My little oasis

I love love love having the sailboat in the Bay. It's really become my home away from home AND my little working mom's oasis. It's the one night a week when I am truly alone in a quiet place with no TV, lots of reading material and time to just... whatever. I've actually had some moments to think about future travel plans, catch up on the myriad of magazines and catalogs I never get to glance at when I'm at home and listen to water lapping on the sides of the boats while planes come in overhead. For the first time in awhile I have time to reflect, *post* and think. What an amazing concept.

The only small problem I've encountered is that since I never have time to just hang with my thoughts, I've got so many jumbled up, they seem to be fighting for my attention. One minute I'm thinking about being a better mom (while reading Parents mag usually) the next I'm thinking about making plans for the Fall and after that I'm thinking about where we should plan our travel in 2011 and beyond. I almost need a priority list of what I can think about before I think. Extreme? Maybe.

I've been thinking about how drastically things have changed for me since becoming a mom. The things, places and people I care about are definitely altered from times past. The things I'm willing to tolerate (or not) are certainly different. But the thing that strikes me the most at this moment is my awe at how other people spend their time. Now, when I read about someone doing something I'd never even consider spending time doing, I'm in awe that they have time for that. When I see someone engaging in activities I couldn't (or wouldn't) dream of doing these days, I wonder "how do they have time for that?"

Not in a judgmental way (well . . ok, sometimes) and not completely without envy (I haven't read the Sunday Times in forever!) but certainly not in a forlorn, longing way. I would never give up the time I have with E and M for any of the things I've previously spent time on or people I've spent time with. And only sometimes do I wish there were more hours in the day so I could do some of those things.

But now, I just find ways to do the things I truly care about and see the people I love most dearly in more creative ways. And I think that's the balance we have to aim for as working moms. At least this working mom.

hmm . . . I'm in awe that I even had the time and ability to follow one thought through to completion. :-)

Balance is returning, slowly

Obviously I've broken my 'once a month' rule in posting. Haven't posted since we moved in! But it has been an INSANE few months. Since the end of March we have: bought a house, moved, bought a new car, bought a sailboat (our home in the Bay), transitioned to life in Rocklin, celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and are about to celebrate E's second birthday (gulp!). The move, the commuting, the couch-surfing in the Bay while we looked for a permanent/short-stay option in the Bay, the kid, the craziness, working and life in general has taken every ounce of my energy, sanity and time since the end of March. BUT, and that's a big BUT, the tide is finally turning!

It certainly has not been all bad--not in the least. We've had the best summer--the one I always wanted for E: watermelon and cherries on a hot summer day, corn and BBQ dinners, weekends at the pool, hangin' with our neighbors on the court, the ice cream man driving onto our court at the end of a 100+ degree day, the BEST 4th of July party and lots of pinching ourselves to believe it's all come true.

After we bought the boat, I really felt like 'this is it!' We truly are living our dreams (as corny as that sounds). M and I are still going strong, we have a beautiful son who amazes us every single day, awesome grandparents, wonderful friends, the home we always wanted and now the sailboat that Ryan never dreamed we'd get before he turned 40. We get to enjoy our life in the Bay when we want to, but live in a town that allows E to have the childhood we *always* wanted him to have--one like ours. With nature close by, bike rides, parks, pool time, soccer, grandma and grandpa.

In short, we really feel like we can't ask for anything more. I haven't felt this elated or in love with my life since we got married. No more saying "I cant wait 'til _____ (fill in the blank)" And I finally feel like I have more balance in my life. Time for working out regularly is coming back slowly, time to spend with my husband and E is more consistent, time to talk and visit with friends and most importantly time to just BE. I'm actually reading again!

Being a working mom is never easy, it is certainly the most challenging and humbling experience in life (IMHO), but as cliche as it is, it's also hands-down the most rewarding. I can't stop hugging and kissing my kid. He drives me bonkers sometimes (at least 100 times a day) but I have never loved anyone like this. I'm not sure it's possible.

So, cheers to all of that! And here's to hoping balance finds a more permanent place in my life. :-)

Icing on the cake

The universe has decided to pile it on... so I find myself trying to dig out of the rubble with just a "reasonable" amount of stress-related issues.

Last night E came down with a case of pink eye. POOR BABY BOY! So, in addition to being out of daycare for a regular cold Wed/Thurs (grandma did Wed, M called in sick Thurs to take care of E), he now also has pink eye. RAD. He officially can't go to any daycare (gym or regular) for 3 days after he starts the eye drops. He's miserable, tired, cranky and I feel awful whenever I look at his little red eyes (tearing all the time) and little fists rubbing those itchy eyes and hear him screaming while I try to work downstairs. :-( aww, my poor baby. :-(

Then . . .

Upper management decided to crank up the pressure in a BIG way at the end of Q1 and now Q2 looks like it'll be equally stressful for several reasons [1] the uppity ups are "eyes on" and watching everything we do to make sure we are performing and [2] my bay area team is literally crumbling, so I and 1 other colleague will be left holding the bag for all of our 4 combined territories until at least August/September the way things are going. RAD. The thing that blows the most is that I'm literally the only one meeting (and exceeding) quota for 2010 so far and even though I realize equity dictates that everyone must receive the same message, I really don't appreciate (or feel appreciated) that my manager and her managers are treating me (and everyone else) like we're a bunch of slackers. Makes me really question whether keeping this position after we move is a good decision or not. Especially after I got my teeny tiny raise (no raise last year, keep in mind) which equals roughly $50 per paycheck before taxes. Um, YEA. RAD.

Unfortunately there's nothing I can do about the latter except what is asked of me (I gotta pay my new mortgage) and the former will resolve over the next few days. But I sure do hope I get good news on the position I've been vying for over a month now. (fingers crossed!!)

Last night when I went to pick up E's eye drops I also grabbed a new bottle of antacids (for me) and a new bottle of pepto (for M) and when I reviewed the contents of my bag on the way out, I thought, "hm... clearly we are a little stressed right now."

I must say this--thank GAWD for awesome grandparents who answered the cry for help and drove down today to help. Between reports, con-calls, manager calls/fire-drill emails, the movers' in-home estimate, E's pink eye & cold, crankiness and general unhappiness, and the massive pressure I've got at work, I really don't know what we'd do without them today. I literally called last night and said "mom, we need you guys!" and just like Roto-Rooter, they came on down.

Thanks universe. While you're royally screwing me at the moment, at least I'm able to fight back with a posse of support!

99 bottles of beer on the wall....

That's what I feel like these days. Each beer represents the number, and perhaps its exponent, of things left to do in the 18 days (thanks for the reminder BT's lil sis!) left before we move in. Actually 17 since we're moving in the day before C's wedding. Yesterday I felt pretty good with the progress we've made--I packed all the non-essentials in the kitchen, family room and dining room. M has agreed to take on E's closet (which he shares). I'll tackle the hall closets, bathroom and my office this week before we head back up to Rocklin for yet another meeting. (fingers crossed). And thanks to his tenacious efforts, M has secured our new homeowners insurance provider and taken care of many of the new utility set ups and we have an appointment to tour a new daycare next Monday. But still, lots of to-do's remain and I often wonder how we'll get it all done in 17 days. REALLY.

We were so worried about it last weekend that we decided to hit up our local winery one last time before the move--Picchetti. Picked up 2 overdue shipments, drank one bottle and met 2 other amazing couples (with kids E's age) in the process. Overall a great Saturday afternoon.

We were so stressed again that we took Sunday off to attend a baby shower (me) while M and E hit the kids' Science Museum in San-Jo.... then hit an Oscar party in the City that night. (it doesn't matter than we haven't seen a single film that was nominated).

Then, we decided 'screw it! We're going ahead with our planned date night!' last night. And I don't regret a single moment (except perhaps overindulging in the food and wine). We enjoyed each other's company as partners in life, love and marriage, and not just as co-parents, at the lovely and amazing Evvia. Probably our last dinner there for awhile too.

Ultimately it'll all get done. In the meantime, we want to savor our last few weeks in the Bay Area. There will be much to miss. But I'm so effin' excited about our new life in Rocklin I'm having a hard time being sad. I can't tell you how excited I am to have my own bathroom sink. And a dishwasher. And a backyard ALL to ourselves. And a GARAGE! (3-car garage at that!). And free babysitting for those much-needed date nights.

Now, back to those bottles of beer on the wall . . .

Scatter brained

I have way too many things going on upstairs and I've been finding myself awake at 3am because of them....things I'd like to accomplish, things that *must* get done and things I'm hoping happen (at my excited urging of course). The problem is pushing the "wants" off to the side so the "musts" can be executed successfully and leaving the "hopes" to themselves now that they are in the hands of others. Of course saying as much is much easier than doing so. But the key priorities now are getting the move organized, do my paying job to the best of my ability, do my best in my mothering job and put at least some meaningful effort towards my wife job. Needless to say, I'm feeling stretched on all fronts. And it's more fun to plan some of the wants (10 year wedding anniversary fun!) than the needs (finding a new daycare in Rocklin).

Not much else exciting to report... except that we are hugely excited to move into our new home!! Seeing the progress has been really fun and going to see the house in person this weekend is going to be awesome.

Back to my paying job . . .

Writing again

I always forget how therapeutic writing is for me until I start doing it again. It all started on the plane rides back and forth to Oklahoma--thinking about my grandma before she died and what I'd like to say at her funeral afterwards. But then I filled up my old journal (it was almost done anyways), so I bought a beautiful new journal. Nothin' like a new journal to motivate me to write!

And see, now that I'm writing there again, I'm writing here more too.

Not that I have much interesting to share--E has his first ear infection--poor little guy. I took 2 days off work to stay home with him. Which, coincidentally, worked out because I've been sick all week and the weather has sucked like no other. So, walking around from firm to firm sounded awful. Staying home with my sick almost 1 1/2 year old actually sounded better. And it was in more ways than one. First, I knew he was getting the best care possible with his parent(s). And two, I learned that maybe I could do the stay-at-home job. I've always doubted my ability to be a stay-at-home mom because every time I've tried to stay home with him, it's so damn hard. He wants constant attention, to play non-stop (except when he's sleeping) and gets pissed pretty easily when he's not being paid any attention. (like most toddlers) But what I've discovered is that when I'm not trying to do my paid job at the same time, it's *so* much better. Huh. So maybe I could do it.

Except for the fact that I actually like working. And I'm really excited about the new job that I just interviewed for. But at least I know that if I had to, I could stay home with him for awhile. Although I'm not entirely sure how long for. The difference this week was that I did have my paid job to go back to. Hm.

Anyways, making time for writing necessarily means that other past times get less time. And that's ok too. It's a good adjustment to make and for the betterment of all involved.

Happy Friday! Here's to hoping this nasty cough goes away so I enjoy Frivolo this weekend!