My little oasis

I love love love having the sailboat in the Bay. It's really become my home away from home AND my little working mom's oasis. It's the one night a week when I am truly alone in a quiet place with no TV, lots of reading material and time to just... whatever. I've actually had some moments to think about future travel plans, catch up on the myriad of magazines and catalogs I never get to glance at when I'm at home and listen to water lapping on the sides of the boats while planes come in overhead. For the first time in awhile I have time to reflect, *post* and think. What an amazing concept.

The only small problem I've encountered is that since I never have time to just hang with my thoughts, I've got so many jumbled up, they seem to be fighting for my attention. One minute I'm thinking about being a better mom (while reading Parents mag usually) the next I'm thinking about making plans for the Fall and after that I'm thinking about where we should plan our travel in 2011 and beyond. I almost need a priority list of what I can think about before I think. Extreme? Maybe.

I've been thinking about how drastically things have changed for me since becoming a mom. The things, places and people I care about are definitely altered from times past. The things I'm willing to tolerate (or not) are certainly different. But the thing that strikes me the most at this moment is my awe at how other people spend their time. Now, when I read about someone doing something I'd never even consider spending time doing, I'm in awe that they have time for that. When I see someone engaging in activities I couldn't (or wouldn't) dream of doing these days, I wonder "how do they have time for that?"

Not in a judgmental way (well . . ok, sometimes) and not completely without envy (I haven't read the Sunday Times in forever!) but certainly not in a forlorn, longing way. I would never give up the time I have with E and M for any of the things I've previously spent time on or people I've spent time with. And only sometimes do I wish there were more hours in the day so I could do some of those things.

But now, I just find ways to do the things I truly care about and see the people I love most dearly in more creative ways. And I think that's the balance we have to aim for as working moms. At least this working mom.

hmm . . . I'm in awe that I even had the time and ability to follow one thought through to completion. :-)

Nothing to report, wee!

August has become one of my favorite times at work. The summer associates are recently departed, the partners are on vacation with their kids before school starts up again and the associates are out playing (or hiding) if they can. Which means things *seriously* slow down for me. And after the madness this summer both at work and home, it's quite a welcome change. And bonus, my boss is on vacation as well! So no 1:1 calls, no team calls, etc. Even though I know it won't last, I am savoring this temporary quietness in the office.

I've actually been tempted to take my laptop up to the clubhouse/pool and "work" from there :-) Haven't gotten that far yet though.

Other than that, not too much to report. We enjoyed a fabulously busy (but good) weekend celebrating E's 2nd birthday with friends and family, hosted our first overnight guests from the Bay with their new little one, N, and then enjoyed a quiet Monday at home with just a few emails in/out. Since Monday felt like Sunday, I'm hoping it will feel like a shorter work week, which is always a good thing. And with M's improved schedule, we'll be able to enjoy the weekend both at home and on the boat in the Bay.

So, here's to a good week to all and an even better weekend coming up!

ps--Almost done with Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest--the final book in Stieg Larsson's trilogy... woot!

Balance is returning, slowly

Obviously I've broken my 'once a month' rule in posting. Haven't posted since we moved in! But it has been an INSANE few months. Since the end of March we have: bought a house, moved, bought a new car, bought a sailboat (our home in the Bay), transitioned to life in Rocklin, celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and are about to celebrate E's second birthday (gulp!). The move, the commuting, the couch-surfing in the Bay while we looked for a permanent/short-stay option in the Bay, the kid, the craziness, working and life in general has taken every ounce of my energy, sanity and time since the end of March. BUT, and that's a big BUT, the tide is finally turning!

It certainly has not been all bad--not in the least. We've had the best summer--the one I always wanted for E: watermelon and cherries on a hot summer day, corn and BBQ dinners, weekends at the pool, hangin' with our neighbors on the court, the ice cream man driving onto our court at the end of a 100+ degree day, the BEST 4th of July party and lots of pinching ourselves to believe it's all come true.

After we bought the boat, I really felt like 'this is it!' We truly are living our dreams (as corny as that sounds). M and I are still going strong, we have a beautiful son who amazes us every single day, awesome grandparents, wonderful friends, the home we always wanted and now the sailboat that Ryan never dreamed we'd get before he turned 40. We get to enjoy our life in the Bay when we want to, but live in a town that allows E to have the childhood we *always* wanted him to have--one like ours. With nature close by, bike rides, parks, pool time, soccer, grandma and grandpa.

In short, we really feel like we can't ask for anything more. I haven't felt this elated or in love with my life since we got married. No more saying "I cant wait 'til _____ (fill in the blank)" And I finally feel like I have more balance in my life. Time for working out regularly is coming back slowly, time to spend with my husband and E is more consistent, time to talk and visit with friends and most importantly time to just BE. I'm actually reading again!

Being a working mom is never easy, it is certainly the most challenging and humbling experience in life (IMHO), but as cliche as it is, it's also hands-down the most rewarding. I can't stop hugging and kissing my kid. He drives me bonkers sometimes (at least 100 times a day) but I have never loved anyone like this. I'm not sure it's possible.

So, cheers to all of that! And here's to hoping balance finds a more permanent place in my life. :-)

Tick tock

The countdown is really on now. 4 more days until we move into our new house. Really?! O mi god. But thankfully the packing is well under control, utilities and junk are mostly moved/canceled/set up, the emergency Sears run for a fridge and washing machine is taken care of. Come to mama you gorgeous stainless steel, French door, bottom freezer lovely! (How could I not have noticed in all the docs and walk-throughs that a fridge is not included?! Hello!)

In 5 more days, I'll never have to spend another night in this god forsaken house. I'll never have to hear the "clink" from weirdo-behind-our-house's chain link fence and dread that he'll be walking by my kitchen window and peering in to see if we're in here. M will never have to drag his (as well as our) trash cans out to the curb. In 5 days I'll never have to look at my dumb landlord ever again, worry that he'll drive up and want to wash his Porsche in my driveway, or worry that psycho-behind-us will come out of his rat hole while E and I are playing in the yard. All of that will be OVER! FOREVER!!!

And yes, while the commute down to the Bay for 2 days per week will royally suck, it will pass. I will get a new job and/or make it work in another way.

This past weekend we enjoyed the lovely Saturday with our closest mom/dad/kid friends at a BBQ in our honor. The host presented us with a handmade scrapbook she made of all of the memories with us and the kids and each mom wrote a personal message within. I cried when I read it. It does make me sad that we won't be here daily with the special people in our lives here. But my excitement at having a place to call home, really home, is overwhelming. E will now have a place he *belongs* and will remember all throughout his childhood. We are now able to give him everything we wanted--a safe home, good schools, a great neighborhood filled with families like ours, and hopefully, LOADS of memories.

So, while the *extreme* stress of closing on the house, inspections, escrow, blah blah blah and packing everything up, while at the same time trying to do our full time jobs as well as we can AND take care of our favorite toddler, has been . . . taxing, to say the least, it will all most definitely be WORTH it when we get into our new home THIS SATURDAY!

YAY!!

Icing on the cake

The universe has decided to pile it on... so I find myself trying to dig out of the rubble with just a "reasonable" amount of stress-related issues.

Last night E came down with a case of pink eye. POOR BABY BOY! So, in addition to being out of daycare for a regular cold Wed/Thurs (grandma did Wed, M called in sick Thurs to take care of E), he now also has pink eye. RAD. He officially can't go to any daycare (gym or regular) for 3 days after he starts the eye drops. He's miserable, tired, cranky and I feel awful whenever I look at his little red eyes (tearing all the time) and little fists rubbing those itchy eyes and hear him screaming while I try to work downstairs. :-( aww, my poor baby. :-(

Then . . .

Upper management decided to crank up the pressure in a BIG way at the end of Q1 and now Q2 looks like it'll be equally stressful for several reasons [1] the uppity ups are "eyes on" and watching everything we do to make sure we are performing and [2] my bay area team is literally crumbling, so I and 1 other colleague will be left holding the bag for all of our 4 combined territories until at least August/September the way things are going. RAD. The thing that blows the most is that I'm literally the only one meeting (and exceeding) quota for 2010 so far and even though I realize equity dictates that everyone must receive the same message, I really don't appreciate (or feel appreciated) that my manager and her managers are treating me (and everyone else) like we're a bunch of slackers. Makes me really question whether keeping this position after we move is a good decision or not. Especially after I got my teeny tiny raise (no raise last year, keep in mind) which equals roughly $50 per paycheck before taxes. Um, YEA. RAD.

Unfortunately there's nothing I can do about the latter except what is asked of me (I gotta pay my new mortgage) and the former will resolve over the next few days. But I sure do hope I get good news on the position I've been vying for over a month now. (fingers crossed!!)

Last night when I went to pick up E's eye drops I also grabbed a new bottle of antacids (for me) and a new bottle of pepto (for M) and when I reviewed the contents of my bag on the way out, I thought, "hm... clearly we are a little stressed right now."

I must say this--thank GAWD for awesome grandparents who answered the cry for help and drove down today to help. Between reports, con-calls, manager calls/fire-drill emails, the movers' in-home estimate, E's pink eye & cold, crankiness and general unhappiness, and the massive pressure I've got at work, I really don't know what we'd do without them today. I literally called last night and said "mom, we need you guys!" and just like Roto-Rooter, they came on down.

Thanks universe. While you're royally screwing me at the moment, at least I'm able to fight back with a posse of support!

99 bottles of beer on the wall....

That's what I feel like these days. Each beer represents the number, and perhaps its exponent, of things left to do in the 18 days (thanks for the reminder BT's lil sis!) left before we move in. Actually 17 since we're moving in the day before C's wedding. Yesterday I felt pretty good with the progress we've made--I packed all the non-essentials in the kitchen, family room and dining room. M has agreed to take on E's closet (which he shares). I'll tackle the hall closets, bathroom and my office this week before we head back up to Rocklin for yet another meeting. (fingers crossed). And thanks to his tenacious efforts, M has secured our new homeowners insurance provider and taken care of many of the new utility set ups and we have an appointment to tour a new daycare next Monday. But still, lots of to-do's remain and I often wonder how we'll get it all done in 17 days. REALLY.

We were so worried about it last weekend that we decided to hit up our local winery one last time before the move--Picchetti. Picked up 2 overdue shipments, drank one bottle and met 2 other amazing couples (with kids E's age) in the process. Overall a great Saturday afternoon.

We were so stressed again that we took Sunday off to attend a baby shower (me) while M and E hit the kids' Science Museum in San-Jo.... then hit an Oscar party in the City that night. (it doesn't matter than we haven't seen a single film that was nominated).

Then, we decided 'screw it! We're going ahead with our planned date night!' last night. And I don't regret a single moment (except perhaps overindulging in the food and wine). We enjoyed each other's company as partners in life, love and marriage, and not just as co-parents, at the lovely and amazing Evvia. Probably our last dinner there for awhile too.

Ultimately it'll all get done. In the meantime, we want to savor our last few weeks in the Bay Area. There will be much to miss. But I'm so effin' excited about our new life in Rocklin I'm having a hard time being sad. I can't tell you how excited I am to have my own bathroom sink. And a dishwasher. And a backyard ALL to ourselves. And a GARAGE! (3-car garage at that!). And free babysitting for those much-needed date nights.

Now, back to those bottles of beer on the wall . . .

Scatter brained

I have way too many things going on upstairs and I've been finding myself awake at 3am because of them....things I'd like to accomplish, things that *must* get done and things I'm hoping happen (at my excited urging of course). The problem is pushing the "wants" off to the side so the "musts" can be executed successfully and leaving the "hopes" to themselves now that they are in the hands of others. Of course saying as much is much easier than doing so. But the key priorities now are getting the move organized, do my paying job to the best of my ability, do my best in my mothering job and put at least some meaningful effort towards my wife job. Needless to say, I'm feeling stretched on all fronts. And it's more fun to plan some of the wants (10 year wedding anniversary fun!) than the needs (finding a new daycare in Rocklin).

Not much else exciting to report... except that we are hugely excited to move into our new home!! Seeing the progress has been really fun and going to see the house in person this weekend is going to be awesome.

Back to my paying job . . .

Writing again

I always forget how therapeutic writing is for me until I start doing it again. It all started on the plane rides back and forth to Oklahoma--thinking about my grandma before she died and what I'd like to say at her funeral afterwards. But then I filled up my old journal (it was almost done anyways), so I bought a beautiful new journal. Nothin' like a new journal to motivate me to write!

And see, now that I'm writing there again, I'm writing here more too.

Not that I have much interesting to share--E has his first ear infection--poor little guy. I took 2 days off work to stay home with him. Which, coincidentally, worked out because I've been sick all week and the weather has sucked like no other. So, walking around from firm to firm sounded awful. Staying home with my sick almost 1 1/2 year old actually sounded better. And it was in more ways than one. First, I knew he was getting the best care possible with his parent(s). And two, I learned that maybe I could do the stay-at-home job. I've always doubted my ability to be a stay-at-home mom because every time I've tried to stay home with him, it's so damn hard. He wants constant attention, to play non-stop (except when he's sleeping) and gets pissed pretty easily when he's not being paid any attention. (like most toddlers) But what I've discovered is that when I'm not trying to do my paid job at the same time, it's *so* much better. Huh. So maybe I could do it.

Except for the fact that I actually like working. And I'm really excited about the new job that I just interviewed for. But at least I know that if I had to, I could stay home with him for awhile. Although I'm not entirely sure how long for. The difference this week was that I did have my paid job to go back to. Hm.

Anyways, making time for writing necessarily means that other past times get less time. And that's ok too. It's a good adjustment to make and for the betterment of all involved.

Happy Friday! Here's to hoping this nasty cough goes away so I enjoy Frivolo this weekend!

I'm ready for a staycation

It's been an absolutely exhausting 10 days. Of the last 10 days, I've spent 7 in Oklahoma and/or on planes between California and Oklahoma. My first visit was to see my grandmother before she passed. Not more than 20 hours after I left her bedside, she died, on Monday, January 11th. Just 6 weeks shy of her 98th birthday. So, I packed up, organized travel and bundled up my boys and headed back to Oklahoma on Thursday for the funeral services over the weekend.

The day of the funeral was the most sad, emotionally exhausting, yet celebratory and fun day that weekend. My cousin had the entire family over after the post-cemetery dinner and after many hugs and tears, the alcohol flowed. Let's just say we all like our drinks.

Despite the gloomy feeling of the weekend, the one bright spot was seeing my son enjoy all of his cousins and second cousins. We don't have any young kids in our family in California and now with a little one, I desperately wish we did. It's so fun! and easy! You just dump the kids in the family room or outside with each other and fun ensues. They come in when they're dirty, hungry or tired and we feed them, bath them and get them ready for bed. And bam, you're done for the night. Easiest parenting experience ever!

And even though the kids outnumbered us, it seemed like we never had to worry about them. The older ones took care of the younger ones, the younger ones screamed when something was really wrong and at least one responsible adult was always available to pick up the pieces.

I'm entertaining the thought of buying a little abode out there so we can spend more time with the family as E gets older. We both really want him to experience the closeness of family and know who these people are. It saddens me enough that he wont know my grandmother--a woman who influenced everyone in our family--and I don't want him to be the lost cousin way out in California.

Anyways--after 6,000 miles back and forth, 4 layovers in Denver, 1 lost (and recovered) bag, hours in the car driving between family homes and now one minor cold (for me and E)---we are HOME. FOR GOOD. As much as I'd like a vacation, I cant fathom getting on another airplane for a long time (except for work in a couple weeks). Not because of E--he did fabulous this time! We bought him his own seat and plunked him down in the car seat--which made him comfortable and happy. And bonus--due to all the travel we endured in 2009, I got a fabulous bump up to Premier status, which made the travel experience so much better (premier security line, earlier online check in, automatic economy plus, free bag checks, etc). But it's more the upheaval of life and the chaos when we return home that I'm done with. So, yeah, I'm ready for a staycation.

Time, I've finally found you!

I am more than pathetic in posting. Wow. Well, maybe not entirely. I do subscribe to a once a month rule and it's coming up on just a month... Anyways.

Things are . . . meh plus. What do I mean? Well, my oldest grandmother is dying. I mean, like in a matter of days or maybe hours. I am currently in transit back from Oklahoma, a state I was in for a less than 30 hours, and already know that I will be back on a plane no later than the end of the week for her funeral. So . . that stinks but at the same time is the best possible thing for my Grandma. And I've had lots of time on planes to prepare myself, gather my thoughts and while I was there, spend quality time with her and say goodbye. That's the meh.

Flash back 2 weeks ago and 2010 was looking like it was getting off to a fabulous start. We had 2 houses we were about to make an offer on. Then house #1's agent told us they were firm on the price (even though all comps indicated he was asking $25K too much), plus the loan we have doesn't allow us to put any offers on houses that are flips (the 90-day rule). So we can't put an offer on that baby till February. We're adopting a "if you love it set it free" mentality and hope that in February it's still available and the seller comes to his senses about the price. Not looking good on either front. Then house #2 accepted an offer it had pending (but for some ridiculous reason allowed us to see the house, claiming they were taking "backup" offers--no such thing exists, but whatever). So we're back to square one, but at least we know there are houses out there that we love and are looking forward to making our own in 2010. The other plus: M's Captain upgrade should now be on the fast track--his company just got word that the final legal hurdle has been cleared. Finally, my search for a new job is also going very well.

Then Grandma had a massive stroke.

So, here I sit, waiting for my flight in Denver, pretty well caught up on work, and finally with time to post. Hello time! I actually scored a bit more since I volunteered to give up my seat for a free flight (since I'm going back to Oklahoma in the very near future). So, back to uploading pics from the holidays... another item off my to-do list.

I hope your 2010 brings lots of joy and less sadness . . .

True to form

I must have some wierd timer that tells me it's been a month since my last post because here it is, 29 days since my last post and I was compelled to sign on again.

Anyways, Japan is under our belt now and MAN was that a trip. On so many levels. Flight transportation there and back was the roughest 24 hours of my life. Then throw in a 2 hour bus ride to meet my parents & brother at the Ikebukuro train station, then another 30 minutes on the train (and one missed stop and backtrack later), then a 10 minute cab ride to my Grandma's house. Needless to say, E was D-O-N-E as were M and I. It's not entirely surprising how difficult air travel was with him. What can one expect? He's a complete energy ball being forced to confinement for close to 15 hours. It SUCKED like no other. And it's not an experience I am ready to try again for at least 6-9 months. Let it be known that M and I will *not* be taking E on another flight of any kind for at least . . . ok. . . 3 months. But we are definitely not taking him on a long flight until he's . . . 2. Maybe.

The hardest part about travelling is coming home because we royally screwed up E's sleep schedule which means we are going to pay in equal parts. E doesnt sleep, we dont sleep. It's not that we don't want to or are soft and go to him every time he whimpers. He screams in the middle of the night so that one *cannot* possibly sleep. So that took about 1 week to recover from and now, 13 days after returning, he is completely back on his little schedule. And we are all better humans for that.

In other news, today is a good day because I have been reminded of all the people in my life that really care about me. Who hates that?! And I'm also super lucky to have an amazing husband who, despite his innate abilities, tries hard to give me a good birthday. This year, unfortunately, he has to work and since I had to fly home from work at midnight, we didn't see each other and won't until tomorrow. Then M has knee surgery on Thursday. So, my birthday this year won't really be a big celebration (not like it ever is, given it's cursed timing), but it's understandable. At the very least, I'm very grateful to have such a healthy and amazing kid, an awesome husband and friends who take time out of their busy lives to wish me a good one.

So, on that note--till next year! Who knows, I might actually have time over the holidays to reflect a little more (and post).

Merry Christmas, happy holidays and happy new year everyone!

A month (or year?) in review

I really should own the fact that I do not, and probably will not, devote more than 1 time per month to blog. That said... over the past month much has changed. I don't have time to post it all now, but the short version is:

We've decided to take the plunge and move to a place that is more affordable and just simply an easier place to live. Details when that's closer to finalized, which should be earlier in the new year.

In the spirit of simplifying, I am also in the process of transitioning into a position at my company that will allow me to work 100% from home (unless I'm required to be on site and travel, which will occur far less than now and will be planned at least a couple weeks in advance).

I'm working hard at living in the now, thinking in the now and therefore fulfilling my beliefs by repeatedly thinking and living in the present (and in a positive way). I'm happy about that and think it makes it easier to be a happier person overall.

Travel this fall has made keeping up with life extremely challenging... one more big trip to go. Japan over Thanksgiving to visit many many family members, see my grandfather's grave, visit my grandmother in her care facility, pay homage via a cherished ceremony and dinner with family afterwards. This trip is historical, in our family at least. It's the first time in our entire lives that all 4 of my immediate family members will travel to Japan together. It's M's 2nd trip to Japan and E's first. E is the first and *only* great grandchild in the entire Oshima lineage (and will be until my brother or I have another kid).

So it's a pretty big deal. I'm super excited for this trip (as much as M and I are bearing down for the 11+ hr flight with E) and the good times we'll have.

2009 has been eventful in many ways, but looking back the best times I'll remember are our crazy adventures as a family. Celebrating E's first birthday with our closest friends and family, watching him and his baby friends grow and develop by leaps and bounds, Labour Day in Oklahoma, Nova Scotia to visit family we hadn't seen in a decade (in some cases), Mexico--our first family vacation, and now Japan.

Here's to hoping 2010 is as joyful, full of adventure & travel and fun!

Vacation: A comparison

It's a totally normal thing to ask--"how was your vacation!?" with excitement in the voice. I hate to let people down when they ask, but to be honest? Our trip to far eastern Canada was... Hard. Challenging. Exhausting. Mixed in with a bit of family fun.

The truth of the matter is, travelling with a toddler is DAMN hard work. It's supposed to be fun and there are definitely moments when it is. But for the parents, taking the toddler out of the home, the routine, the child-proofed house and flying him 9 hours to the WAY eastern shores of Canada is... well, tough. For everyone involved (including cabin crew, fellow passengers, parents).

Were it not for the beautiful kindness of strangers, I would not have survived the return trip alone. That's right, ALONE. For various annoying reasons, M was not able to get on my flight back from Halifax, so I flew 9 hours (plus transfers) with E alone. M's been telling me his buddies at work told him I should "buck up." Um, F-you. You do not know my kid. He's the kid no one wants to travel with (serves me right for hating travelling with other people's kids all those years). He's loud, he kicks your chair, he wants to touch everything and he doesn't give a fig about TV or other forms of entertainment (except maybe in short 2 minute intervals). So 9 hours alone in a tight, confined, shared space with 150 individuals was TOUGH. We're talking constantly walking the cabin, vertical diaper changes in that tiny-ass lav and LOTS of carrying. (My back still hasn't fully recovered and occasionally spasms)

Then, landing at SFO and having to load up the Bob (stroller), carseat, my GIANT 60 lbs bag, my carry on and another unwieldy bag and drag it on AirBart and to my car and then INSTALL the damn car seat (first time) was the final straw. It nearly brought me to tears. I *almost* called our good friends to have her husband come help me install the seat.

Anyways, our vacation to Canada isnt the sort of trip I'd classify as a vacation. There were no lingering dinners over lovely and amazing food. There were no unplanned stops at wineries. There were no spa appointments or leisurely enjoying a book on the beach. I've come to realize those vacations no longer exist for me (so long as we take E with us).

We take different vacations now. The kind where I walk into our beach cottage and evaluate the risks of each sharp corner, table, brick and glass and try to mitigate potential damages by child-proofing. Barricading doors, fireplaces and dangly glass objects from the curious reach of E. Our daily activities revolve around whether E could tolerate the planned activity for any length of time. (will he jump out of the paddleboat? Would he sit in the stroller long enough to enjoy a nature walk? will he destroy the restaurant?) And meals are now eaten in shifts with one parent typically enjoying a glass of wine and apps alone while the other walks/entertains E in hopes we can all sit down for 10 minutes to enjoy an entree together.

To be honest, M is not to bothered by this. He's not a sit-around-read-a-book kinda guy. When we'd do our thrice-annual trips to Maui, he'd surf, beach comb, do anything but sit and layout with a book. So he's loving have a new little buddy to take along. And I say, more power to ya!!

Thank god I have an amazing dad for a husband. As much as it wasn't relaxing, it was such a joy to see E experience feeding bunny rabbits for the first time, walk the Nova Scotia beaches with Daddy, pick up rocks and point gleefully at the birds, go paddleboating and visit all his family in Timberlea.

As much as I miss the vacations of yesteryear, I am thrilled to experience a new kind of vacation.

Now I just need another one.

Vamos a Mexico! See ya next week!

Wow, talk about timing

A good friend just posted this quote on her blog and it could not be more timely for me...

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us"

Thanks litlflogr!

I want . . .

I've been struggling with the mom-work-life balance as of late. I'm not sure if the catalyst is the insane travel we have planned this Fall (partly planned in advance, partly as a result of involuntary circumstance--but for good reasons). But the long and short of it is, I want to be more balanced and am at a bit of a loss on how to achieve. The list of wants vs needs is dynamic, as one would expect, but recently I've been feeling stretched to the limits like a pizza dough that's been made too thin. Mostly, I want....

• to be the kind of mom who remembers/considers getting a Halloween costume for my child before being reminded that Halloween is approaching. I mean, last year the only reason E had any Halloween-esque attire is because Grandma kindly thought of the outfit months in advance.
• to have more time to reflect on the kind of mom I am, want to be and practice in real life
• to spend *at least* the same amount of time I do thinking about how to be better in my job and progress in my career as I do thinking about how to be a better mom and how to encourage E's development.
• to really live in the present and not think so much about how the kitchen floor is icky, the cats haven't been fed today, the tomato plants and grass haven't been watered in days, how the long work day has just killed my only workout time today and oh, I have no gas in my car. There's 40 UPS/FedEx packages on the front porch, I haven't been able to get to the banking in days and we leave for our next trip and don't have a rental car/hotel, etc. (seriously, I booked our rental car for Labour Day weekend at 11pm the night before we left).
• but to also think about the future in a different way. Not in a "what do we have to do, what do we have planned, how can we accomplish those things" way; but in a "how will this affect E, how can that help us grow as a family, how can we spend more quality time together" way.

I'm definitely seeing a need evolve here and it certainly involves less outside pressure internalized, fewer outside obligations, blocking out external needs and focusing more on the needs of our family, myself and our marriage (not that anything is wrong, but to be wholly inclusive). I need to say "no" more often and not feel bad about it. I must be better about multi-tasking less (I mean seriously, am I really doing anything better?).

In short, I need to implement simplicity in a way I've never conceived of before. It can no longer be rhetoric. It must be practiced.

Any super-full-time-working-moms out there with some solid advice on how to achieve? Please don't tell me "not to sweat the small stuff." Good message, but some real-life examples of how you did it all would be more helpful. I can't afford a personal assistant, housecleaner or nanny... so if you have some great ideas on how you did it all on your own and worked full-time, I'd be ever-so grateful.

Fall racing season: Is it really for charity?

A friend of mine from law school recently asked me to join her team for the ego-boosting Half Marathon coming up this fall in prime racing season. I've always wanted to do this race for the ridiculous reason of wanting to finally set a PB below 2:30 for a half (I didnt get very far with that goal four years ago when I first started running half marathons). This race is, as many of you know, known for allowing the recreational runner to set PBs because it's so flat and fast.

So, I diligently logged onto the race website with the intention of registering. I was also planning to register for another race I have been thinking of doing for quite some time, the Big Sur Half. Holy expensiveness Batman!! When did the prices to register skyrocket? Is there some special new thing they are doing at these highly commercial events to make it uber attractive for the recreational runner? Or are they succumbing to the take over like the Nike race in San Francisco?

I mean, $95 bucks for the Rock and Roll Half, $85 for the Big Sur and the Nike race isn't even an option unless you're willing to raise approximately $4k for Team in Training (as they've effectively taken hostage of this event unless you win the lottery to get a spot). Geez! I don't think I can afford to run races this fall season, in more ways than one.

First, the buckage (i made that up, pretty sure it's not a word) required to run most of my favorite races and my goal races (ones I haven't done but always planned to) is ridonkulous. Not to mention that I've have to seriously dedicate lots of time and energy to training for these races because I'd feel like I have to justify the cost of the registration fee.

Am I the only one who's noticed this extreme upward trend?

Tell me, have the race organizers done some amazing shiznit in the last two years that I'm not aware of? Have they stopped providing hose water mixed with powder Gatorade at the rest points (like they did at my most unfavorite race) and instead switched to holy water trekked in on donkey backs from the trickling streams of the Sierras? I mean, what is the deal?!

Needless to say, I'm not registering for anything this season that requires a down payment of $80 bucks. I just can't do it. I mean, last time I ran Nike it was $80 for the Half but we got a Tiffany's necklace handed to us by cute men wielding little blue boxes at the finish line. I'm scared to even see what the cost for the Half would be now. Christ Almighty.

Dear Race Organizers--wake up to the fact that not everyone is loaded and able to pay these ridiculous fees. We are in an economic downturn right now and if you truly care about raising money for the charities who are supposed to be the beneficiaries of these races, you might want to re-evaluate the actual cost of putting on these events from a .org perspective. Not a .com one.
Just a thought. . .

The big 1

It's hard to believe that my little E turned 1 on Saturday. Even though many of our closest friends and family arrived at our house for a big Mexican-styled fiesta for the entire afternoon complete with taco man, pinata and kids running amuck. Despite the *extreme* stress pre-party (due largely in part to the vast amount of work that had to be done plus M's mother staying with us the night before--oh what a JOY that was), it was such a wonderful celebration.

And yet I still have to process the fact that my little guy is a one year old. All the signs are there. At his 1-yr doctor appointment, he showed perfect progression, all in good health, just growing beautifully. The doc even made my feelings official by stating that he is a "high energy" child. Um yea.

I have a year's worth of pictures showing him getting bigger and blowing by milestone after milestone. Sitting up, holding his bottle, eating solids, crawling, walking around holding furniture and most recently walking with us holding just one hand. It's amazing.

And then when I put him to bed, asleep so peacefully in my arms and looking every bit the angel he's not during the day, I see the quilt my mom made him with his full birth name and date, I see the plaque another family member gave us with his birthdate and full name... and it's just so wierd.

Several good friends are having or just had their first babies within the past 2 months and baby #2 is on the way for a friend whose son is just 7 weeks older than E (yikes, huh!)... so I know time is marching on. But I almost don't feel ready for it. I want my little baby to be my baby.

But he's not. It's official, he's a toddler. Apparently after they surpass the 12-month mark babies enter toddlerdom. And that is just wierd.

I don't know when it will finally sink in....

Luxury is in the eye of the beholder

I forgot what it felt like to sleep in. And be alone with my husband. And read uninterrupted *not* at night time. And linger over a ridiculous dinner for close to 3 hours. And take a bath at 10am, after sleeping in.

That, my friends, is the new definition of "luxury" for a new momma. And it was friggin' awesome. Thanks to the employment of R's brother at a lovely resort in Sonoma, we were treated to a lovely and amazing 2 days at the Fairmont. Holy mother of all things that are good and pure! And R2 generously requested an upgrade to a huge suite complete with an iced bucket of champage, chocolate-covered strawberries and a handwritten note of congrats for our anniversary. Sweet!

The hotel room was gorgeous and perfectly appointed. The complimentary champage (my fav--Gloria Ferrer Blanc de Noir) and strawberries were so yummy. Then R's brother went ape shit on our dinner. We only ordered the lobster mac & cheese to start and 2 entrees. But R2 decided that a proper dinner starts with an amuse buche (yum), a caviar & cauliflower custard and foie gras before our mac & cheese (I forgot, there were black truffles shavings on top too). Then he sent over the wild, local halibut (out of this WORLD!) with the biggest and sweetest peas known to man, a tender piece of Sonoma pork tenderloin (mmmm) and came out after to see how it was going. All the while, Renee, the sommelier, kept bringing amazing wines she paired with each course... filling us up even more. So when R2 came out to see how we were, I almost waived a white flag. But we decided to soldier on to our entrees with a small request that he scale them back a bit. Thank god he did. But the Maine lobster M ordered was amazing and my red snapper was simply divine.

Then R2 sent over the most amazing sorbet and fresh berries followed by the pastry chef's pot de creme (holy goodness) and three other chocolate desserts that were beyond amazing... and we were D-O-N-E.

I didnt think it was possible for 2 people to eat that much and survive. And then get up and eat again the next day. But we did.

After sleeping in till 9am, the huge tub called to us and since I brought my L'Occitane lavendar bubble bath, we felt like we had spent an hour at the spa. We meandered to breakfast at Big 3 on the property and had a simple and lovely meal there too. And on the recommendation of Renee, we checked out and headed up to Pride Mountain Vineyards. YUM. The only bad part was that we can't afford to roll out with an entire case like we usually do.

In short, we spent 2 luxurious and extremely gluttenous days in Sonoma and came back totally refreshed. That's the best part of a vacation. It gives you the will to push through the rest of the work week (since I came back to work today), albeit a little slower on the uptake. And the memory of the luxury is still fresh enough to make me smile.

So, the biggest shout out to R and R2. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for showing us an amazing time, stretching the outer limits of my stomach and giving us back a piece of something we hadnt seen or experienced in a long time.

Cheers!!

Week 51: A moment of reflection (just a moment)

It's been forever since I posted Elliott's progress by the WEEK. Geez. I can barely calculate the tip on a dinner out. But my weekly tip from parents.com tells me that Elliott turns 51 weeks today. Holy mother of pearl. What happened to the last 50 weeks? Has it really been almost a year??

As EM's baby boy is welcomed to the world, having arrived barely 36 hours ago, it reminds me of all they will be going through in the next three months. As much joy as a new parent experiences then, it's also the hardest three months of the first year in many ways. Totally been said and done, I get that. But one thing they never tell you is that the parents, as a couple, will have another hurdle to overcome at about 9-10 months when all you've been are teammates on this crazy journey (and less romantic partners). How anyone can think of concieving again in that timeframe is beyond me. After the initial relief of surviving those first 9 mos and having a baby who can sit up, hold his bottle, grab snacks, eat finger food and understand "no," one must turn to the issue of the state of the marriage.

Not that it's all bad, but you do have to try and remember what you were like before your lives, as individuals and as a couple, were forced to take second fiddle to that of your new baby. It's a necessary sacrifice ripe with rewards. But taking that time to come back to where you were is something not often talked about.

Anyways.... Week 51 is here (which reminds me that E's birthday party is just one week away, ahh!!). E makes me laugh, reminisce, get frustrated and then feel guilty about getting frustrated all on a daily basis. But you know what? I would not change a thing. I remember being one of those people who couldn't imagine my life with a kid--no more spontaneous travel all over the globe, lingering dinners with M, staying up late with no consequence, etc. But now, as every parent says, I cannot imagine my life without him. The sacrifices are not even sacrifices when I see his little face looking at me with such joy. It's a feeling I've never been able to replicate or explain other that showing you this:




How could anyone say no to that face??

Then parents.com reminded me of what I have to look forward to now that E is entering his 2nd year of life...

Up until now, chances are you were able to distract your baby from things that were off-limits--the VCR, for instance, or his older brother's Lego set--by offering alternatives. But one day soon, he may respond to an attempt to redirect him by turning bright red, falling to the floor, pounding his fists and feet as hard as he can, and screaming loud enough to rattle the windows.
Welcome to the world of the toddler tantrum. Although tantrums are disturbing, try to distance yourself by viewing them as a dramatic performance--your child is using every tool at his disposal to make his displeasure known. Unless you want the performance to repeat itself several times a day, however, don't give in to his demands. Don't spank him or yell at him--just stand there and let him scream himself out without responding. (If you're in a public place, this may be embarrassing, but it really is essential.) After a few minutes, he will calm down. Most important, he will get the message that this particular tool does not do the job, and he'll eventually drop it from his repertoire.

Oh the joy of the tantrum in public.

Moment is over.. E seriously needs his nap now. Practicing for his public tantrum

Reading again: Bel Canto book review

Am I the only person on the planet (over 18 included) who is not reading the Twilight series? I don't get it. It's like my aversion to cartoons (and that includes The Family Guy, The Simpson and any other adult-oriented cartoon) and all things sci-fi. I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, that the Twilight series (as did the Harry Potter series) qualifies as sci-fi. As I understand it, it's about teenaged vampires.

I feel bad being so judgmental, it's obviously very popular. But I just can't get on board with teenage vampire love. Just like I couldn't get into pre-teen sorcery.

So, instead, I finally finished one of my many Girls' Book Exchange acquisitions--Bel Canto. And I must say, I was less than impressed. It came highly recommended, as did Ann Patchett's other books, and I was ... quite honestly... bored. It drug on and on and on. Yes, they were held hostage. But for 4 freakin' months? Don't buy it. And then BAM it was over. (Spoiler Alert) All of a sudden, in the last 10 pages, the government busts up the joint, kills all the terrorists and breaks up the love fest. Then 2 of the main characters, who were in love with 2 of the terrorists, end up marrying each other. WTF?!?!

L-A-M-E. In my humble opinion, this is a DUD. Skip it.