TTC + me= bad... TMI? wtf.

**WARNING: This is a rant, pure and simple. A completely self-pitying, pessimistic, negative-nelly post. If you are in a good mood right now, click out. If you're in a bad mood, go ahead read on. Perhaps you'll feel better comparatively**

The title of the post? That's not a mathematical problem. If you are TTC as well, you probably feel the same way. But my dear readers, most of you are not, so let me explain.

TTC = trying to conceive. We have been TTC for 3 cycles now and I am not happy. Reasons? Well, when I get up every single day at the same time to take my temperature (BBT, basal body temperature), write down all my stuff in my chart, record it, analyze it for best days to conceive. And then we do what's necessary for those days (and that is not an easy task when you're doing it for a purpose and on a "required" basis ). And then we wait for 2 weeks, wondering, hoping, but trying not to get our hopes up. And then around Day 10 or 11 DPO (days post-ovulation) I start getting the telltale spotting. (The first couple of times, I was like "yippee! that could be implantation spotting!" And then I'd be disappointed when my period came the next day or two. Now I know my cycle, if i get the spotting, the big P is coming. and not the good one.) And then the suck sets in and I have to look at next month and see if we can work M's flying schedule around my ov schedule.

See, we have it doubly hard because unlike most husbands, M cannot just BE there when we need him to be there. So we have to plan out a month in advance (and usually it's too late to do so because he bids 6 weeks in advance). And then on the days that he IS home during that critical time, try and do what needs to be done. Well, it doesnt always work out that way. That is massive pressure... for everyone involved. But we still charge on. And all for naught.

Which leads me to my pissy/depressed mood today.....
So last night, all was well. Temps were staying high and I only had one more day of waiting to go. This morning, all hope went to hell in a handbasket. Temp dropped, spotting started and I fell back into bed and cried. THIS FUCKING SUCKS.

And let me tell you, this has got to be one of the hardest things for a couple to go through. Trying and trying each month, and for NOTHING. WTF is fate doing to us? Didn't we have it bad enough with the miscarriage? Can't you give us a f-in break?

Sure, a cheating spouse would suck. But at least you could blame someone, get mad at them, move on with your life. But this? There's no one to blame, there's no clear rhyme or reason for this continued failure and nothing we can do just yet. Sure, I can do more stuff---seek out an acupuncturist, take some herbal natural stuff, whatever. But I honestly can't charge on more. I can't stand the thought of doing all that Eastern medicine shit and it still not working. i'd fucking lose it.
Sure, I can see what my doctor says... but Western medicine is likely to say, "well give it a few more months." **

Fuck that. You try doing this for a few more months. Try forcing this uncomfortable situation into your life, your real life, between 2 full time jobs (one for which the person is gone 70% of the time), juggling chores, bills, the house, the animals, the holidays and the inquiries into "how is it going?" (Clearly that is a question that answers itself!) Making babies isnt all roses and sunshine. And it doesnt happen easily. If you are TTC, you are doing it 5-10 days in a row, twice a day if you can closer to expected ovulation. You are peeing on the damn ov-kit stick, you are charting, taking temps. All that. And that doesnt make for romance in the bedroom. For him or for me.

On top of all of that, all of my friends who want a family are either [1] pregnant and have gotten pregnant in the last 4 mos or [2] already have kids. A few of my friends don't want kids, others are not quite in that kind of relationship yet, etc. I really only have 1 friend who wants to get pregnant now and can't besides me. And yes, while I'm all happy for those people who are pregnant, I'm not happy for us.

This is why I don't gamble. We're not lucky people. Clearly.

So... I'm pretty much at my wit's end here. I know it hasnt been that long, blah blah blah. You can only say that if you've been here though. Truly. When you're type-A about many things in life, and are used to achieving goals that you put your mind and energy towards, not achieving your goals is not something you can get used to. I know many of you feel the same way. Unfortunately, this isn't like the Bar where I can just study harder, or get in a more Zen-place about it. There's nothing I can really DO to make it happen. So I'd rather just stop the madness. I'm ready to throw in the towel and just say "fuck it all. whatever happens, happens." Throw out the thermometer, the ov-sticks and the damn charting software. And pick up a big strong DRINK. At least I can do that!

**Update: useless Western medicine doctor (who by the way had the WORST bedside manner, which I remembered from my post-D&C check up) did indeed say try for a few more months, only worse. She said we need to try for a YEAR! F**k that. What a waste of a co-pay!