effort to reverse that trend. Getting sick every 3-4 weeks, constantly feeling behind on life/home/work, feeling like we can either be good parents OR be good employees but not both at the same time, etc is exhausting . . . so we are on the path to changing that.
Any new parents out there (both working full time) have suggestions? We'd like to have it all--fulfilling jobs, be wonderful, present, dedicated parents, travel, have a semblance of a social life and make progress on our financial goals..... but are really questioning whether that is possible? Are we delusional or simply overreaching?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Oh and one other to-do?
Yeah, and I forgot to mention the other big stressor in my life right now. We are moving in like 2 1/2 weeks and haven't got a thing packed. Yay!
The house (rental) kinda fell in our laps right before E's big coming out party (otherwise known as a party where E's parents get to drink wine and hang out with long lost friends) and we sealed the deal this morning. So we move in Dec 4th. But just to keep things lively, we are spending this coming weekend painting (it's a must-do, the kitchen cabinets and bathroom walls are *hideous*), the next weekend jamming in Thanksgiving and some much-needed packing and then moving day is here.
Granted, M and I have moved many times. That might be an understatement. 14 times in 8 years of marriage to be exact. But never have we done a move with an infant in tow. Should be interesting.
ps--For those who've emailed with concern, don't worry! We are only moving 4 blocks from our current location. :-) And the new house is much bigger, so our next shindig will be much more comfortable.
The house (rental) kinda fell in our laps right before E's big coming out party (otherwise known as a party where E's parents get to drink wine and hang out with long lost friends) and we sealed the deal this morning. So we move in Dec 4th. But just to keep things lively, we are spending this coming weekend painting (it's a must-do, the kitchen cabinets and bathroom walls are *hideous*), the next weekend jamming in Thanksgiving and some much-needed packing and then moving day is here.
Granted, M and I have moved many times. That might be an understatement. 14 times in 8 years of marriage to be exact. But never have we done a move with an infant in tow. Should be interesting.
ps--For those who've emailed with concern, don't worry! We are only moving 4 blocks from our current location. :-) And the new house is much bigger, so our next shindig will be much more comfortable.
Back to the grind . . . UGH!
Yikes. Has it already been almost 4 mos? Geez. Just 3 1/2 months ago I gave birth to a teeny tiny baby boy, 4 lbs 6 oz to be exact. And now he's tipping the scales at 12 lbs 11.8 oz, smiling at mom and dad (and pretty ladies), cooing and gaga'ing, practicing putting one foot in front of the other when daddy helps (we swear he'll walk early) and generally stealing our hearts on a daily basis.
And now, sadly, I have to go back to work! I know I said (in a recent post) that I was looking forward to going back to work. And in some ways, I am. But I am seriously bummed to miss the daily dose of E-love and cuteness that I'm currently get all day long. Sure, I'll get to see him every afternoon/evening and to be fair, my job allows me to work from home 2 days a week and be home at a very reasonable time the other 3 days. But still!!! (hear me whining here)
To be totally honest, the biggest reason I'm dreading going back to work is pure laziness. In the beginning, when E was first home from the NICU, every day was hard. It was difficult to even fathom getting out of the house with a shower, clothes that match and a well-fed baby. I never knew when he would freak out, I was *chained* to my breast pump and generally life outside babyville was non-existent. But now I have a great group of new moms to support me (and occassionally babysit), grandparents who would rather do nothing else but see their grandson, a pretty well-rested hubby and most importantly a *very* good baby who only really fusses when he wants to eat. I feel like we are dialed in on E's needs, wants, idiosyncracies, etc. And now that we've got it figured out (as much as one can), I have to go back to work. Now that I can actually work out (almost) every day, pay bills on time, get back to cooking real meals, keep a relatively decent house and finish very tardy to-do's (like thank yous!), I have to figure out how to do all that AND work full time.
So, yeah. yikes.
I do realize I should give up on the delusion that I can be the "do-it-all mom/wife/friend." But the A-type in me refuses to admit this might happen. Let's be real. I can't even update my blog AND keep up on Facecrack.
Here's to hoping!
And now, sadly, I have to go back to work! I know I said (in a recent post) that I was looking forward to going back to work. And in some ways, I am. But I am seriously bummed to miss the daily dose of E-love and cuteness that I'm currently get all day long. Sure, I'll get to see him every afternoon/evening and to be fair, my job allows me to work from home 2 days a week and be home at a very reasonable time the other 3 days. But still!!! (hear me whining here)
To be totally honest, the biggest reason I'm dreading going back to work is pure laziness. In the beginning, when E was first home from the NICU, every day was hard. It was difficult to even fathom getting out of the house with a shower, clothes that match and a well-fed baby. I never knew when he would freak out, I was *chained* to my breast pump and generally life outside babyville was non-existent. But now I have a great group of new moms to support me (and occassionally babysit), grandparents who would rather do nothing else but see their grandson, a pretty well-rested hubby and most importantly a *very* good baby who only really fusses when he wants to eat. I feel like we are dialed in on E's needs, wants, idiosyncracies, etc. And now that we've got it figured out (as much as one can), I have to go back to work. Now that I can actually work out (almost) every day, pay bills on time, get back to cooking real meals, keep a relatively decent house and finish very tardy to-do's (like thank yous!), I have to figure out how to do all that AND work full time.
So, yeah. yikes.
I do realize I should give up on the delusion that I can be the "do-it-all mom/wife/friend." But the A-type in me refuses to admit this might happen. Let's be real. I can't even update my blog AND keep up on Facecrack.
Here's to hoping!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
E's first vacation
I forgot to post a couple more recent pics! Here are a few from our recent trip with E to Oahu for a friend's wedding. He hated the sunglasses but they were necessary for the intense Hawaiian sun!
First dip in the ocean with Dad--he loved it! Fell asleep!
Freshly washed after a shower with Dad--he loves the water!
His latest stats--as far as I can tell, he's about 12 lbs now. His last official weight was 10lbs and change about a month ago. 21 inches. I'm going to go weigh him on Tuesday, so we'll see where he is. He's definitely bigger though, he's wearing clothes anywhere from 0-3 months and some 3-6 mos. Oddly, some of his Newborn size clothes still fit too. . . albeit a bit more tight.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Don't judge me, but . . .
One of the things that has kept me from blogging since having E has been the experiences I've had with the real world with baby in tow. On the positive side, people love seeing a new baby. They goo and gaa and love to comment on his cute spikey hair. (which is not styled by me, it just goes straight up! I've been asked more than once). People generally get out of my way and give me wide room to get through, hold doors open and are generally overaccomodating. In fact, an old lady actually insisted that she unload my cart at Costco onto the check out belt because I was wearing E in the Baby Bjorn! However, I've also found that people seem judgmental regarding the choices that every mom has to make. So, I'm going to just lay it all out there. . . please don't judge me.
[1] I give my baby formula. Yup! It's true. At least one time per day I have to give E a bottle of formula. Most of the time it's because I simply don't produce enough milk. But honestly, sometimes it's because he's being a major fuss monster and I can't stand another breastfeeding session where he's kicking me, screaming his head off and scratching my boobs (and nipples!) off. It is no fun for anyone and a bottle gets the job done as good as any boob. Even better in fact.
I've been puu-puu'd for giving my baby formula and ya know what? That's f'd up. What if I was a breast cancer survivor who had a double mastectomy that you didn't know about? Would you still judge me? And the fact of the matter is, I have a former preemie. It's a whole new ballgame raising a preemie. So unless you have miraculously transformed your own preemie from a bottle feeder (which all of them are in the NICU) to a 100% breastfeeder and have some fabulous tips to share, please keep the puu-puu'ing to yourself regarding how I feed my child.
And as R recently pointed out to me--many of us were bottle fed formula as babies and we turned out just fine. No worse for the wear. AND it's not like breast milk is 100% chemical and toxin free either. Ya know that diet coke you had at lunch? Your baby had some of that too next time you fed. So please don't judge me.
[2] I am looking forward to going back to work. Despite popular opinion, I need some time away from my little boy. And I shouldn't feel ashamed or bad about that. At the end of the day, I miss having adult conversations about something OTHER than feeding schedules, diapers, developmental changes, etc. While it's been *great* for me to have new moms to talk to about this stuff (because frankly no one else cares to hear about it and I don't blame them!), I need to talk about something else at least once a week, preferably once a day.
Most new moms I've talked to are dreading going back to work, saying that they are going to have *such* a hard time with it. I don't really feel that way. Maybe I will. But right now, I'm very much looking forward to getting out of the house every day with normal clothes on, makeup and a place I need to get to at a certain time. I'm looking forward to having lunch with friends in the City without having to worry about if E is fussing, when he last ate or if he's got a wet diaper. I'm looking forward to having a whole day using my brain and the $100,000 education we're still paying for. I'm looking forward to driving to client offices and being able to listen to music and not worry if it's drowning out my child's cries or if it's too loud for him.
Unlike some other new moms, I don't cry when I leave E to run errands, get a hair cut or have a night out with M. Don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! It's natural for a new mom to be attached to their new little baby. Of course! But I'm just not that kind of mom. I absolutely adore E and feel so blessed that he's in our lives now. But I had a life before him and there are parts of that life I am looking forward to reclaiming.
These are the things I don't feel super comfortable talking to some of my new mom friends about. I get the feeling that they don't feel the same way. Or at least no one is admitting that they do. And that's a shame.
It reminds me of the lack of discourse on miscarriage that I experienced just a year ago. It seems like it's something that many women experience, but for some reason no one talks about it. Why not? It seems to me that it would be good for moms to know that other moms are experiencing the same thing. It's not all peaches and roses and we shouldn't have to pretend that it is. Being a new mom is HARD and sometimes saying "oh, it's worth it," doesn't make you feel better. It's true, but it doesn't make those *really* difficult days any better.
Anyways, since I said I'd be blogging no holds barred, thought I should put this out there. And hopefully remind myself that I don't have to strive to be super mom-super wife- superwoman.
Hmph . . . food for thought.
[1] I give my baby formula. Yup! It's true. At least one time per day I have to give E a bottle of formula. Most of the time it's because I simply don't produce enough milk. But honestly, sometimes it's because he's being a major fuss monster and I can't stand another breastfeeding session where he's kicking me, screaming his head off and scratching my boobs (and nipples!) off. It is no fun for anyone and a bottle gets the job done as good as any boob. Even better in fact.
I've been puu-puu'd for giving my baby formula and ya know what? That's f'd up. What if I was a breast cancer survivor who had a double mastectomy that you didn't know about? Would you still judge me? And the fact of the matter is, I have a former preemie. It's a whole new ballgame raising a preemie. So unless you have miraculously transformed your own preemie from a bottle feeder (which all of them are in the NICU) to a 100% breastfeeder and have some fabulous tips to share, please keep the puu-puu'ing to yourself regarding how I feed my child.
And as R recently pointed out to me--many of us were bottle fed formula as babies and we turned out just fine. No worse for the wear. AND it's not like breast milk is 100% chemical and toxin free either. Ya know that diet coke you had at lunch? Your baby had some of that too next time you fed. So please don't judge me.
[2] I am looking forward to going back to work. Despite popular opinion, I need some time away from my little boy. And I shouldn't feel ashamed or bad about that. At the end of the day, I miss having adult conversations about something OTHER than feeding schedules, diapers, developmental changes, etc. While it's been *great* for me to have new moms to talk to about this stuff (because frankly no one else cares to hear about it and I don't blame them!), I need to talk about something else at least once a week, preferably once a day.
Most new moms I've talked to are dreading going back to work, saying that they are going to have *such* a hard time with it. I don't really feel that way. Maybe I will. But right now, I'm very much looking forward to getting out of the house every day with normal clothes on, makeup and a place I need to get to at a certain time. I'm looking forward to having lunch with friends in the City without having to worry about if E is fussing, when he last ate or if he's got a wet diaper. I'm looking forward to having a whole day using my brain and the $100,000 education we're still paying for. I'm looking forward to driving to client offices and being able to listen to music and not worry if it's drowning out my child's cries or if it's too loud for him.
Unlike some other new moms, I don't cry when I leave E to run errands, get a hair cut or have a night out with M. Don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! It's natural for a new mom to be attached to their new little baby. Of course! But I'm just not that kind of mom. I absolutely adore E and feel so blessed that he's in our lives now. But I had a life before him and there are parts of that life I am looking forward to reclaiming.
These are the things I don't feel super comfortable talking to some of my new mom friends about. I get the feeling that they don't feel the same way. Or at least no one is admitting that they do. And that's a shame.
It reminds me of the lack of discourse on miscarriage that I experienced just a year ago. It seems like it's something that many women experience, but for some reason no one talks about it. Why not? It seems to me that it would be good for moms to know that other moms are experiencing the same thing. It's not all peaches and roses and we shouldn't have to pretend that it is. Being a new mom is HARD and sometimes saying "oh, it's worth it," doesn't make you feel better. It's true, but it doesn't make those *really* difficult days any better.
Anyways, since I said I'd be blogging no holds barred, thought I should put this out there. And hopefully remind myself that I don't have to strive to be super mom-super wife- superwoman.
Hmph . . . food for thought.
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