The expected ..... unexpected

When you visit someone who is very sick, gravely ill, you know you should expect what is coming next. But for some reason when the expected happens, it seems strangely unexpected. In the wake of our Japan trip, which in and of itself was intense and gratifying at the same time, I am now faced with the unexpected expediency of the expected. My aunt died this morning. We all knew we should be expecting this, but at the same time, seeing her just last Thursday, merely 6 days ago, so happy to see M and I, so talkative, so exuberant at our last meeting, I was more than a bit floored when I recieved the news this afternoon that she had died.

Admittedly, we have not shared the same level of closeness many people share with their loved ones, but I knew that she cared about me from afar. And I for her. And I had (perhaps unrealistic hopes) that the next time I went to Japan I would see her again, alive.

For many hours this afternoon I did what many people do when faced with this kind of news--I took on the responsibility to keep myself busy. The responsility of making sure what needed to happen (from the US) happened. People were informed. Arrangements were made. Long distance phone calls were made. But for an hour or so while waiting for the lines of communication to clear up between here and Tokyo, I did what I originally planned to do today, attended an exercise class. I didn't know what else to do with myself for that period of time. And then another unexpected thing happened. About half way through the class, on a hard drill, I pushed myself harder than I have before. I got into a zone and basically punished myself for being able to do what she could no longer do-- breathe, live, strive and have possibility and opportunity. And it literally made me cry during this class. Luckily for me, the room was very dark and my tears mixed in with the rivers of sweat pouring out. But I felt guilty because I can do what she no longer can. So I pushed myself more. My knees almost gave out in exhaustion. But what else can you do when the expected unexpectedly happens way too soon?