Hm. Now that I think of it, perhaps I understated our gift situation. We did get and give some pretty cool gifts. For my birthday, or part of it, M took me to Kooza in the city on Friday night, Tapis Rouge style. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Maybe it was because I've never seen a Cirque du Soleil production before, but I was seriously in awe the entire time.
My personal favs were the super-stretchy contortionist trio, who rocked it every which way to Sunday and the Wheel of Death guys. You could tell they got a serious high (and ego boost) from that performance. It was awesome. I also thought the "chorus" folks (or whatever the acrobat version of that term may be) were unbelievable!
I'm glad we splurged for the Tapis Rouge as well. Cuz there ain't nothing like seeing some trippy Cirque du Soleil acrobats with a glass of red wine in my hands and some yummy appetizers and desserts in my belly. Plus we had reserved parking (which turned out to be key because the Emerald Bowl was at At&t park that same night) and our own little VIP area to pee and escape the crowds. Emphasis on "own place to pee."
If you do have the chance to see this show before it leaves the Bay Area, I highly recommend it. It's quite a steal, especially since most of the time you have to go to Vegas to see it and pay for a hotel or whatnot during your stay, and it's just so effin' cool.
And funny side note: we once again ran into a couple we know for the 3rd time, completely randomly, in at least 4 months. The guy, V, I used to work with at Big Law firm A. He's now dating a woman who, for the past 3 events we've seen her at, never really spoke to us directly, even when spoken to. And Friday, for some reason, she hugged us both when we saw each other at the Tapis Rouge tent and conversed normally. Hm. Odd.
M chalked it up to "maybe the last few times we saw them they had just had a fight or something." I dunno. It was just wierd. It's even wierder that we keep running into them at places we have in common--Cal football games (pre-game or at the actual game) and events like Kooza. But then again, the legal community in the Bay Area is quite small and three of the four of us are lawyers. And V does love to talk up the pilot business with M. So it's all good.
Wintermute, I hope you start feeling better soon! BT, good to see you both tonight.
Salute!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Happy holidays indeed
Like BT, this is the most drama-free and pleasant holiday season we've had to date. We went to the Sacramento area for 3 days and barely left my parent's house during daylight hours except to go to lunch at this new fabulous restaurant in town with my family for my birthday. We biked around Folsom Lake, I made cookies for a twin-carrying pregnant friend who has been on bedrest for 8 weeks, I also made homemade pasta & bolognese sauce for Christmas Eve. My mom made a yummy sukiyaki dish for Christmas dinner which we enjoyed with M's mom and her husband (who again behaved himself!). Then I served a delightfully light dessert on Christmas night to round out the nice & light Japanese dinner. We read books & newspapers, went to a movie, shared our Japan pictures, swapped stories, etc. All in all, it was a refreshing break from tradition (no turkey, no crazy presents, and no DRAMA!)
It's almost unbelievable how smooth things went. Especially considering [1] last year's horrific Christmas with M's father's side of the family in Florida and [2] the history between me & M and our crazy mothers.
On top of it all, M and I recieved some very cool gifts (mine were a mix of birthday and Christmas presents and this year it totally worked out!). M got the cold weather biking/running gear he wanted, I recieved the awesome-est vaccuum cleaner EVAR, my sweet brother gave me a gorgeous collection of L'Occitane stuff (all in lavendar because he's been reading my blog, doh!). And M and I, while deciding not to get each other traditional Christmas gifts, just purchased our combined Christmas gift yesterday. Of course he and G spent half the day installing it and connecting all our gear (meaning crap like an Xbox, DVD player and a reciever we've had in our garage for months but couldn't use because our old TV had *literally* one cable plug in the back of it).
Funny story: My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas. We don't need anything really, but just so she had something to look for ('cuz she loves that), I told her I wanted a set red wine glasses and champagne flutes. Y'all know, if you've been to our house and drank wine (and who hasn't?!) that we commonly use tasting glasses from wineries. One, because we are aware that wine glasses break all the time. And two, because we don't have anything in between tasting glasses and crystal from our wedding to serve wine in.
So, she goes and gets them. Searches high and low for red wine glasses (although they are technically from my brother, but because he flew up here for Christmas, my mom "helped" with this shopping a bit). And she finally finds what I'm looking for . . . Red-COLORED wine glasses. No joke. And red-COLORED champagne flutes. You should have seen my face when I opened the box. Total confusion. HUH? BT's mom would have loved these, they were so festive. For Christmas. But for everyday drinking glasses? Not so much.
Clearly my mom isn't a wine drinker. M's mom thought it was hilarious. She was like, "oh geez, I coulda told you that's not what she was lookin' for!"
In any case, cheers! Hope you all have a perfect NYE, whether that be rockin' it Times Square style or layin' low with close friends at a small house gathering.
Looking forward to a great 2008!
It's almost unbelievable how smooth things went. Especially considering [1] last year's horrific Christmas with M's father's side of the family in Florida and [2] the history between me & M and our crazy mothers.
On top of it all, M and I recieved some very cool gifts (mine were a mix of birthday and Christmas presents and this year it totally worked out!). M got the cold weather biking/running gear he wanted, I recieved the awesome-est vaccuum cleaner EVAR, my sweet brother gave me a gorgeous collection of L'Occitane stuff (all in lavendar because he's been reading my blog, doh!). And M and I, while deciding not to get each other traditional Christmas gifts, just purchased our combined Christmas gift yesterday. Of course he and G spent half the day installing it and connecting all our gear (meaning crap like an Xbox, DVD player and a reciever we've had in our garage for months but couldn't use because our old TV had *literally* one cable plug in the back of it).
Funny story: My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas. We don't need anything really, but just so she had something to look for ('cuz she loves that), I told her I wanted a set red wine glasses and champagne flutes. Y'all know, if you've been to our house and drank wine (and who hasn't?!) that we commonly use tasting glasses from wineries. One, because we are aware that wine glasses break all the time. And two, because we don't have anything in between tasting glasses and crystal from our wedding to serve wine in.
So, she goes and gets them. Searches high and low for red wine glasses (although they are technically from my brother, but because he flew up here for Christmas, my mom "helped" with this shopping a bit). And she finally finds what I'm looking for . . . Red-COLORED wine glasses. No joke. And red-COLORED champagne flutes. You should have seen my face when I opened the box. Total confusion. HUH? BT's mom would have loved these, they were so festive. For Christmas. But for everyday drinking glasses? Not so much.
Clearly my mom isn't a wine drinker. M's mom thought it was hilarious. She was like, "oh geez, I coulda told you that's not what she was lookin' for!"
In any case, cheers! Hope you all have a perfect NYE, whether that be rockin' it Times Square style or layin' low with close friends at a small house gathering.
Looking forward to a great 2008!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Hosseini)
I just finished this book and absolutely loved it. If you read Kite Runner by the same author and felt slighted, fear not. This book is far better than its predecessor. I'll edit out my spoiler comments (I keep a running log of my thoughts of books I've read on the previously-mentioned Book Challenge list I have).
THIS BOOK IS AMAZING. I wasn't able to put this book down; a good sign when I can't turn out the light at 2am because I need to know what happens with the characters. This book is a tale of two women’s lives who seemingly have totally separate existences but eventually come to be key forces in each other's lives. Mariam, a woman born a bastard whose father abandons her and gives her away in marriage to a horrible man in Kabul a few weeks after a tragic event in her life. And Laila, a woman 20 years her junior, born into a well-educated family in Kabul, who finds love in her childhood friend, Tariq, but ends up being separated from him because of the wars and unconscionable violence in Afghanistan from the 80’s on. I loved how the author incorporated so much history in a way that didn't bore me to tears. I also loved how the author reminded me of young love, something I experienced myself, but in far different circumstances. It was so intelligently written, so heartfelt. I absolutely fell in love with these characters. While it does wrap up a tad nicely, it's a lovely story I will definitely pass on.
THIS BOOK IS AMAZING. I wasn't able to put this book down; a good sign when I can't turn out the light at 2am because I need to know what happens with the characters. This book is a tale of two women’s lives who seemingly have totally separate existences but eventually come to be key forces in each other's lives. Mariam, a woman born a bastard whose father abandons her and gives her away in marriage to a horrible man in Kabul a few weeks after a tragic event in her life. And Laila, a woman 20 years her junior, born into a well-educated family in Kabul, who finds love in her childhood friend, Tariq, but ends up being separated from him because of the wars and unconscionable violence in Afghanistan from the 80’s on. I loved how the author incorporated so much history in a way that didn't bore me to tears. I also loved how the author reminded me of young love, something I experienced myself, but in far different circumstances. It was so intelligently written, so heartfelt. I absolutely fell in love with these characters. While it does wrap up a tad nicely, it's a lovely story I will definitely pass on.
Books
I love books. Sometimes I forget how much I do, but then I think back to how hardcore I was when I was a kid. A few examples . . .
In elementary school on summer breaks between 4th, 5th and 6th grade, my school had a Reading Challenge. For every hundred pages read, each student's rocket would move along in space on the big bulletin board in the hallway. I don't really recall how the powers that be kept track of our reading during the summer, but that wasn't really my concern. My concern was that my rocket ship moved the farthest, fastest. So I read. And read. And read. My rocket ship went around the solar system 3 times that summer. And I thought that was so cool.
Not nerdy enough? M likes this one . . .
On long car rides as a kid (back when we did vacations Griswold-style) I would read the whole way. My parents must have loved that, come to think of it. I would read during all the daylight hours on the road and squint during sunset. And when it got dark I would raise my book up so I could read by the headlights of the car behind us. Till my dad told me to stop because I'd hurt my eyes and end up needing glasses.
Yup. I'm cool. I'm happy to report that I don't currently wear glasses and still have pretty awesome vision, and that's after 3 years of law school, bar studies and reading umpteen cases as a fledgling lawyer. (to be fair, I certainly didn't read *all* of the assigned cases in law school :-))
Which is why, like Wintermute, I've added some book lists to my blog. I've also picked up on BT's idea a couple years ago of adopting a 25 Book Challenge for the past two years. This year I might actually make it too. So, I'm hoping to add my two cents on books I've read. Maybe you can comment on books you've read and enjoyed too. I know there's some crazy website out there where you can share book lists with your friends (I've gotten 2 invites I have yet to redeem for such a thing). But I like this idea better because, frankly, it's less work for me. And I like that.
So happy reading! And for those of you who are local, I will see you at the Girls' Fondue, Frivolo and Book Exchange in January!
In elementary school on summer breaks between 4th, 5th and 6th grade, my school had a Reading Challenge. For every hundred pages read, each student's rocket would move along in space on the big bulletin board in the hallway. I don't really recall how the powers that be kept track of our reading during the summer, but that wasn't really my concern. My concern was that my rocket ship moved the farthest, fastest. So I read. And read. And read. My rocket ship went around the solar system 3 times that summer. And I thought that was so cool.
Not nerdy enough? M likes this one . . .
On long car rides as a kid (back when we did vacations Griswold-style) I would read the whole way. My parents must have loved that, come to think of it. I would read during all the daylight hours on the road and squint during sunset. And when it got dark I would raise my book up so I could read by the headlights of the car behind us. Till my dad told me to stop because I'd hurt my eyes and end up needing glasses.
Yup. I'm cool. I'm happy to report that I don't currently wear glasses and still have pretty awesome vision, and that's after 3 years of law school, bar studies and reading umpteen cases as a fledgling lawyer. (to be fair, I certainly didn't read *all* of the assigned cases in law school :-))
Which is why, like Wintermute, I've added some book lists to my blog. I've also picked up on BT's idea a couple years ago of adopting a 25 Book Challenge for the past two years. This year I might actually make it too. So, I'm hoping to add my two cents on books I've read. Maybe you can comment on books you've read and enjoyed too. I know there's some crazy website out there where you can share book lists with your friends (I've gotten 2 invites I have yet to redeem for such a thing). But I like this idea better because, frankly, it's less work for me. And I like that.
So happy reading! And for those of you who are local, I will see you at the Girls' Fondue, Frivolo and Book Exchange in January!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I like homework, well kinda...
My acupuncturist tricked me. She's a smart lady.
Remember the homework I mentioned? Well, turns out soaking your feet in a lavender bath for 15 minutes is never really just 15 minutes. Rather, it turns into about an hour of decadent relaxation while I drink a glass of wine and read my latest favorite book. Afterwards my feet feel like butter, callouses have melted away, then I put on my new self-birthday present (I know cliche, but damn there's a reason everyone love 'em) and I literally have Happy Feet.
See, in my first session intake, she asked me all kinds of questions. I must have been clearly buzzing with adrenaline (I did drive like 90mph to get there on time because I ran late at a client meeting). Still, she asked me about the typical stress stuff--how much sleep are you getting, do you sleep well (and like BT I was having trouble remembering the last time I made it past the 5 am mark in at least a week), are you exercising (not really), etc. And after my session when she gave me my "homework," she said, "Now I know 15 minutes sounds like alot," (it did) "but see if you can swing it."
I'm swingin' it baby. I put all my phones on silent, put the crackberry on Quiet, turn off the TV and just chill. And it's totally working.
I've also started listening to new and more music. I finally made time to download some new music to the ole iPod, burned some new CDs for the car, and that's working too.
Result? I'm sleeping through the night. I actually want to go to the gym. And when I do I remember why I actually *like* going. Not only so I can eat and still fit into my clothes, but also because when I leave I feel so much better, less stressed, happier.
This weekend I am far less likely to freak out on poor M. And bonus, I haven't been pissed about not being pregnant for at least 4 days (coincidentally since i had the acunpuncture on Monday).
So, I like homework.
Remember the homework I mentioned? Well, turns out soaking your feet in a lavender bath for 15 minutes is never really just 15 minutes. Rather, it turns into about an hour of decadent relaxation while I drink a glass of wine and read my latest favorite book. Afterwards my feet feel like butter, callouses have melted away, then I put on my new self-birthday present (I know cliche, but damn there's a reason everyone love 'em) and I literally have Happy Feet.
See, in my first session intake, she asked me all kinds of questions. I must have been clearly buzzing with adrenaline (I did drive like 90mph to get there on time because I ran late at a client meeting). Still, she asked me about the typical stress stuff--how much sleep are you getting, do you sleep well (and like BT I was having trouble remembering the last time I made it past the 5 am mark in at least a week), are you exercising (not really), etc. And after my session when she gave me my "homework," she said, "Now I know 15 minutes sounds like alot," (it did) "but see if you can swing it."
I'm swingin' it baby. I put all my phones on silent, put the crackberry on Quiet, turn off the TV and just chill. And it's totally working.
I've also started listening to new and more music. I finally made time to download some new music to the ole iPod, burned some new CDs for the car, and that's working too.
Result? I'm sleeping through the night. I actually want to go to the gym. And when I do I remember why I actually *like* going. Not only so I can eat and still fit into my clothes, but also because when I leave I feel so much better, less stressed, happier.
This weekend I am far less likely to freak out on poor M. And bonus, I haven't been pissed about not being pregnant for at least 4 days (coincidentally since i had the acunpuncture on Monday).
So, I like homework.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I guess it's true
You can't take the country outta the girl, even if you take the girl(s) out of the country.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21693882/
The other one is pregnant too.
An interesting thought... if M and I had had kids at Jamie Lynn's age, by the time she is my age, she will have had a kid the same age she is now!
Boy am I glad to be a California/Bay Area girl.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21693882/
The other one is pregnant too.
An interesting thought... if M and I had had kids at Jamie Lynn's age, by the time she is my age, she will have had a kid the same age she is now!
Boy am I glad to be a California/Bay Area girl.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Oh, and more stuff done over the birthday weekend too, bonus!
I'm also thrilled that M and I got our christmas cards done, christmas shopping done, and all the household chores completed (including one quick trip to the gym) over the weekend. Plus we had a lovely birthday dinner at BT's favorite restaurant* and attended a work holiday party.
I also want to send a shout out to the very special folks who made Friday birthday drinks work, thanks! I know how hard it is to get down the peninsula on a friday at 630pm (FYI, M is not in charge of planning social events anymore:-) And I will hold my tongue re: the couple of stinkers who did not make Saturday drinks even though they said they would. (seeing as how they dont read this blog, it's all good).
*Funny side note: M said that BT's hubby told him before dinner "be ready to stuff yourselves silly." The next morning, M says to me over breakfast & coffee--"Um, if that is stuffing yourself silly, I dont want to know what a normal meal is!" As much as we enjoyed the food, we were both starved by 7am.
The one bummer is that our waiter overcharged us $50 which was supposedly a "surcharge" on one of the dishes we did *not* order (and the surcharge wasn't printed on the menu), which we still haven't gotten reimbursed for. Arg.
I also want to send a shout out to the very special folks who made Friday birthday drinks work, thanks! I know how hard it is to get down the peninsula on a friday at 630pm (FYI, M is not in charge of planning social events anymore:-) And I will hold my tongue re: the couple of stinkers who did not make Saturday drinks even though they said they would. (seeing as how they dont read this blog, it's all good).
*Funny side note: M said that BT's hubby told him before dinner "be ready to stuff yourselves silly." The next morning, M says to me over breakfast & coffee--"Um, if that is stuffing yourself silly, I dont want to know what a normal meal is!" As much as we enjoyed the food, we were both starved by 7am.
The one bummer is that our waiter overcharged us $50 which was supposedly a "surcharge" on one of the dishes we did *not* order (and the surcharge wasn't printed on the menu), which we still haven't gotten reimbursed for. Arg.
Sometimes it's not so great to be an open book
Because when you're grumpy, frustrated, tired, stressed and sickly, there's no hiding it from people who know you. I have been told by at least 3 people that I don't seem like myself lately. That combined with the fact that I have been sick twice in the last 3 mos and have still not completely recovered from my fit of hives last week and .... well ... Message recieved. So, in my personal tradition, I am trying to do something about it.
First acunpuncture session completed today.
Massage recieved as a birthday gift this year is scheduled for this weekend.
Massage recieved as a birthday gift last year will be scheduled for the week of Christmas.
Yoga being reinstated as legitimate form of exercise in my repertiore.
And I will try to JUST. DO. LESS.
And my homework from my acupuncturist? I need to soak my feet in a warm lavendar bath for at least 15 minutes every day and take my vitamins. Now that is homework I can handle! And bonus, my feet already feel softer (thanks to this awesome lavendar oil I have).
Cheers and I hope you all have a lovely holiday break!
First acunpuncture session completed today.
Massage recieved as a birthday gift this year is scheduled for this weekend.
Massage recieved as a birthday gift last year will be scheduled for the week of Christmas.
Yoga being reinstated as legitimate form of exercise in my repertiore.
And I will try to JUST. DO. LESS.
And my homework from my acupuncturist? I need to soak my feet in a warm lavendar bath for at least 15 minutes every day and take my vitamins. Now that is homework I can handle! And bonus, my feet already feel softer (thanks to this awesome lavendar oil I have).
Cheers and I hope you all have a lovely holiday break!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Catching up, Whew!
Well, I'm happy to report that M and I are on our way to being caught up. yeah!
House cleaned: check
Bills paid: check
Groceries done: check
Animals properly cared for: check
Caught up with good friends: check
Final credit card bill paid OFF: check
Tickets to Kooza purchased: check
Several to-do items 'round the house & autos scheduled: check
Attended wierd science exhibit with geeked-out husband and equally fascinated friends while yawning through the exhibit (aka Body Worlds): check
Christmas shopping list made: check
Some Christmas gifts actually purchased! check
Christmas cards re-ordered because first batch were illegible: check
What little Christmas decorations we have put up: check
and... check this out... tax software for 2007 tax prep purchased (already!): check
See what can happen in just 2 days?
And today I crossed many old to-do's off my work checklist (including an expense report I've been meaning to do since October, yikes) AND personal checklist too (broken nails? not anymore!) YEAH!
Still need to hit the gym though . . . it's on the list for Wednesday.
Good start to the week. Cheers!
House cleaned: check
Bills paid: check
Groceries done: check
Animals properly cared for: check
Caught up with good friends: check
Final credit card bill paid OFF: check
Tickets to Kooza purchased: check
Several to-do items 'round the house & autos scheduled: check
Attended wierd science exhibit with geeked-out husband and equally fascinated friends while yawning through the exhibit (aka Body Worlds): check
Christmas shopping list made: check
Some Christmas gifts actually purchased! check
Christmas cards re-ordered because first batch were illegible: check
What little Christmas decorations we have put up: check
and... check this out... tax software for 2007 tax prep purchased (already!): check
See what can happen in just 2 days?
And today I crossed many old to-do's off my work checklist (including an expense report I've been meaning to do since October, yikes) AND personal checklist too (broken nails? not anymore!) YEAH!
Still need to hit the gym though . . . it's on the list for Wednesday.
Good start to the week. Cheers!
Friday, December 7, 2007
I am however thankul for.....
My good friends.
After the last post, I had to run out to an appointment. I listened to R's voicemail on the way and felt warm fuzzies. At the very least I have REALLY. AWESOME. FRIENDS.
I have decided that I am not going to plan the next social engagement and allow myself to think, "well what if I'm pregnant?" Because chances are, I won't be. So we're booking our Tapis Rouge tickets to Kooza (which I was putting off because I didnt want to pay for VIP with drinks if I couldn't drink), I'm gonna start looking at a vacation for us before M leaves his airline, etc. And I am not going to let myself think about contingencies. (or I will at least try). Fuck it.
I am going to visit R in Jan, I've got a work trip in Phoenix in Feb, followed by a wedding in Savannah that weekend and I've got a bachelorette in Vegas in May (not to mention 2 weddings in Hawaii in August and October)---all of which will include a fairly high level of drinking, as usual. So I'm jumping in. With both feet.
I'm not saying TTC isnt going to cross my mind. Just telling M today that I'm not pregnant *again* brought on the waterworks. But I resolve (possibly a new year's resolution) not to let it be the only thing on my mind. Which is why I can't chart anymore. It's a constant reminder of what is not happening.
After the last post, I had to run out to an appointment. I listened to R's voicemail on the way and felt warm fuzzies. At the very least I have REALLY. AWESOME. FRIENDS.
I have decided that I am not going to plan the next social engagement and allow myself to think, "well what if I'm pregnant?" Because chances are, I won't be. So we're booking our Tapis Rouge tickets to Kooza (which I was putting off because I didnt want to pay for VIP with drinks if I couldn't drink), I'm gonna start looking at a vacation for us before M leaves his airline, etc. And I am not going to let myself think about contingencies. (or I will at least try). Fuck it.
I am going to visit R in Jan, I've got a work trip in Phoenix in Feb, followed by a wedding in Savannah that weekend and I've got a bachelorette in Vegas in May (not to mention 2 weddings in Hawaii in August and October)---all of which will include a fairly high level of drinking, as usual. So I'm jumping in. With both feet.
I'm not saying TTC isnt going to cross my mind. Just telling M today that I'm not pregnant *again* brought on the waterworks. But I resolve (possibly a new year's resolution) not to let it be the only thing on my mind. Which is why I can't chart anymore. It's a constant reminder of what is not happening.
TTC + me= bad... TMI? wtf.
**WARNING: This is a rant, pure and simple. A completely self-pitying, pessimistic, negative-nelly post. If you are in a good mood right now, click out. If you're in a bad mood, go ahead read on. Perhaps you'll feel better comparatively**
The title of the post? That's not a mathematical problem. If you are TTC as well, you probably feel the same way. But my dear readers, most of you are not, so let me explain.
TTC = trying to conceive. We have been TTC for 3 cycles now and I am not happy. Reasons? Well, when I get up every single day at the same time to take my temperature (BBT, basal body temperature), write down all my stuff in my chart, record it, analyze it for best days to conceive. And then we do what's necessary for those days (and that is not an easy task when you're doing it for a purpose and on a "required" basis ). And then we wait for 2 weeks, wondering, hoping, but trying not to get our hopes up. And then around Day 10 or 11 DPO (days post-ovulation) I start getting the telltale spotting. (The first couple of times, I was like "yippee! that could be implantation spotting!" And then I'd be disappointed when my period came the next day or two. Now I know my cycle, if i get the spotting, the big P is coming. and not the good one.) And then the suck sets in and I have to look at next month and see if we can work M's flying schedule around my ov schedule.
See, we have it doubly hard because unlike most husbands, M cannot just BE there when we need him to be there. So we have to plan out a month in advance (and usually it's too late to do so because he bids 6 weeks in advance). And then on the days that he IS home during that critical time, try and do what needs to be done. Well, it doesnt always work out that way. That is massive pressure... for everyone involved. But we still charge on. And all for naught.
Which leads me to my pissy/depressed mood today.....
So last night, all was well. Temps were staying high and I only had one more day of waiting to go. This morning, all hope went to hell in a handbasket. Temp dropped, spotting started and I fell back into bed and cried. THIS FUCKING SUCKS.
And let me tell you, this has got to be one of the hardest things for a couple to go through. Trying and trying each month, and for NOTHING. WTF is fate doing to us? Didn't we have it bad enough with the miscarriage? Can't you give us a f-in break?
Sure, a cheating spouse would suck. But at least you could blame someone, get mad at them, move on with your life. But this? There's no one to blame, there's no clear rhyme or reason for this continued failure and nothing we can do just yet. Sure, I can do more stuff---seek out an acupuncturist, take some herbal natural stuff, whatever. But I honestly can't charge on more. I can't stand the thought of doing all that Eastern medicine shit and it still not working. i'd fucking lose it.
Sure, I can see what my doctor says... but Western medicine is likely to say, "well give it a few more months." **
Fuck that. You try doing this for a few more months. Try forcing this uncomfortable situation into your life, your real life, between 2 full time jobs (one for which the person is gone 70% of the time), juggling chores, bills, the house, the animals, the holidays and the inquiries into "how is it going?" (Clearly that is a question that answers itself!) Making babies isnt all roses and sunshine. And it doesnt happen easily. If you are TTC, you are doing it 5-10 days in a row, twice a day if you can closer to expected ovulation. You are peeing on the damn ov-kit stick, you are charting, taking temps. All that. And that doesnt make for romance in the bedroom. For him or for me.
On top of all of that, all of my friends who want a family are either [1] pregnant and have gotten pregnant in the last 4 mos or [2] already have kids. A few of my friends don't want kids, others are not quite in that kind of relationship yet, etc. I really only have 1 friend who wants to get pregnant now and can't besides me. And yes, while I'm all happy for those people who are pregnant, I'm not happy for us.
This is why I don't gamble. We're not lucky people. Clearly.
So... I'm pretty much at my wit's end here. I know it hasnt been that long, blah blah blah. You can only say that if you've been here though. Truly. When you're type-A about many things in life, and are used to achieving goals that you put your mind and energy towards, not achieving your goals is not something you can get used to. I know many of you feel the same way. Unfortunately, this isn't like the Bar where I can just study harder, or get in a more Zen-place about it. There's nothing I can really DO to make it happen. So I'd rather just stop the madness. I'm ready to throw in the towel and just say "fuck it all. whatever happens, happens." Throw out the thermometer, the ov-sticks and the damn charting software. And pick up a big strong DRINK. At least I can do that!
The title of the post? That's not a mathematical problem. If you are TTC as well, you probably feel the same way. But my dear readers, most of you are not, so let me explain.
TTC = trying to conceive. We have been TTC for 3 cycles now and I am not happy. Reasons? Well, when I get up every single day at the same time to take my temperature (BBT, basal body temperature), write down all my stuff in my chart, record it, analyze it for best days to conceive. And then we do what's necessary for those days (and that is not an easy task when you're doing it for a purpose and on a "required" basis ). And then we wait for 2 weeks, wondering, hoping, but trying not to get our hopes up. And then around Day 10 or 11 DPO (days post-ovulation) I start getting the telltale spotting. (The first couple of times, I was like "yippee! that could be implantation spotting!" And then I'd be disappointed when my period came the next day or two. Now I know my cycle, if i get the spotting, the big P is coming. and not the good one.) And then the suck sets in and I have to look at next month and see if we can work M's flying schedule around my ov schedule.
See, we have it doubly hard because unlike most husbands, M cannot just BE there when we need him to be there. So we have to plan out a month in advance (and usually it's too late to do so because he bids 6 weeks in advance). And then on the days that he IS home during that critical time, try and do what needs to be done. Well, it doesnt always work out that way. That is massive pressure... for everyone involved. But we still charge on. And all for naught.
Which leads me to my pissy/depressed mood today.....
So last night, all was well. Temps were staying high and I only had one more day of waiting to go. This morning, all hope went to hell in a handbasket. Temp dropped, spotting started and I fell back into bed and cried. THIS FUCKING SUCKS.
And let me tell you, this has got to be one of the hardest things for a couple to go through. Trying and trying each month, and for NOTHING. WTF is fate doing to us? Didn't we have it bad enough with the miscarriage? Can't you give us a f-in break?
Sure, a cheating spouse would suck. But at least you could blame someone, get mad at them, move on with your life. But this? There's no one to blame, there's no clear rhyme or reason for this continued failure and nothing we can do just yet. Sure, I can do more stuff---seek out an acupuncturist, take some herbal natural stuff, whatever. But I honestly can't charge on more. I can't stand the thought of doing all that Eastern medicine shit and it still not working. i'd fucking lose it.
Sure, I can see what my doctor says... but Western medicine is likely to say, "well give it a few more months." **
Fuck that. You try doing this for a few more months. Try forcing this uncomfortable situation into your life, your real life, between 2 full time jobs (one for which the person is gone 70% of the time), juggling chores, bills, the house, the animals, the holidays and the inquiries into "how is it going?" (Clearly that is a question that answers itself!) Making babies isnt all roses and sunshine. And it doesnt happen easily. If you are TTC, you are doing it 5-10 days in a row, twice a day if you can closer to expected ovulation. You are peeing on the damn ov-kit stick, you are charting, taking temps. All that. And that doesnt make for romance in the bedroom. For him or for me.
On top of all of that, all of my friends who want a family are either [1] pregnant and have gotten pregnant in the last 4 mos or [2] already have kids. A few of my friends don't want kids, others are not quite in that kind of relationship yet, etc. I really only have 1 friend who wants to get pregnant now and can't besides me. And yes, while I'm all happy for those people who are pregnant, I'm not happy for us.
This is why I don't gamble. We're not lucky people. Clearly.
So... I'm pretty much at my wit's end here. I know it hasnt been that long, blah blah blah. You can only say that if you've been here though. Truly. When you're type-A about many things in life, and are used to achieving goals that you put your mind and energy towards, not achieving your goals is not something you can get used to. I know many of you feel the same way. Unfortunately, this isn't like the Bar where I can just study harder, or get in a more Zen-place about it. There's nothing I can really DO to make it happen. So I'd rather just stop the madness. I'm ready to throw in the towel and just say "fuck it all. whatever happens, happens." Throw out the thermometer, the ov-sticks and the damn charting software. And pick up a big strong DRINK. At least I can do that!
**Update: useless Western medicine doctor (who by the way had the WORST bedside manner, which I remembered from my post-D&C check up) did indeed say try for a few more months, only worse. She said we need to try for a YEAR! F**k that. What a waste of a co-pay!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
must...post...something...
Like Wintermute said last week, must post. Sorry for being a slacker. But the only thing i have to post about right now is how insanely behind I am on life, paying bills, doing dishes, work, work, and more work, cleaning up the house. This house is like a friggin' pig sty right now. Get my butt to the gym anytime this month... it's been way too long on that one too. But with getting my second cold in 3 mos and breaking out in full body HIVES on Monday, hasn't happened. Sweet.
Must. Dig. Out. Of. Hole.
till I do... posting has to sit on the back burner.
Must. Dig. Out. Of. Hole.
till I do... posting has to sit on the back burner.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
