Don't judge me, but . . .

One of the things that has kept me from blogging since having E has been the experiences I've had with the real world with baby in tow. On the positive side, people love seeing a new baby. They goo and gaa and love to comment on his cute spikey hair. (which is not styled by me, it just goes straight up! I've been asked more than once). People generally get out of my way and give me wide room to get through, hold doors open and are generally overaccomodating. In fact, an old lady actually insisted that she unload my cart at Costco onto the check out belt because I was wearing E in the Baby Bjorn! However, I've also found that people seem judgmental regarding the choices that every mom has to make. So, I'm going to just lay it all out there. . . please don't judge me.

[1] I give my baby formula. Yup! It's true. At least one time per day I have to give E a bottle of formula. Most of the time it's because I simply don't produce enough milk. But honestly, sometimes it's because he's being a major fuss monster and I can't stand another breastfeeding session where he's kicking me, screaming his head off and scratching my boobs (and nipples!) off. It is no fun for anyone and a bottle gets the job done as good as any boob. Even better in fact.

I've been puu-puu'd for giving my baby formula and ya know what? That's f'd up. What if I was a breast cancer survivor who had a double mastectomy that you didn't know about? Would you still judge me? And the fact of the matter is, I have a former preemie. It's a whole new ballgame raising a preemie. So unless you have miraculously transformed your own preemie from a bottle feeder (which all of them are in the NICU) to a 100% breastfeeder and have some fabulous tips to share, please keep the puu-puu'ing to yourself regarding how I feed my child.

And as R recently pointed out to me--many of us were bottle fed formula as babies and we turned out just fine. No worse for the wear. AND it's not like breast milk is 100% chemical and toxin free either. Ya know that diet coke you had at lunch? Your baby had some of that too next time you fed. So please don't judge me.

[2] I am looking forward to going back to work. Despite popular opinion, I need some time away from my little boy. And I shouldn't feel ashamed or bad about that. At the end of the day, I miss having adult conversations about something OTHER than feeding schedules, diapers, developmental changes, etc. While it's been *great* for me to have new moms to talk to about this stuff (because frankly no one else cares to hear about it and I don't blame them!), I need to talk about something else at least once a week, preferably once a day.

Most new moms I've talked to are dreading going back to work, saying that they are going to have *such* a hard time with it. I don't really feel that way. Maybe I will. But right now, I'm very much looking forward to getting out of the house every day with normal clothes on, makeup and a place I need to get to at a certain time. I'm looking forward to having lunch with friends in the City without having to worry about if E is fussing, when he last ate or if he's got a wet diaper. I'm looking forward to having a whole day using my brain and the $100,000 education we're still paying for. I'm looking forward to driving to client offices and being able to listen to music and not worry if it's drowning out my child's cries or if it's too loud for him.

Unlike some other new moms, I don't cry when I leave E to run errands, get a hair cut or have a night out with M. Don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! It's natural for a new mom to be attached to their new little baby. Of course! But I'm just not that kind of mom. I absolutely adore E and feel so blessed that he's in our lives now. But I had a life before him and there are parts of that life I am looking forward to reclaiming.

These are the things I don't feel super comfortable talking to some of my new mom friends about. I get the feeling that they don't feel the same way. Or at least no one is admitting that they do. And that's a shame.

It reminds me of the lack of discourse on miscarriage that I experienced just a year ago. It seems like it's something that many women experience, but for some reason no one talks about it. Why not? It seems to me that it would be good for moms to know that other moms are experiencing the same thing. It's not all peaches and roses and we shouldn't have to pretend that it is. Being a new mom is HARD and sometimes saying "oh, it's worth it," doesn't make you feel better. It's true, but it doesn't make those *really* difficult days any better.

Anyways, since I said I'd be blogging no holds barred, thought I should put this out there. And hopefully remind myself that I don't have to strive to be super mom-super wife- superwoman.

Hmph . . . food for thought.