New life, new rules

I've been made aware, forcefully in some respects, that my new life does (and must) encompass a new set of rules. This wasn't something I was completely prepared for, but over time I've adjusted to it. I thought I was adjusting well. For example, I've become quite the planner now (if it's possible to plan more than I did before)--always having to think 10 steps ahead and anticipate every possible need/roadblock/want for E. I've acquired new skills and even more importantly, new friends. My new friends (who are also moms) have become my lifeline. We support each other, understand what life is like at this stage and hold realistic expectations of each other as we grow into our new roles.

The flip side of that is that I have lost friends too. It's unfortunate, but I understand that that too was a necessary evil. Learning and adapting to my new role in life is tough, but doing so while managing our home & lives, maintaining and thriving in my job and progressing on our goals has proven to be extremely overwhelming. Unfortunately that has meant that I'm more forgetful, I'm constantly moving at the speed of light (my husband calls me "the tornado" now) and unfortunately, I can't be present in quite the same capacity in other areas of my former life. I am constantly struggling with the feeling that my plate is too full, I can't handle it all.

I've posted about this before, but I feel an urgent need to significantly simplify my life in order to manage what I do have going on successfully. And like many other moms, struggle, almost daily, with a proper balance between work, life, love, friends and children.

There's no real point here... I guess the take-home lesson has been, "win some, lose some." Too bad it can't be all winning....

Thinking outside the box

Lately I've spent time I should be doing something else (like falling asleep, working) daydreaming about the next perfect job. I think I've come up with a few winners... now it's just a matter of researching each option, consulting people in the field and figuring out how to work it into the mix of chaos I currently call my life.

Luckily, with each option I can continue to keep my day job while the "dream job" is still getting its legs. But again, I'm stuck with the problem of how to juggle the dream job, my real job, my family life and managing the home.

For now, it's going to mean hiring babysitters to watch E so we can tend to things 'round the house, sneak a few hours of research in after work and E goes to bed, and take advantage of the times when E is away (which is *rare*... but I do have one weekend coming up) or otherwise being tended to.

Someone once told me I was good at my job (back then I was a lawyer) because I always think outside the box. I'm not sure if it was true back then, but I do feel like that skill/talent/characteristic (?) is surfacing and in a good way.

While I'd like to think I would *love* staying home and being a mom only, I'm fairly certain that in reality I'd want more. Not because I'd be bored (taking care of E is anything but boring!), but because I simply want more for myself. I want an identity outside of being E's mom. I have a friend who decided to quit her job and be a mom. More power to ya. Wish I could afford it, but even if I could. . . Anyways. I called her the other day and got her voicemail. Girlfriend's outgoing message said, (in her husband's voice) "F's mom can't take your call right now. Leave a message." BEEP.

Um.. NO. That is exactly what I do NOT want. I do not want my identity to be "E's mom" only. I do not want to be so lame/lazy/tired/indifferent to the outside world that I allow my husband to leave MY outgoing message and call me E's mom, and not my REAL name.

My visceral reaction to that message, every time I get it, solidifies my belief that I could not (even if we could afford it) be a stay at home mom only. So, I've started thinking outside the box for a "job" I could do that would allow be the greatest flexibility ever, be my own boss, not be stuck adhering to the traditional "business" schedule, have the ability to take time off when/if I want to and incorporate E into my daily routine without it crimping my professional abilities. I'd also like to be paid fairly for my time, but am willing to accept that if I leave Corporate America, there will be a time period for which my earnings will decrease before I realize a gain. And I'd lose my health insurance. Doh.

Sounds like I want it all, and I do. So. . . to find a way, I need to think outside the box.

Damn invisible box.

Language barrier or something else?

So, I had my second fight with my mom since she started taking care of E last December (however it is the second one since Easter, so a bit close for comfort). For those of you who know my mother and my history with her, you know that's quite a feat. But that's neither here nor there. . .

I'm trying to process what the hell happened. How it got started and why she got so upset. And I'm having a hard time deciding whether the root of the problem is the language barrier, a cultural difference, an interpretation issue or simply the situation at hand. Starting with the latter, M raised a good point--saying that in a situation like ours (my mom is taking care of E without pay--just the cost of her commute/costs incurred), it is inevitable that she would feel she a lack of gratitude. She's working for free, ultimately, to help us. Sure, we do everything we can to make it easier for her--cook for her, clean up after her, buy whatever she needs here, etc. But at the end of the day, she's not collecting a paycheck. So no matter how many times we thank her, express our gratitude, working for free (no matter what one may think their reaction would be) can, and probably will, result in her feeling like we take her for granted. (which we don't!)

At the same time, I have a deeply held belief that when there is a disagreement, each party should have an opportunity to express their thoughts, feelings, etc and be heard. Without interruption and completely. Then the other party should be give the chance to process and respond. Maybe it's the lawyer in me. But more than that, I feel it's only fair for each side to be heard--fully and completely--so both sides can hear (if not listen) and perhaps understand.

The problem tonight (and with my parents in general) is that they *loudly* express their thoughts and problems with the situation--and I listen--but when it's my turn to respond, they interrupt and say "No, that's enough. Just stop. We aren't discussing this anymore."

UM. NO. I am not 16 anymore, you do NOT get to decide when the conversation is over. I heard you, listened to you, asked you clarifying questions regarding your position, and now YOU will hear me.

Sadly, when someone decides they are not going to hear, let alone listen, it's not gonna happen. Especially when they storm out the door.

So, what is one to do?

Luckily, I have one sane parent. In explaining this to him after he cooled down and returned to the house, he said, "yup you're right. I cant just listen when I disagree." And, "no, you're right, it's not entirely fair."

But ultimately, when dealing with my mother--I do wonder what the underlying cause is. I know it's not the gratitude. That's a symptom of the situation that can't totally be fixed. I do think it's a toss up between the language barrier and a cultural difference. While she cannot apologize (never has and never will), cannot admit she is wrong (same) and rarely expresses gratitude herself to others--she fully expects those things from others.

I really struggle with that. I have a hard time reconciling what I know about her with how she acts. Even though I know better.

Damn rock. Damn hard place.

The billable mom

My short stint as an attorney haunted me last night as I was trying to fall asleep. . . I got to wondering--if I billed my time now (in 6 min increments) what would an average day look like?

~630-800am
.10 slowly wake to the sounds of a delighted 9 mos old chatting with himself in a very wet diaper
.20 change wet diaper, warm bottle, feed bottle
.30 hang with happy baby in bed with happy husband and sleepy kitties

Then the day starts. . .
~8-830
.30 feed E breakfast, make coffee, fix my own breakfast
.10 check blackberry for any emergency emails that need immediate answering. If yes, head down to the office. If no, drink coffee while cleaning up after breakfast

~830
1.0 work in home office, prepare for day with clients
1.0 commute to City
1.5 work with clients, meetings

~12noon
1.10 lunch with friends

~130
1.5-2.5 client meetings

~330/4
1.0 commute down peninsula

~4/445pm
.30 errands on the way home
.20 commute home

~5/530pm
.20 hug & kiss my son after dropping my crap at the door
.20 play with E, who is exuberant to see mommy
.10 consider going to the gym

~6-7pm
1.0 hit the gym
OR
dinner for E, prep dinner for us, rub a dub with E, story time with E, bed time....

~8pm
1.0 prep and eat dinner with mom and husband

~9-10/11
1.0-2.0--either banking/emails during TV, working with wine, laundry, cleaning up or passing out. Depends on the day.

~10/11
blissfully hit the hay.

Doesnt sound that bad when I see it written out. How come living it is so much harder? Kind of reminds me of when I'd look at DTE (for non-lawyers, the billable hour/timekeeping system), I'd see days with 8.0 and think "huh, that's all I billed that day?" I'd also see days that read "14.2" or at my worst "17.0" and think--"yeah, that explains why I'm so tired, have no food in the house, havent seen my husband, forgot to leave a check for the housecleaner, found 6 UPS delivery notices on the house door, etc."

I guess it's a lot easier to digest when it's just a number on a screen. When you're living those hours, it's a different story. If I digress from the above schedule at all, ie if someone is sick (worse if it's me), if I want to have some *gasp* down time, or am more busy than usual at work--all of that is thrown out of whack and it seems like recovery is impossible.

So, I ask. . . what do we do then? Back in the day, when faced with the choice of sleeping or eating (when E was about 2-3 mos old), I always chose sleep. Now, I don't have that luxury.

I'm convinced now that if I could bill my mom time and my work time to my former clients, I'd be set for retirement by the time I'm 40. Ahh to dream.

Back to work. . .

Working moms... that phrase should be separated

into two separate nouns/jobs. I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to "work" and be a "mom." For the past couple months, but even more so in the last 2 weeks, I've become bogged down by the stress of trying to gear up for my busiest work season, return from our psuedo-vacation, and be a mom/wife/house manager.

Really, I need a personal assistant/housecleaner/errand runner to help manage the Dixon household these days. If I could, I would pay this person a pretty penny.

OR, stay home myself.

Seriously, I never thought I would ever consider being a "stay at home mom," but these days--I'm feeling like that job and job title are not entirely fair. Admittedly, some stay at home moms get to shop, have nannies, housecleaners, car washers, errand runners and personal trainers. However, in my case that would mean I would continue to do all the stuff I already do (manage the household finances, grocery shop, cook, clean, fire up the troops for household cleaning, manage the pets, vacation/social scheduling, manage correspondence with family/friends/outside world and TRY to work out) and also add on the *huge* job of taking care of E. In return, I'd get to let go of my full-time work responsibilities (ahh, Calgon, take me away!!!) and feel better about doing a better job on both fronts. My (former) clients would get a rep who'd take as good (or better) care of them than I currently can and my son would get a mom who is actually present mentally, emotionally and physically when with him.

The biggest problem with this plan, as with all others that sound too good to be true, is that it is. We simply cannot afford for me not to work right now.

And so the struggle continues.....

Until then, we are conducting a MAJOR overhaul of the Dixon household--leaving no stone uncovered. Every nook, cranny, bill, duty, thought, to-do, expense item, income item, etc will be making its way into a spreadsheet for analysis on how to simplify our lives. There is simply not enough time for us to continue on with life status quo. For the time being, TV and the NY Times on weekends has been cut. What else must go... remains to be seen.

Advice solicited and welcome.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, new and experienced

Today I am celebrating my first mother's day. And yet it started off like every other day--waking to the sound of my son thumping his feet loudly against the mattress of his crib, eagerly awaiting the arrival of mommy or daddy to start his day. The smile on that kid's face when we change that first morning diaper is like he's celebrating every single day, which only reminds me even more that I am lucky and blessed to have him in my life and a husband who adores us both more than anything in the world.

It also gives me pause to think about how different my mornings are now from just one year ago. One year ago I was pregnant (of course) and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little boy. But I was also sleeping in, reading the Sunday Times, gently rubbing my belly thinking about how different our lives will be in a few months, etc. Never did I imagine how correct that assumption would be!

It's funny how the cliches are true:

• Motherhood is the best and most challenging job one may ever have--check!


• Despite all the hard times raising a human being from scratch, I'd never go back to my life without him--check!

And on.

Don't get me wrong--do I miss sleeping in? yup. Do I miss working out without watching the clock and thinking I should get back home? yup. Did I read BT's blog entry about her uber relaxing vacay in Anguilla and think "holy shit that sounds awesome..." but also "those kinds of vacay are a long way off for us"--yup.

But look at this face--i mean, come on!

I know, I suck at updating

It has been much too long since my last post. But post-baby, return-to-work me hasnt found the time or will to dedicate to updating my blog. Obviously new motherhood is a good excuse, but not an entire pardon. More recently it's my participation in Facebook that had effectively ended my blogging.

While I'd like to promise that things will change, at the moment M and I are struggling with lack of time, too much stress, too much clutter, too much to do and generally too much of everything EXCEPT relaxation and are making a very concerted effort to reverse that trend. Getting sick every 3-4 weeks, constantly feeling behind on life/home/work, feeling like we can either be good parents OR be good employees but not both at the same time, etc is exhausting . . . so we are on the path to changing that.

Any new parents out there (both working full time) have suggestions? We'd like to have it all--fulfilling jobs, be wonderful, present, dedicated parents, travel, have a semblance of a social life and make progress on our financial goals..... but are really questioning whether that is possible? Are we delusional or simply overreaching?