Language barrier or something else?

So, I had my second fight with my mom since she started taking care of E last December (however it is the second one since Easter, so a bit close for comfort). For those of you who know my mother and my history with her, you know that's quite a feat. But that's neither here nor there. . .

I'm trying to process what the hell happened. How it got started and why she got so upset. And I'm having a hard time deciding whether the root of the problem is the language barrier, a cultural difference, an interpretation issue or simply the situation at hand. Starting with the latter, M raised a good point--saying that in a situation like ours (my mom is taking care of E without pay--just the cost of her commute/costs incurred), it is inevitable that she would feel she a lack of gratitude. She's working for free, ultimately, to help us. Sure, we do everything we can to make it easier for her--cook for her, clean up after her, buy whatever she needs here, etc. But at the end of the day, she's not collecting a paycheck. So no matter how many times we thank her, express our gratitude, working for free (no matter what one may think their reaction would be) can, and probably will, result in her feeling like we take her for granted. (which we don't!)

At the same time, I have a deeply held belief that when there is a disagreement, each party should have an opportunity to express their thoughts, feelings, etc and be heard. Without interruption and completely. Then the other party should be give the chance to process and respond. Maybe it's the lawyer in me. But more than that, I feel it's only fair for each side to be heard--fully and completely--so both sides can hear (if not listen) and perhaps understand.

The problem tonight (and with my parents in general) is that they *loudly* express their thoughts and problems with the situation--and I listen--but when it's my turn to respond, they interrupt and say "No, that's enough. Just stop. We aren't discussing this anymore."

UM. NO. I am not 16 anymore, you do NOT get to decide when the conversation is over. I heard you, listened to you, asked you clarifying questions regarding your position, and now YOU will hear me.

Sadly, when someone decides they are not going to hear, let alone listen, it's not gonna happen. Especially when they storm out the door.

So, what is one to do?

Luckily, I have one sane parent. In explaining this to him after he cooled down and returned to the house, he said, "yup you're right. I cant just listen when I disagree." And, "no, you're right, it's not entirely fair."

But ultimately, when dealing with my mother--I do wonder what the underlying cause is. I know it's not the gratitude. That's a symptom of the situation that can't totally be fixed. I do think it's a toss up between the language barrier and a cultural difference. While she cannot apologize (never has and never will), cannot admit she is wrong (same) and rarely expresses gratitude herself to others--she fully expects those things from others.

I really struggle with that. I have a hard time reconciling what I know about her with how she acts. Even though I know better.

Damn rock. Damn hard place.